Sorry for the length of this guys, but it just seems to me that I should give as much information on the situation as possible.
EDIT: So I cut this in half. Sorry about the length. I'm really wordy, and I guess I had a lot to get out. Also sorry about switching between tenses. I'm a bit tired and it's five in the morning.
I’m twenty-one and she’s nineteen. I’m from a middle class background and a close knit family. We were never bad off, but we were always in debt. I'm going to college to be a history teacher, and I'd like to settle down in the New England area, maybe near a big city. Before this relationship I grew up dating a girl, and we were together for most of our adolescence, about 8 1/2 years. She definitely comes from an upper middle class family, and she rarely enjoys being home. She just has to go out to lunch with her father to find a nice gift in her bank account. She's studying business so that she can open up an environmentally friendly salon near Gatlinburg, Tennessee. I am her first serious relationship. Though I'm an army brat, we're both pretty much from the same little midwestern/southern town.
The story so far:
So the girl and I, let's call her Sunshine, we've been dating for almost 2 years at this point. When we first met I was a freshman in college and she was a junior at my old high school. We met one Saturday afternoon and we kissed, but all of our other scheduled dates seemed to fall through. She had this big ugly cave troll of a boyfriend, and I wasn’t cool with that. She chose not to leave him, so I moved on. I start talking to another girl, we'll call her G.
G and I had been friends for a few years. I was introduced to her when I was in a band, by our drummer, and we talked occasionally. After Sunshine and I had our initial encounter where I was scorned, I spent the summer venting to G, and subsequently falling heel over head for her. But there were reasons that kept us apart. We were four hours away from each other, and more importantly, I was nineteen and she was sixteen, and I absolutely can't risk getting stuck with some kind of statutory charge if I'm going to be a teacher. So when Sunshine came back G understood, but we stopped talking over time.
After that summer, Sunshine left her boyfriend, and long story short we enter into a long distance relationship that my friends don’t quite approve of, because of what happened before. I devoted afternoons and evenings to her, we chat via webcam, and I make the hour drive home to see her on weekends.
Our relationship is fairly good while we start out. Initially I'm a bit upset about how close she is to her male best friend, as she tells me she originally had feelings for him, and at the last moment she chooses to bring him to Thanksgiving dinner, rather than me. But I shrug it off, because she says she feels nothing for him anymore. In February she tells me that she needs a break, not because I've done something, but because her Grandmother's been diagnosed with stomach cancer. Her grandmother was more of a mother to her than her mom ever was, and she just needs time to focus on that. I am understanding and I do what I can to be there for her. We quickly reunite. The semester draws to a close and I spend what little money I have to take her to her senior prom, even though it falls the weekend before my finals.
That Summer my mother and younger sister move to live with my father in Europe, and I fly over to spend a month with them. Sunshine decides that she absolutely has to go, and her parents fork over a ludicrous amount of money at the last moment so that she can get on our flights. She lives with me and my parents for a month. Most days were smooth sailing. Sometimes we got into arguments, but it was all little petty stuff and I chalk it up to the honeymoon period ending.
We get back to the states and I move into an apartment for the upcoming semester. She moves into the dorm rooms. She sleeps over most nights though, and for a while things are fine. We even buy a PS3 together.
Then she gets upset that I'm talking to G again. I decided over the summer that I wanted that friendship back and we began talking again as nothing more than friends, knowing full well our boundaries, with each of us in a committed relationship. Sunshine was offended and decided that she did not trust this girl I had once been close to, calling her some very unflattering things and telling me to cut her out or I was single. Unhappily, I did. She however continued talking to a male friend of hers, who had slept with my previous girlfriend while we were dating. Though I absolutely loathed him for it, I never asked her to quit talking to him.
After Halloween, our differences began cropping up everywhere. I like to pride myself on being a fan of music. I listen to everything from Public Enemy to Bob Dylan. She for the most part does not like what I listen to, preferring for the most part, the worst songs that the radio tends to play. How does one not like Don't Stop Believin'? I love movies, and she doesn’t really care for the ones I seem to like; We've yet to make it all the way through Almost Famous, after trying to watch it numerous times, and she didn't care for Ferris Bueller's Day Off. She begins to pick on my wardrobe and appearance. She tells me I'm too skinny and that she doesn’t like my wardrobe. My jeans are always too tight, or too loose, or the wrong wash. She pesters me for even contemplating facial hair during No Shave November.
In the beginning I began speaking up about things that bothered me, but soon I found that I wasn't being listened to. Eventually I just stopped speaking up, because I felt like I wasn't being heard. I was either ignored, or everything was somehow turned around and became my fault. Most days were good, but the fighting caused our sex life to dwindle. I wasn’t willing to or in the mood to sleep with her if we were fighting.
She decides that she's not comfortable with my getting drunk, although I have never actually been drunk around her. She tells me that she doesn't like how I act when I'm buzzed, that I'm too goofy and silly, and that I embarass her. We only ever drink at my apartment, with my friends, all of whom are amused and inebriated as well. She also tells me that I don't need to be drinking when she's not there, and even when she is, no more than two mixed drinks. I'm upset of course, because I have never once been drunk in front of her, and I don't feel trusted to handle alcohol.
As this year began, my best friend offered to pay for my tattoo for my birthday. Sunshine however decided that I had no right to get a tattoo, that I’m perfect the way I am, why would I want to ruin it with something unnatural? She has two facial piercings, which I fully supported, and wants at least two more piercings, both of which I would never stop her from getting.This argument continues for a month. I decide that I'm going to get the tattoo. This leads to two hour yelling match in my apartment, where she shoves me, I punch a wall, and eventually she tells me that she's leaving me. And then two days later she calls me to talk and I come to campus and we talk for an hour. She cries, and asks me to rethink it, and I finally say that I will, but that I need her to be okay with whatever I decide. She agrees. Her grandmother is then rushed to the hospital with cancer. Sunshine becomes a nervous wreck for a month and I try to be there for her, neglecting to defend myself when she complains about things I do and agreeing to put off my tattoo for the time being. Her grandmother passes away and again I do what I can for her.
The semester continues, and it's very rough. She expresses unhappiness with my apartment and the fact that I live with two females. I tell her that it's 2010, not 1973 and that it's no big deal if she trusts me, especially since I am very good friends with both of my roommate's boyfriends.
I find it hard to leave the apartment many days. Sunshine begins seeing a counselor on campus to deal with her grandmother, and I decide to do the same, to try and figure out what's going on in my head. Turns out, manic depression runs in my family and I'm depressed... and she’s a big part of it.
During this time our arguments get worse. I still feel like I'm not being heard, and after a few minutes in most arguments, I begin to yell. I don't call her names, although I do swear. She cries, and I apologize, but I still yell, because I at least know what I'm saying is being heard.
She picks on my financial decisions, like the groceries I buy. She tells me she wishes I'd buy more fresh produce and organic products. I tell her that I buy what I can afford, but if she'd like to pitch in for groceries, we can expand our pantry a bit. She does not. Then my car begins having troubles. Multiple troubles. I have to replace both the radiator and a head gasket, and end up reluctantly borrowing about $800 from my parents to get it fixed. She tells me that I should just junk the car and buy a new used car. She does not understand when I tell her that that's fiscally impossible for me.
I decide that it would be best for me if I spend half the summer with my family in Europe, and she promptly decides that she won't talk to me if I do. I talk her out of this decision and tell her we can write to each other and webcam every day. She throws a fit because I don’t want to buy stationary to write letters on.
At the same time, I get an offer from a friend to go to Bonnarroo. I think on it for a few days, since it means deserting her for another week of my summer. A few days pass and I finally decide "f u c k it, I'm depressed and I want my tattoo, I'm going to get it." My friend now can’t afford to help me with the tattoo since she’s in the middle of a move to Germany with her husband who's in the air force. So I decide to go to Bonnarroo, only to find out my other friend has decided to take the girl he likes, which I cannot fault him for.I feel as if I've been denied two things that would make me very happy simply because I was more concerned with her happiness than my own, and now she berates me for not wanting to buy stationary. I yell louder than I ever have before. She cries. I tell her that that's it. She's either going to change or I'm going to leave. She seems to understand this time. I leave for Europe.
While I'm here she tells me that she thinks I've been verbally abusive, and that the tattoo is a no go, a deal breaker. She tells me that she wants her opinions listened to, and that I can no longer yell in arguments. Basically, she reverts back to normal. I'm hurt by the verbal abuse claim. Though I have yelled and cursed, I've never once called her a name, nor would I. I grew up with a military father who had no qualms about calling his seven year old son a "f u c k i n g d u m b a s s" for dropping a carton of eggs in the parking lot of a grocery store.
Again there are good days, but there are many bad ones too. I'm currently preparing myself to leave my family again and deal with college again, and I find myself at wits end with my relationship. I do love the girl, as crazy as that sounds but I don't know if this is fixable. Am I a glutton for punishment? Is there a way to make this work, or am I Sisyphus, continually pushing the boulder up the hill? I'm great at giving all of my friends relationship advice, but I'm an utter failure fixing my own issues.