I am so confused and angry right now. I think some of you read my older thread with what is happening to my relationship right now. Long story short, my fiancée called me a vile name (f’ing b!tch) and I left him as it became a symbol for me that he don’t give a crap about me. Feeling like crap I went home and here we are 1.5 months later. I had asked him to change many times during the course of our relationship (6.5 years) but he pretty much refused or don’t care enough to change for me. I guess me leaving was a sign I’ve had enough but I guess not serious enough. So after a few phone calls with him in the 1.5 months with me suggesting we break up that we decided to give it another go. This time I told him if he didn’t make an effort to change then I am done with the relationship since I am not a “spring chicken” like my sister put it. I need a man that will take notice of my feelings vs ignore it the way he has over the years.
So what am I so mad about? Well our conversations for the past week have been fairly one sided with me telling him as to what is going on and all. My sister is moving to another city so we almost bought a car for her and planning the move etc. His responses to me telling him how things are doing with me, or rather how my day went, are usually with one word responses. So two nights ago I got tired of his muteness and asked him what has been going on with his life. He sorta refused to answer till I asked him a few times. Then he told me what’s been going on in his life this past 1.5 months. Made me realize, he isn’t treating me like he wants me to be apart of it anymore. He don’t even tell me some important stuff like him being preceptor to his friend’s residency at the hospital. Then last night after I told him what I did for the day I asked him what he did. This is how the conversation went (off of my msn messenger chat history):
Me: so what are you doing?
Him: stuff
Me: what stuff?
Him: listing things I have to do
Me: what is on the list?
Him: (he lists a lot of things that include buying things to make nacho’s)
Me: why do you need the nacho’s? (his stomach can’t tolerate nacho’s well as it gives him diarrhea every time he eats it)
Him: to make them
Me: for yourself to eat?
Him: (no response)
After that I got really mad at him as he didn’t even want to tell me why he was making nacho’s. I ended that msn messenger chat and ignored him for the rest of the night. I couldn’t get over how ridiculous it was of him to refuse to tell me what the freaking nacho’s was for. So this is how things have boiled down to for my relationship, him treating me like I am a friend vs his fiancée. A fiancée that is trying hard to salvage a relationship that is about to be over soon if he don’t try harder. I couldn’t sleep last night as I was so mad at him and how everything was going. So I wrote him an email at 3:30am telling him I am tired of his muteness. I didn’t want to talk to him till he was ready to have a real conversation with me where he will respond with more than 1 word. I told him if he can’t put in 100% effort then get the hell out of this team as I need a teammate that will be able to put their 100% effort in. I also told him I won’t put up with his crap the way I used to too.
I don’t know if it was harsh of me to write such an email and send it off to him like that but if I didn’t know he has to work at 8am I would have called him on the phone this morning to yell at him. I am very disappointed at him right now as I don’t get this sense he’s working hard to salvage whatever we have. Maybe we are better suited to be just friends. I will be going back next Wednesday since I need to pack my stuff. I decided that I didn’t want to live with him anymore. I need to re-figure myself out and to concentrate on studying for my designation final exam this October too. Is it weird how I am considering suggesting to him next week when I see him in person I want to be un-engaged with him. He didn’t have a good reason to propose to me anyway. He did it to for the sake of “seems like the next step and it had to be done” his words to me as to why he propose to me.
Thank you for reading this. I think I have exhausted my friend/family venue since they are getting sick of me talk about my problems. I just need a venue to vent that may respond vs just a diary entry.