We arent speaking to each other =(

[slimla]

my gf (I guess since we have been seeing each other for about three months) was gone for 10 days for work and to visit family she hadnt seen for a while and I didnt really hear from her. third day I called her and we caught up. 5th day she sent me a text and we texted a bit. 7th day (still no call but she updates her facebook) I couldnt take it anymore and was angry she hadnt called me or made the initiation to call so I sent her a passive aggressive text "hope you are okay since I havent heard anything from you" she calls me and then doesnt leave a message but then texts me "called to see if everything is alright" and then she accused me of testing her. She said that she was on vacation and was too busy or around people 24/7 (yet she updated her facebook several times...to me if she can facebook and if she cared about me she would also make contact with me)

When she returned home three days ago she called me and was upset/angry that I was passive aggressive and mean to her and that she did call (but only after I texted her the angry text) to see if i was okay too. She thought that I was testing her and if I have any problems not to text but to call her. she said nobody heard from her and that she spoke the most to me (the way she said it made me feel like i was suppose to feel entitled).

I apologized and told her I was just upset and missed her. She said this isnt the first time its happened where I was not direct with her and was passive aggressive to her.

Well the first time about two months ago she was suppose to meet me at 10pm. I called her to tell her I was at my friends place and she could come over. I asked her where she was and she told me an intersection. I thought it was a little weird but said okay well you are only 5 minutes away so see you soon. 30 minutes passes by and she still didnt call me. I call her three times and no answer. the fourth time she picks up and i was pretty upset and asked her where she was. she told me the same intersection and I said "your just standing on an intersection??"

she said no she is at a friends place and thought that I wasnt at the place yet so thats why she hadnt left" she said she was outside with her friend who was having a cigarrette. then i found out she was hanging out with some guy she met at my party two days before at his place! she confronted me and said "I'm not allowed to have friends that are guys????" and i said yah you can have guy friends but when you are acting suspicious saying you are standing at a street corner it is *(U(* weird..

she is younger then me and doesnt take me to go with her friends. maybe i am not like her friends but she is always with me, stays at my place spends lots of time with me etc. we really enjoy each others company.

anyways its been three days and its killing me. I am trying not to call her or to check facebook . I even saw her on facebook the same day after she returned and we talked and I said "i do really miss you" and she responded awwwww! and I said i wish her little arms were around me and she said mmmmmhmmm.

I see her facebook update and i know i should not be looking at them. she went out and got really drunk and had fun and I have paranoid thoughts that shes hooking up with guys and sleeping over at other guys places etc.
its really killing me inside right now.

I dont know what to do. my friend advised me because i am going through depression and that my depression is making me paranoid and taking any scenario and making it the worse possible so it will feed my depression. My friend said to wait a while until i am not depressed and then call her if she doesnt call me first. That way i wont sound down on the phone and just say that i was sick if she asks why i havent called her.

I worry the longer i wait the more chance she will be okay without me. I worry that she is hooking up with guys i get so worried. i know there are games but i dont play them. if i dont give her attention or call her first it will make her maybe worry too or give in to call me first.

I really would like to wait until she calls me though and if she asks why i havent called her just say i have been sick.

I have to keep in mind that when i write all this its my mind making the worse case scenarios active and i have to calm myself. realize there was an argument and maybe wait? or call? i dont know what to say because i already apologized that I was acting off and if in the future i have an issue i will call her not wait and then text. she said this is the second time its happened but I can really turn around and say she does things that really hurt me too but i dont because i cant be that super sensitive baby guy..

help!

[nerdy_guy]

she said no she is at a friends place and thought that I wasnt at the place yet so thats why she hadnt left" she said she was outside with her friend who was having a cigarrette. then i found out she was hanging out with some guy she met at my party two days before at his place! she confronted me and said "I'm not allowed to have friends that are guys????" and i said yah you can have guy friends but when you are acting suspicious saying you are standing at a street corner it is *(U(* weird..

This should be enough of a red flag that tells you she's manipulating the whole thing. It may not be a "date" date, but you have appointed time and she should honor that. I wonder how "happy" would she be if you regularly go out with different girls and tell her they're you're friends. hmmm....

I worry the longer i wait the more chance she will be okay without me.

Why worry that she's okay without you? It already seems that she doesn't need you at all.

I worry that she is hooking up with guys i get so worried.

Hooking up with guys? I think she just did. see? --> she was hanging out with some guy she met at my party. And to top it all off, she even picked him up at your party

i know there are games but i dont play them.

Games are fun, are you having fun?

You're depressed and paranoid because of her behavior, that's enough of a red flag to move on.

[slimla]

This should be enough of a red flag that tells you she's manipulating the whole thing. It may not be a "date" date, but you have appointed time and she should honor that. I wonder how "happy" would she be if you regularly go out with different girls and tell her they're you're friends. hmmm....


Why worry that she's okay without you? It already seems that she doesn't need you at all.

Hooking up with guys? I think she just did. see? --> she was hanging out with some guy she met at my party. And to top it all off, she even picked him up at your party

Games are fun, are you having fun?

You're depressed and paranoid because of her behavior, that's enough of a red flag to move on.

NOT to her defense. but i have also hung out with females and have not brought it to her attention. I havent cheated just hung out. With the guy she hung out with he got her a job but she ended up leaving the job because she wasnt making any money. Well unless she tells me she is cheating or unless i catch her i cannot really say much more to this otherwise i will come across as jealous.

her reason that she was not at the time was because i told her i would be at the guys place at 10pm i called her at 10pm and said we are walking to the place right now so come over now. she said okay and then it was 30 minutes or so later she still had not arrive. she came and she asked me if everything is alright and i said yes fine i was just wondering why you took so long. she told me she thought i was still on my way and was waiting till i called her when i was there. i said i'm good but then two days later i sent her a text that i was not happy and told her my issue. she called me and was upset that i did not tell her and why didnt i tell her i was upset right away. I told her that i was not upset in the beginning but it festered over the few days and i am bringing it up now. she asked me why didnt i just call her instead of texting. I know i should have just confronted her right away about it but it took me a few days to put the pieces together so i could confront her properly. It ended up making me look like i was the weird one....

anyways when we are together we are very happy and i dont know where it will go but i just dont know what to say or do right now and i'm extremely depressed

[nerdy_guy]

No sane cheater would readily tell you they're cheating so you're other option is to catch her cheating on you. She told you she was on an intersection instead of immediately telling you the truth about her being in a guy's house is still a big question. Why would she deliberately give a very vague answer? That's like saying "I'm in the bedroom". Does that give you a clear answer? For all you know, she's in her other boyfriend's bedroom having sex. Next time, when you're hanging out with your female friends and she happens to call, tell her you're out with friends, I'm sure she'll be quite thrilled if you told her that you're surrounded by women. I return for making her happy, I'm sure she'll find more male friends to spite you.

I feel that this relationship is not going to end well and you'll be on the losing end. For one thing, she felt you're not that important to enough to be informed that she went to another guy's house in the first place. Second, she gave you a vague description of where she was (What an idiot). Third, when you confronted her with the situation, instead of apologizing, and coming clean, she even defended her stupid action by manipulating the situation into her advantage by asking you if she can't have male friends. That's really screwed up. For everything she's done, there's not one that helps your depression. She actually feeds it by turning you on and off like a light switch. Ugly now, sweet the next.

Just because she makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside doesn't validate everything she's done. Soda makes people happy too, then they turn them into tub of lards.

[kitkitkitty]

she sounds like she's using you as a convenience and you're slowly passing your 'use by' date. sorry, but that's how i see it. and lying about things so early on? paint her in the greatest of lights. and ontop of all that she sounds quite defensive and immature.

[slimla]

I know i have my blinders on. My friend is going through a similar issue and I'm such a great coach for her. I tell her the same things you guys are telling me. I'm very educated and i know from a "birds eye" what to do. I know about abuse and how it affects your future relationships if not treated etc. But when I'm in it I have blinders and everything is so convoluted. I'm blinded by lust, romantic love, sexual desire and emotional connection we have. I am a full grown man that is very strong and hides his feelings. I hid in my room and cried like a baby all weekend on and off. It was like waves. it would come and go. We had not spoken since Monday and we had a basic amendment over the phone on monday but she was acting weird on facebook shortly after. That night i said I have apologized and i have told her I care for her and nothing. Monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday and finally friday I called her and left a voice mail. "hey its me, give me a call when you get the chance." well friday, saturday and now sunday have passed and nothing.

I KNOW what you guys say but I am in that state of denial possibly and my brain goes to the possibilities of her maybe being insecure of me or not knowing how to deal with this or maybe testing me i dont know. the odds are probably in your guys favor. this is the first time in my life I have wanted to be monogomous to slowly open that door of feelings i keep locked to protect myself.

I just want to say I miss you and i wish you would at least call me, step up to the plate and let me know if you dont want to see me anymore if you want to talk. I'm a man and yes it will hurt but i want to have closure. To ignore me over a minute issue is cruel and thoughtless.

I know this pain will subside and that i need to be healthy and love myself but i can barely deal with this pain. I have broken many bones, almost died of poisoning and lost 15 lbs. cracked my head open and i have never felt this pain before that hurts so much more in such a different way.

=(

[nerdy_guy]

You'll harbor more pain and bitterness if you keep this up. I suggest breaking off contact with her and stop looking at her facebook. Date a few girls around. Nothing serious though, just to take you mind off of her, eventually, she'll be a distant memory. When she starts talking to you again, you'll have a better head on your shoulder again and you'll be more wise to her manipulative ways.

[slimla]

You'll harbor more pain and bitterness if you keep this up. I suggest breaking off contact with her and stop looking at her facebook. Date a few girls around. Nothing serious though, just to take you mind off of her, eventually, she'll be a distant memory. When she starts talking to you again, you'll have a better head on your shoulder again and you'll be more wise to her manipulative ways.

i know i agree and i feel it everytime i do. I'm almost stabilized and then a thought comes into my head and it manifests. Its fighting the thoughts out. I did exactly what you suggested because if i sit around i will ruin myself. I have put myself on a dating site and started to talk. boy it is hard and i agree with you. I cannot imagine how people cope with losing a wife they are deeply in love with when I am like this after just 3 months.

[nerdy_guy]

Its all about fortitude, you can't keep comparing yourself to others, you keep doing that and you'll get depressed. Just accept the fact that shit happens at times and that they're there to make you stronger, depression, to me is suppose to be the quiet time of your life to help you sort yourself out, and not to dwell on something you have no control over. The pain of loss due to getting hurt is easier justified than the pain of loss for no apparent reason.

[kitkitkitty]

i agree with the contact-breaking. it'll be hard as hell at first but it's better to get the hard part out of the way now and be able to get on with your life normally. and yeah, nothing wrong with a little light-hearted flirting on a lad's night out. you sound like a great guy, it won't be the 'be all and end all' trust me.

[lahnnabell]

When my boyfriend asks me where I am, I give him specifics. She said she's at, "an intersection"? What the hell. She's playing with your trust and that's no good. You can either continue to justify her reasons for doing so, or you can tell her to screw off.

[Shark]

(A) Be impartial towards your paranoia. Your jealousy is a figment of your imagination. If she cheats on you, she's gone, but that doesn't mean you should ever act jealous or paranoid. If she wants to hang out with other guys, let her. It shouldn't concern you, you should KNOW that your're a better catch than any other guy.

(B) Stop being so attached to her. You have to tell yourself a thousand times a day that there IS another girl out there who is better than her. If you and your girlfriend break up, it'll be a good thing because you WILL find someone who will make you happier

(C) If she's going out and getting drunk too often, you should be concerned that she's being stupid, but it should never cross your mind that she might be hooking up with other guys. Never be jealous or paranoid. If evidence points that she cheated on you, then dump her and move on, but don't let your mind be plagued by Fear.

(D) If you're depressed, then that's probably why she's doing all this. Start being happy. Think positively about your life.

(E) If she's not talking to you, then DON'T talk to her. So many guys make this mistake. If she is acting detached, GIVE HER SPACE. Guys always end up becoming MORE CLINGY when their girlfriends ask for space. If she's not talking to you, then don't talk to her. Talk to other girls who can remind you that there are other girls in this world just as good as her.

(F) Make yourself busier. If you have time to constantly check her facebook, then you're leading a life that's to empty. You should have so many things to do that you don't have time to check her facebook status.

(G) If she doesn't text or call you, then she doesn't want to talk to you. Stop over-analyzing things. Back off to make her interest level shoot up. And that first day you apologized was a HUGE mistake. You gave in to her whining, what did you expect after you said sorry? You handed her your balls, and she continued to badger you because she knew she had the power to at that point. She knew you wouldn't leave her. Stop acting like a boy and be a Man. Remember, you DON'T need her.

solvemygirlproblems.com

[slimla]

thank you for your replies. I apologized to her because i know i was being passive aggressive instead of just saying what i wanted to say. I even texted and we agreed if we have issues we speak to each other. That is why I apologized. I didnt feel I gave her my balls on a platter but i get what you are saying. Look your words of power and strength are helping me through this and I agree with you all. I know I am worth more then this. I know I am a great looking guy with a great personality I just need to work on my confidence and stop putting these girls on pedestals. They are my equals and they are no better then me or you. It is hard to remember that sometimes when you have a stunning woman with full lips. amazing curves, soft skin big blue eyes, dimples looking you in your eyes and wshipering you sweet things to you. It is intoxicating and I know the wrong answer is to shut myself out and not allow myself to be vulnerable with my heart. The right answer is for me to open the door to my emotions and feelings to the woman who is looking for what I am looking.

I care so much about the people around me. I love my family dearly and my friends I will fight for and protect. I am not a jealous person but when trust is broken and strong feelings are there I question. I never smother and I agree with you all I WILL NOT CALL HER, I WILL NOT CALL HER. as much as it tears my heart out for the time it will heal. Thank you for your strong words and I will focus on my life and keep busy.

thank you

[kitkitkitty]

you'll be thanking us when you find a girl that's even more beautiful than her, on the inside AND out.

[slimla]

I know you are right and I am always the first to tell someone to stop whining, raise their chin, shoulders back and to know you are worth more then this. But know I am in it I cannot explain how hard it is. I went on a date tonight even though I didnt want to. I kept looking at this girl and imagining I was with her. I laid in bed last night and thought of all the times we would lay together face to face noses almost touching and just look at each other and whisper even though nobody was there but us. Whenever we would walk she would always fall behind just a little because of her little legs so she would put her little hand in mine so we would be closer. All these (*(*& little things are popping up in my head. I swear I am not making them appear they keep popping in like popcorn in the microwave. I try to stuff them down. I almost caved and called her today but i stayed strong and didnt.

I have seen two psychologists and they say that because I have been alone a lot of my life, traveling, performing and on the road, with a mother that moved a lot and even myself in addition to being abused when I was a child I have closed off my heart to everyone. I have always pushed people away and have not let anyone in. This girl I was ready to finally open the door to be vulnerable to her. I am treating like this how someone would when they find out they have cancer. basically I'm not dealing with this well at all I think and I try to not look at her pictures but the problem is her face every conture and imperfection is what I have always fantasized perfection would look like to me. I am being honest that who i have dreamed of was basically her in real life. It makes me so sad that at this age 36 that I have not found a person that i have been able to love and this pushes me deeper into depression.

I was advised to also see a doctor for anti depression because i have suffered from it from time to time and this girl was basically a whole tank of gas poured onto my fire of depression. I hate and love the thought of love. i want to experience it one day and I am so scared to be vulnerable again. It seems like peanuts I'm sure to everyone after hearing I was with her for only 3 months but it is very powerful to me unfortunately.

all i see is her squishy face, full lips, big blue eyes and cute little innocent smirk. I have to destroy these thoughts somehow and its hard when they are so powerful they seep into my mind and contaminate my thoughts.

Please if there is anyone out there who can relate to me and who has experienced this please any advice is grateful. Everyones advice is great but my mind is being stubborn and I am so angry at it for wanting to feed on depression

how could someone after having 3 months of affection, kisses, hand holding, sharing moments, love making, discovering new things from each other and enjoy those times, going on trips together, going to the beaches walking everywhere, sleeping together, being affectionate in every way.. how could someone just disappear without saying goodbye or giving me closure. why cant she just email me and say I cant see you anymore because i found someone else or I am no longer having feelings for you. Yes it will hurt and I will not argue I will accept but to leave me here hanging without a reason in the world to why you dont talk to me why you dont call me and end this is cruel. I have never seen her be cruel to anyone like this before.