Good Lord Please Help Me - Dating the Younger Man

[chlebreton]

Hey all,

I need help because I’m going crazy with this. It’s really long so I apologize.

I moved to this town back in January with no intention of getting a boyfriend, yet I met mine and after a month of trying to get him to go away because I didn’t want a relationship (even tried to get him back with his ex) – caved. We’ve been together almost 7 months, and in so many ways things are awesome, I love him very much. But in so many others, he has me so stressed out that I get pain in my stomach.

My problem – I am ALREADY a single mom to 2 kids from a previous marriage (8 & 3) and my boyfriend IS awesome with them, however – now I am 15 weeks pregnant (yes with his kid) too and I was on the pill so you can imagine my surprise when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t plan on having more, however I am not an advocate for abortion… so obviously I kept it. My boyfriend has gone through a lot of emotion from it mostly because of his parents (first he’s excited, then he’s demanding I have an abortion {but still wanted to remain together, which wouldn’t have been an option should that have been the route I chose}, now he’s excited again)…. Which I understand. It added quite a bit of stress to my already stressful news, but ok. Moving forward. I did give him the option of being here or being 100% free (no me, no kids, nothing) if he felt he wasn’t ready. He felt he was and hasn’t left, despite my numerous attempts to shake him free… which I’ll get into.

I’m 28, I don’t receive child support as it is (my ex bought my kids a van so I can get them around to school and stuff, this works for me), I work full time at a job I was going to change before I discovered I was pregnant… and stayed for the benefits and job security. I have 3 dogs, I’m also trying to finish my schooling and I have a part time business and I pay for EVERY single bill/food/entertainment for myself and kids BY MSELF. Once I found out I was pregnant, I’ve been trying to save up money for when the baby is born so I can afford that too until I return to work… but here is where the problem lies.

My boyfriend is 4 years younger then I am. He works for his father and has a small % of ownership in the company, but I don’t think they pay him very well (he typically works 12-18 hours a day which causes problems between us) For the work he DOES do (his title is field supervisor). Typically where we live he should be making $60,000 + a year. Though I’m really quite certain he doesn’t get the money he should. Anyway, he and his sister were living in one of their parents houses, their parents moved back into this house.. well my boyfriend technically STILL lives there, but for the past 2 months has been eating, sleeping, showering and doing his laundry – correction *I’VE* been doing his laundry at my house.

I’ve asked him a hundred times when he’s going to move in fully, he just says soon, doesn’t see what the big deal is… well with the utility bills plus food costs, I’m getting further and further behind! He’s promised me about $2000 in total at various times to pay the bills, never got it. The guy has NO debt, NO bills, NOTHING. The most recent time – I had bought a bed from Easy home and if paid within 3 months you get it at a really good price, well I had $1500 left to pay, he said he would pay it and not to worry, so I put the money towards other bills – well he DIDN’T pay for it – which raised the price $1000. So I have two options – return the bed and go back to sleeping on my mattresses on the floor – which feels pretty welfarish considering I work so damn hard – or try to pay off the extra $1000 before I go on leave. When I found out he didn’t pay it, I was SO mad and SO stressed I not only wanted to hit him, but it landed me in the ER (insane stomach pain). Now this isn’t the first time I’ve ended up there from stress. Nope, it would be the 3rd in a month. And each time has had something to do with him (bike accident, no communication, etc).

This has been a pretty difficult pregnancy for me, and my doctor said if I’m not better by my next appt (Sept 8) I’m going on leave… well I’ve been getting worse due to stress… so I can pretty much expect to be on leave soon which is going to leave me pretty strapped for cash. Because he doesn’t help me with any bills and essentially I’ve been supporting him, its going to be VERY tight for me. I’m freaked right out, I’ve told him I cant raise 3 dogs, 3 kids AND a man child. I make pretty decent cash but its really only just enough for me, my lifestyle and my kids. I cant afford another adult too. He is from Ukraine and I don’t think he quite gets the whole relationship thing and exactly what he’s doing here. I’ve been pretty patient and tried waiting for him to mature and be here, but I don’t think I can do it much longer financially or mentally.

Aside from that, he is great with the kids and the dogs and he can be an amazing boyfriend when he wants to be. But he really is driving me insane. I’ve tried to talk to him, I try giving him his space, I’ve tried to break up with him, I really don’t know what else to do. He’s promised countless times he’ll change and he wont work til 9,10 at night (and yes, I do know he is working not cheating) and he’ll help me out and he’ll be here and I wont be doing this all by myself but I’ve yet to see it. I’m trying to get ahead here and I don’t see it happening. I told him I don’t believe a word he says and I don’t trust him, but do you blame me?!? I have HIS baby coming to this world soon, I really need him to smarten up or go away, I have to stay focused for my own sanity and my kids. In the same breath, I’m scared that I will be doing this alone and that for the next 6 months (plus a couple months for mat leave) things are going to get worse and he wont help at all.

I’m really sorry this has been so long and drawn out – but I really need help/advice. Anyone?

[Junket]

Sounds like you've made a lot of poor decisions.

After 2 kids, regardless of the pill, I'm surprised you let him bust a nut in you.

It sounds to me you're assuming marriage and financial dependence on a guy who doesn't intend on marrying you.

Not only that, but if he's working that late, why is that an issue? He's making money, money that you clearly want, and act like you're entitled to.

I would suggest: Don't waste your time, file for child support (if you have that in Canada), and keep your legs closed for a while.

[kalen]

well if you really care about the relationship, talk to him , as in really talk to him, don't let him avoid your questions or sweet talk you by telling you he'll give you money.
The guy obviously only gives a **** about him, or he has some other problems. An extensive talk should do the trick so you will know wether to keep him or dump him.

[chlebreton]

Marriage? Hardly. I dont even see WHERE it says that in ANYTHING I posted. I've done the whole marriage thing, i'm good. Financial support? Only if he is going to continue to use my resources so *I* am not supporting him (or did you miss that part? I do fine on my own - I support myself AND my kids and I would have been fine and continue to be fine if I werent paying for a 2nd adult on 1 income as well.

It's not like I'm trying to be a stay at home mom to try and leach off of someone else. And if he does make so much money, what would be the problem with buying groceries or paying some of the bills he makes for me? And why are YOU stating its ok for him to be entitled to MY money when it clearly goes towards supporting my children?

Also I was single for a year and a half after a 10 year marriage - so the statement "keeping my legs closed for a while" is insulting, you insinuate I'm a common tramp. Thank you, but I'm kinda hoping for a little bit more useful advice.

[vashti]

He's too young for this responsibility, and I do not see him manning up any time soon. I suggest you file for child support (BOTH fathers), and stop dating. You have to many more important things to deal with now, and these boys are only distracting your attention from your kids and creating more expenses for you.

ANd for the record, staying home to raise your kids is not "leeching" off someone. It's responsible parenting. Young children need a parent to care for them in the first few years of life.

Also, child support is not for you. It's for your kids. I don't think you should have the right to say these children's fathers don't have t pay them what they are legally entitled to.

[chlebreton]

Well my ex husband doesnt create more debt for me, he helped me quite a bit with the vehicle. But I understand what you're saying. Thanks to those who have given me better advice.

[chlebreton]

ANd for the record, staying home to raise your kids is not "leeching" off someone. It's responsible parenting. Young children need a parent to care for them in the first few years of life.

Also, child support is not for you. It's for your kids. I don't think you should have the right to say these children's fathers don't have t pay them what they are legally entitled to.

Yes, I understand and agree.. though some people may look at me like I'm just out for a buck thats why I kept the baby - so I wanted to clarify that. The kids dad and I both ensure the kids have everything they want and we live quite close together with an open visitation, and we are really good friends. If anything is needed he will provide it for the kids. There really is no problem with the ex.

[Junket]

Marriage? Hardly. I dont even see WHERE it says that in ANYTHING I posted. I've done the whole marriage thing, i'm good. Financial support? Only if he is going to continue to use my resources so *I* am not supporting him (or did you miss that part? I do fine on my own - I support myself AND my kids and I would have been fine and continue to be fine if I werent paying for a 2nd adult on 1 income as well.

It's not like I'm trying to be a stay at home mom to try and leach off of someone else. And if he does make so much money, what would be the problem with buying groceries or paying some of the bills he makes for me? And why are YOU stating its ok for him to be entitled to MY money when it clearly goes towards supporting my children?

Also I was single for a year and a half after a 10 year marriage - so the statement "keeping my legs closed for a while" is insulting, you insinuate I'm a common tramp. Thank you, but I'm kinda hoping for a little bit more useful advice.

Well I'm glad you cleared all that up, I apologize for my accusations.

Looks like Vashti has it from here.

[chlebreton]

Thanks, I'm sorry if anything I said was misleading. I'm just frustrated with the whole situation