He didn't tell me he was still in love with his ex, she is back and I got dumped

[neverbefore]

I didn't feel the need to justify how i feel. I feel hurt, sad, rejected, and used. I needed advice, i knew deep down i was 2nd place and that really isn't cool with me even if i convinced him, i would always wander if he was thinking of her and i couldn't live like that. i just needed to talk about it and reassure myself that letting him go was the best thing for me to do. im dealing with what will i regret more? trying and looking like a bigger idiot or not trying. and yes, i did consider him my boyfriend.

[nerdy_guy]

You didn't consider it then. Like I said, you never told us he's your boyfriend. You're considering it now because you got hurt, and it somehow needed to be justified. There's no need for closure, he already moved on. So should you.

[lahnnabell]

I didn't feel the need to justify how i feel. I feel hurt, sad, rejected, and used. I needed advice, i knew deep down i was 2nd place and that really isn't cool with me even if i convinced him, i would always wander if he was thinking of her and i couldn't live like that. i just needed to talk about it and reassure myself that letting him go was the best thing for me to do. im dealing with what will i regret more? trying and looking like a bigger idiot or not trying. and yes, i did consider him my boyfriend.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. We all make mistakes. Trying to pretend that we're perfect and above making mistakes is the stupid part. So take this and learn from it. Use it to make yourself better. When a man wants to hop into bed with you, tell him he can wait. If he finds you to be worth it, he'll wait around because it's YOU his interested in. Not the mind-blowing sex. That's not what makes a relationship thrive.

Yeah, he may have issues with this other girl, but that's for him to sort out. It has nothing to do with you, and you need to move on.

[neverbefore]

i know i f***d up by giving it up too soon, i really intended on waiting because i did like him. I am very impulsive, and i tend to live in the moment. huge character flaw. but one of my strengths is i can forgive. I dont have to be friends with him, just know that i don't have to hate him for being human. she will prob screw him over anyways. although i am angry now, that anger will only harm me. this is my attempt to talk myself into being the bigger person. And i would like to think he didn't have the power to soil or jade me.

[neverbefore]

you may not realize but this happened like 30 hours ago. i think i am movin right along. im not calling into work, sulking, im being proactive. geez, you are merciless

[neverbefore]

yes i felt like one, agreed. read above where it says 'you are a fool'

[lahnnabell]

you may not realize but this happened like 30 hours ago. i think i am movin right along. im not calling into work, sulking, im being proactive. geez, you are merciless

Good! Keep moving forward! It's better than no one coddled you. You don't need an excuse to feel sorry for yourself. And a few posts ago you weren't "movin right along". You were sulking and looking for reasons, any reason, to get back into his good graces. If anything, he should be trying to get back into your good graces. He's the selfish one.

This guy isn't worth another thought of yours. He used you. And realize that you have more control of yourself than just excusing your behavior because you're "impulsive". This will be good practice on how to use better judgment in the future.

[nerdy_guy]

geez, you are merciless

I'd call it tough love

[neverbefore]

believe me, i am not excusing it, i am owning it. i think posting anything here at all was an attempt to move on one way or another.like i said. i knew deep down, i was just being blinded by, well i don't know now, it just seems stupid. i called him out for using me and he swore that wasn't true. whatever. i knew it then and i for sure know it now. i told him once this ship had sailed there was no chance of buying another ticket and i need to stick to that. holy crap, i can't believe what i had talked myself into.

[lahnnabell]

believe me, i am not excusing it, i am owning it. i think posting anything here at all was an attempt to move on one way or another.like i said. i knew deep down, i was just being blinded by, well i don't know now, it just seems stupid. i called him out for using me and he swore that wasn't true. whatever. i knew it then and i for sure know it now. i told him once this ship had sailed there was no chance of buying another ticket and i need to stick to that. holy crap, i can't believe what i had talked myself into.

Good Definitely stick to it. He might be kicking himself later, but you'll have moved on by then. He can swear up and down that he wasn't intentionally using you, but he can't really fault all the evidence against him. He sounds very young and not very self-aware (something he'll learn about in the years to come). Inexperienced people are much more blinded by their hormones in situations like this. Sounds like he confused his lust for another warm body with genuine attraction. If he were really that into you, he wouldn't have up and left so quickly.

[sookie6]

Guys

I dated 2 guys last year and it quickly fizzled out due to their ex.

The reality of it is that most men don't wait to be ready to date again (actually many women don't either). They jump back in and they will happily tell you they have no feelings left for their ex and maybe they believe it. But then she calls back reminds them of the good moments and your're out of the pictures.

That guy from Marseille last year we went on 4 dates together (we had sex once and I did not like it so it probably made it easy for me not to fall for him)...that guy had been dating a girl for 6 months before me. According to him, she had no class, the kinda girl he would never introduce to his family, she was a sexy girl but nothing in her brains (his words)...

so anyway one day he phones me and said she wants back and she is moving back in with him. He said some women have arguments a man can't resist...and that was the end for me...

Second guy, had been divorced for 2 years and he said he was very ready and insisted on seeing me again. After 3 dates he was not making any efforts (actually he was depressed). He wanted the company and probably the sex but nothing more...

The last guy I met was more or less the same story as yours apart from the mind blowing sex (I wish). He kept saying his ex was a piece of work, that she did many things selfish and cruel to him. She was even older than me (proof that older women should never feel insecure compared to younger women)..

Anyway. My pride got me out of all these situations pretty quickly but I've realised when you meet a man you really need to do some subtle research on whether he is still pining for his ex or not.

Also I've made the mistake to say a few harsh words to each gentleman at the end of the first two experiences with a superior tone eh eh...not good...

But for the last one...I knew better. When he told me his ex was coming back, he seemed so tormented that I truely felt for him. I held his hand, and listen to this I told him:

' you've got to do what makes you happy. I'm not gonna be an extra pain in your life. You need to concentrate on whether you want to carry on with her rather than which one of the two is better for you...'

I was sincere...you know really...so I disappeared graciously from the scene and believe you me, one year later he is calling me back...

And no we are not together but he offered me a job.

OP, you have got a great lesson to learn here. Never never turn into a psycho when competing with another woman. Because you will lose in the long term.

Also do not count on sex to keep the loyalty of your man. Your story was only starting and I would say was promising but you did not have time for him to develop feelings.

Cut your losses. Know how to lose.

[lahnnabell]

I think on tell-tale sign of someone not being officially over their ex is the fact that the openly and continuously swear to be over them, and give reasons as to why they think their ex is a psycho. If they were really over them, they wouldn't feel the need to rehash it all the time. They'd just let it be what it is. A memory, the past.

[neverbefore]

he never once mention her or that she existed until he dumped me to go back to her. I was in shock. i knew of another ex, but this was a well kept secret. oh well. i wouldnt really say i turned psycho, just evil with words and i knew where to aim. not my proudest but cant change it now.

[lahnnabell]

Perhaps he really was trying to get over her, but as I said, rebounds don't really last either. They are fleeting because the feelings that fuel those relationships burn out pretty quickly, especially when sex is the main component. I think it was pretty stupid of him to even mention her at all upon breaking up. It only caused more drama. But he's a stupid boy. He had no idea what he was doing in either situation, with you or with her. He was just kind of riding the high until it ended.

[sookie6]

he never once mention her or that she existed until he dumped me to go back to her. I was in shock. i knew of another ex, but this was a well kept secret.

Not a sexist comment on my part but it's in the nature of men to keep a lot of personal info to themselves...especially when it touches on feelings...you'll never know what draws him to her...this things often can't be defined...not even by men themselves...

There could be a whole list that does not even start to explain the reasons.

A few years back we knew a gorgeous guy at work who was married to this chubby, plain looking girl (kind of uncommon in France to be married at such young age) We were all impressed by him. We thought he was not your usual shallow guy.

It turned out he explained to one of his mates that the girl's family had money and that she was soon to inherit a house. So, you see...

Not to be cynical, but there REALLY all sorts of reason people hold on to someone and very often you could never compete in the first place.

So be philosophical about it. and move on.