Need help making it through the day.

[Limey]

I'm currently sitting one chair away from my ex boyfriend at the company we both work at. We broke up three days ago -- after having a fight, I walked out. He said he loved me, that he'd miss me, and was crying and hurt. We agreed to talk more tomorrow, as emotions were running too high. The next day, after I'd had a day off from work and he'd come home, he contacted me on messenger. I asked if I could call so we could talk and he dodged me with claims that he was cooking. When I told him I'd missed him, he said 'I'm sorry'.

Hurt, I asked if he'd missed me too. He confessed that he had missed me a 'little bit', but believed that breaking up was the right thing to do. He claimed that, after analysing his feelings, he'd realized that he did not love me romantically and only loved me as a friend.

I was devastated, as he'd done this to me before. Five months ago, I ended up in hospital and asked him to come and be at my side. He refused, citing that it wasn't his place because he'd realized he didn't care about me in the way he used to. I was a complete wreck, and he turned off his phone and refused to communicate all weekend. The next three weeks were agony, with him acting as friendly as could be; smiling, laughing and joking with the team and acting for all the world as though a huge weight had risen from his shoulders and his life was now better. I'd spent the enite time drifting in and out of tears, with my boss and one of my colleagues acting as emotional support for me. I couldn't understand how someone who had previously been so loving and so caring (who told me that he'd loved me, that I was beautiful, and was for all the world the sweetest man I'd ever dated) could possibly be so cold now. How could someone like that just switch his feelings off, or, allow both he and I to continue through a relationship for weeks while his love dwindled away to nothing?

Eventually, after those three weeks, he came back to me and confessed he'd missed me and that he hadn't ceased to love me; only that he'd been hurt and wasn't sure if he had the strength to work at our relationship. Apparently, telling me he felt nothing had been kinder, so I wouldn't live on false hope. Unfortunately I had done; each smile and each laugh had been analysed and cross referenced and had been agony. Despite the warnings of my family, friends and boss, I took my ex back on the promise that he would never allow himself to fail to address doubts like that again -- that he would always warn me if he was worried in that way.

And now, a month before we hit our year anniversary, he has done it to me again. This time, it's different; before he'd cut off all communication and claimed he felt nothing. This time, he'd asked to be my friend -- said he still cared about me. I was the one to cut communication, terrified that I would live those three weeks in complete turmoil again. During our original breakup, I lost eight pounds and developed chronic stomach pains that lasted for two months afterward, even when he and I got back together. I've already lost three pounds in two days despite my decision to cut him out of my life. I refused to be his friend, and he expressed disappointment, saying that he was 'sorry I saw things that way'. I can't for the life of me think of how else I could 'see things' -- it's impossible to cease loving an ex if you continue to spend time with them.

I'm back at work now, and it's the same as before. He smiles at me, jokes with his colleagues and laughs -- he acts as though nothing has happened. I feel like I'm the only one hurt, and that he truly has had the time in the previous weeks to get over me romantically and I'm the only one screaming inside. I don't want to think about things or analyse them -- I just want to get away. Some part of me, though, keeps thinking about things; it keeps wondering how someone who had asked me down to see his parents at the weekend, someone who had sent special loving messages and someone who had cried for me could now out and say that they only cared for me as a friend. That part of me wants to believe that he's pretending again, that this is just a defense he puts up around himself. I don't want to live in the hope that that's the case, though; I could be waiting months for a man who has broken my heart and abandoned me in the same way twice. I could end up waiting for someone who is truly telling the truth -- someone that doesn't love me in the way I want anymore and never will.

I've resigned from my job, but I still have to work my leave. For two and a half weeks I have to sit a seat away from him and pretend I'm okay while he laughs and jokes and gets on with his life. We haven't had any contact outside of work since the breakup, and I've been torn apart inside. I'm still so in love that it feels like a dagger to the chest every time he so much as talks to someone. I'm no longer able to know more about him than anybody else -- his colleagues know his plans better than I do. I desperately want to accept his offer of friendship just so we can have some closeness, but I know that it would destroy me.

If nothing else, I know he must be lonely. He moved down to my city for the job and I was his only friend here. It's not enough, though, just to know that he's missing a friend. I wish he would hurt for me or, if he's really hurting -- I wish he would show it instead of choosing to tear me apart instead. Knowingly or unknowingly, it feels like the cruellest thing he could possibly do to me. I will never be able to cherish the memories of our times together because I will always know, in the back of my mind, that he didn't love me in the way he said during them. I can never cherish our loving times because they were false.

I don't know how I'm going to survive these two weeks. Sometimes all I can do is sit there and swallow to keep from bursting into tears. My boss has been understanding, but I can't take up so much of his time again -- I felt so guilty last time. I can talk to my friend outside of work, but it doesn't help the panic and pain I feel while I'm sitting here. I'm completely unproductive and I'm in pain. I don't know how I'm going to survive these weeks.

Most recent development: Went outside on my lunchbreak to talk to my friend and relieve some stress. I ended up crying a little bit; my ex wandered out of the building and got into his taxi. The taxi began moving slowly out of the drive. My ex looked at me, and saw me crying. He looked, then looked at the driver, and then allowed the driver to keep going. After getting back into the building I saw a little, cheery 'have a nice weekend everyone!!!' message sent from him to our team. He's never, not in the history of working at the building, done something like that. I can't help but feel it was written to get my attention and indicate how he's in such high spirits.

I feel like such a fool. I'm okay when I'm not at work, but sitting here -- it kills me. I can't think, I can't work; not with him sitting right in front of me. Switching desks isn't an option, as it's one big building and everybody can see everybody. I just have to ride out these two weeks, but it's seeming impossible right now. Today is worse than yesterday.

Does anyone have any advice on how to cope?

[tking25]

First of all, I wouldn't quit your job over this. You'll eventually get over it, and even though it sucks right now, hang in there and keep doing what you've been doing. Don't give up on things just because of him. He sounds like an idiot, so there's no doubt in my mind you will be able to find better than him. =)

[basicsarcasm]

I know how you feel. The hopelessness will subside. Stay strong and know he wasn't the first to love you and he won't be your last. Love yourself, even if it's just one thing go with it. You put yourself out there to talk and he acted as though he didn't care. Take him for how he's acting. If he truly loved you or felt sorry he wouldn't be punishing you both by acting as if you don't matter. Let him comeback if he cares and if he doesn't you already have your answer.

[Lite]

You walked out after an argument, broke up, and you expect him to be heartbroken? Frankly if I were angry and bitter at you for dumping me I'd put on a happy face and make every dig at you I could. I'd want you to suffer for hurting me. That is, if I were that kind of person.

Look, if my wife and I have a fight and she storms off and slams a door somewhere, I do not go follow her. Either she can talk to me like an adult, or she can go rant like a child.

You learned a big life lesson. Don't date people where you work. Time to go find a new job (that is, find a job before you quite this one), because he's going to keep behaving that way. If you have to, go talk to a doctor about it.

[Lite]

And now the helpful part.

Drink lots of water, and find ways to simply keep yourself busy for the next month or so. Time and distance don't necessarily heal things, but they do take the edge off of the pain.

He sounds genuinely confused, hurt, and angry about the breakup. His response is to simply ignore you and act as if he's moved on. He hasn't, not really anyway. He's just acting like he has, and yeah it hurts. It's a stupid game that people play when breaking up, and it sucks.

When I break up with someone I tend to stop dating outright for months at a time. I just don't deal with it well, and I've gone 9 months at a stretch without feeling like I could really date anyone. You have to cope, it's just how life is, and no it isn't fair. Life isn't fair, it never will be.

So, back to the advice. Lots of water, eat regularly, keep yourself feeling physically comfortable. Listen to music that keeps your spirits up, exercise, try to channel your feelings towards anger instead of sadness. One is bad energy directed inward, the other allows you to vent it out from yourself.

[sherylinfenn]

one advice to you - go to the closest book store and buy "he is not that much into you"' - dont watch the movie as its not that good. Read the book - I am sure it will help you get some perspective ( and if it does not help at least will kill few hours of your agony) but DONT QUIT UR JOB!!!!

Good luck

Sherylin