Hey all,
I need help because I’m going crazy with this. It’s really long so I apologize.
I moved to this town back in January with no intention of getting a boyfriend, yet I met mine and after a month of trying to get him to go away because I didn’t want a relationship (even tried to get him back with his ex) – caved. We’ve been together almost 7 months, and in so many ways things are awesome, I love him very much. But in so many others, he has me so stressed out that I get pain in my stomach.
My problem – I am ALREADY a single mom to 2 kids from a previous marriage (8 & 3) and my boyfriend IS awesome with them, however – now I am 15 weeks pregnant (yes with his kid) too and I was on the pill so you can imagine my surprise when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t plan on having more, however I am not an advocate for abortion… so obviously I kept it. My boyfriend has gone through a lot of emotion from it mostly because of his parents (first he’s excited, then he’s demanding I have an abortion {but still wanted to remain together, which wouldn’t have been an option should that have been the route I chose}, now he’s excited again)…. Which I understand. It added quite a bit of stress to my already stressful news, but ok. Moving forward. I did give him the option of being here or being 100% free (no me, no kids, nothing) if he felt he wasn’t ready. He felt he was and hasn’t left, despite my numerous attempts to shake him free… which I’ll get into.
I’m 28, I don’t receive child support as it is (my ex bought my kids a van so I can get them around to school and stuff, this works for me), I work full time at a job I was going to change before I discovered I was pregnant… and stayed for the benefits and job security. I have 3 dogs, I’m also trying to finish my schooling and I have a part time business and I pay for EVERY single bill/food/entertainment for myself and kids BY MSELF. Once I found out I was pregnant, I’ve been trying to save up money for when the baby is born so I can afford that too until I return to work… but here is where the problem lies.
My boyfriend is 4 years younger then I am. He works for his father and has a small % of ownership in the company, but I don’t think they pay him very well (he typically works 12-18 hours a day which causes problems between us) For the work he DOES do (his title is field supervisor). Typically where we live he should be making $60,000 + a year. Though I’m really quite certain he doesn’t get the money he should. Anyway, he and his sister were living in one of their parents houses, their parents moved back into this house.. well my boyfriend technically STILL lives there, but for the past 2 months has been eating, sleeping, showering and doing his laundry – correction *I’VE* been doing his laundry at my house.
I’ve asked him a hundred times when he’s going to move in fully, he just says soon, doesn’t see what the big deal is… well with the utility bills plus food costs, I’m getting further and further behind! He’s promised me about $2000 in total at various times to pay the bills, never got it. The guy has NO debt, NO bills, NOTHING. The most recent time – I had bought a bed from Easy home and if paid within 3 months you get it at a really good price, well I had $1500 left to pay, he said he would pay it and not to worry, so I put the money towards other bills – well he DIDN’T pay for it – which raised the price $1000. So I have two options – return the bed and go back to sleeping on my mattresses on the floor – which feels pretty welfarish considering I work so damn hard – or try to pay off the extra $1000 before I go on leave. When I found out he didn’t pay it, I was SO mad and SO stressed I not only wanted to hit him, but it landed me in the ER (insane stomach pain). Now this isn’t the first time I’ve ended up there from stress. Nope, it would be the 3rd in a month. And each time has had something to do with him (bike accident, no communication, etc).
This has been a pretty difficult pregnancy for me, and my doctor said if I’m not better by my next appt (Sept 8) I’m going on leave… well I’ve been getting worse due to stress… so I can pretty much expect to be on leave soon which is going to leave me pretty strapped for cash. Because he doesn’t help me with any bills and essentially I’ve been supporting him, its going to be VERY tight for me. I’m freaked right out, I’ve told him I cant raise 3 dogs, 3 kids AND a man child. I make pretty decent cash but its really only just enough for me, my lifestyle and my kids. I cant afford another adult too. He is from Ukraine and I don’t think he quite gets the whole relationship thing and exactly what he’s doing here. I’ve been pretty patient and tried waiting for him to mature and be here, but I don’t think I can do it much longer financially or mentally.
Aside from that, he is great with the kids and the dogs and he can be an amazing boyfriend when he wants to be. But he really is driving me insane. I’ve tried to talk to him, I try giving him his space, I’ve tried to break up with him, I really don’t know what else to do. He’s promised countless times he’ll change and he wont work til 9,10 at night (and yes, I do know he is working not cheating) and he’ll help me out and he’ll be here and I wont be doing this all by myself but I’ve yet to see it. I’m trying to get ahead here and I don’t see it happening. I told him I don’t believe a word he says and I don’t trust him, but do you blame me?!? I have HIS baby coming to this world soon, I really need him to smarten up or go away, I have to stay focused for my own sanity and my kids. In the same breath, I’m scared that I will be doing this alone and that for the next 6 months (plus a couple months for mat leave) things are going to get worse and he wont help at all.
I’m really sorry this has been so long and drawn out – but I really need help/advice. Anyone?