To Get Married?

[DearDorthy]

Hi - im new to this site and well here goes nothing ( it makes me laugh how many times im sure someones started like that )

So - ive been going out with my finace for around 4 years. when we were first dating i knew 100% that i wanted to marry him. Now .. i just .. could be having cold feet? I am surrounded by divorce.. child of divorce.. ladies in the office are divorced etc. etc. From their divorce, they do find happiness. Its not getting divorced that worries me-

My man, hes lazy. when hes frustrated he gives up instantly. then after sleeping on it, his common sense kicks in. He doesnt have any college education, and we cant afford for him to go back to school yet. Hes had trouble keeping a job, hes been off work for a while due to a leg injury and hes in pain alot. So naturally cleaning etc after working my ass off all week while he sits there is really getting to me. And i know hes in pain, and it makes me feel guilty that im pissed..

You know things could work themselves out, once the leg gets better, and he gets a job etc etc - i do think things could change. I just wonder - what if they dont? .. if they dont then i guess the answer is easy - but if i am asking myself this and thinking about it - is he still the one? no one is perfect...

Do i rationalize breaking up now without seeing what happens in the future? Do i risk ending love for something that could change?

I guess the main question is : when two people get married - do they get married knowing that it will last forever? or do they get married knowing that they will be happy for the time that have together, even if its not forever?


Thanks. DearDorthy XX

[Petit Papillon]

I would do like this... I would try to explain him ,that he has to try more,to work on his situation, that you're not his mummy, that you both suppose to work on this household together. I'm sure he's not so sick that he can't at least keep the house clean or cook something from time to time... You use hand to clean up and to cook, not your legs. IF his leg is hurting, he can take a chair to the kitchen ,sit and prepare food like this.This is the way it should be...If one person is working and other not - the other should work at least at home... If you tell him that and he starts to object , it will be just an excuse . Really...

You know, when people get married, they should at least think "it's forever" ... But I understand that you can't think this way... At least not yet... Try to work things out with him. Se if he will try. But don't blackmail him or something... Explain him that things have to change ,because it's not the way it was supposed to be. You can't be a mother to your own husband-to-be .

[Lite]

Have you simply considered counseling?

Just because you are injured doesn't mean you are excused to simply give up on contributing to a relationship. Either he attempts to find ways to continue to contribute/clean/prepare food, or he doesn't.

[zonay]

Honey, I am just 24 but a patient of rheumatoid arthritis, I have broken both my feet TWICE and a leg ONCE, even when I am writing this I have a sprain in my right ankle. But these injuries have never made me a burden on anyone, after the due rest I go on and work. There are so many helping devices like crunches, chairs etc that make your movements resistance free. If I can swim and cook in this situation, I am sure he can at least help you in chopping the vegetables!
And also if he can't get a job that requires a college degree, he can start some small business or job anywhere else? I won't comment more cause' I don't know the working habits in your country.

Now coming to your actual question: I think when you are getting married you should try to enter with the mind set that this is it for both of you. Cause' marriage is different than dating. It's a complete institute where you have a household to manage, a spouse to share your life with and kids. And a shattered marriage is very traumatic both for the couple and the kids. Everyone has differences but something big like a marriage shouldn't end just by the snap of fingers. Although if things get violent or abusive that's another story.

I'd suggest you consider the complete pros and cones before you get married. And wait till the time your fiancee is ready to make a change. Don't take the risk.

[DearDorthy]

Thank you all for replying -

I will try to work things out and maybe try to get him to work on small things .. baby steps..
I hope things will get better once he gets a job that he really likes - im thinking its a confidence thing. Once he knows
he can accomplish something it will be better, in every way.

Thanks for your inspiring words, its given me somethings to think about and to work with.

-DearDorthy XX