BBQ's and relationships of conveniences.

[VincenzoG91]

I don't think marriage is necessary if you have the right person, if you love each other what difference does a bit of paper make?

I love you, but I'm not willing to make a legal commitment to our relationship. That sends a hell of a message. Sounds like the kind of person who might go out for cigarettes and never come back.

Like Graham, I think that it's better to stay single than to marry the wrong person. But I'm definitely willing to marry the right person.

[BusyBee]

As far as I'm concerned, Marriage is not necessary, if i give my love and I'm willing to spend my life with somebody why would I need to marry that person.
It's not that legal commitment that stops people from cheating on each other or divorcing, is it?
I mean if you commit yourself to a relationship, isn't that way more important than a white dress and a party?

[VincenzoG91]

In theory, marriage is just a legal formality reflecting the underlying commitment. But if somebody refuses to get married, that certainly raises a question about the commitment.

[Gigabitch]

I have seen this, almost everyone i know is married or have live in long term partners, but not one of them seems to be really happy. One of the things i loved about my relationship with M was how we didn't feel the need to move in together, we didn't feel that need to fit the stereo type, have children, clean the car on Saturday mornings ect..

Kerri, I don't think citing Matt's non-stereotypical lifestyle is very compelling, in light of what we know about him now.

Exactly. Being and possibly dieing alone doesn't scare me as much as living and being married to the wrong person...

I strongly agree.

You don't have to maintain that "in love" feeling if you really are with the right person.

I strongly disagree. Maintaining this in a relationship should be a priority, not a given.

[girl68]

I mean if you commit yourself to a relationship, isn't that way more important than a white dress and a party?

a wedding = a white dress and a party (and sometimes not even) MARRIAGE is much more. It's silly for you to conclude marriage is only the celebration.

[Lite]

Perhaps I should be keen to rephrase every post I've made as people I seem to strike a nerve with seem to want to nitpick what I say. Statistically speaking I am sure SOME ONE at my work has a decent marriage. However at this BBQ I did not meet any.

The funny thing is that married men are statistically happier and live longer and healthier lives.

[lahnnabell]

When a guy surrounds himself with other guys (especially ones he does not know), the last thing he's going to do is start a dialogue that makes him look emotionally vulnerable. He's going to say the manliest thing he can think of, and that usually doesn't involve praising his wife's cooking, or how smart his kids are.

Like someone else said, it's a façade.

[BusyBee]

a wedding = a white dress and a party (and sometimes not even) MARRIAGE is much more. It's silly for you to conclude marriage is only the celebration.

A marriage should be more, but I'm sorry to have to tell you that in most cases nowadays it isn't. If you look at couples quite often they get married quickly and get divorced as quickly. Tell me about a commitment. I agree that if you are in relationship and you mean to stay in it then you can get married but if it is to get married just because it's the done thing, then leave it.

[girl68]

"most cases?" show me "most cases they rushed in and got divorced just as fast. Then show me how you know that the rushing was the reason for the divorce.

I think "most couples" truely do believe they are doing the whole real committment thing- they're just wrong.

[Bella82]

If I asked you, what does "being in love" look like to you, what would you say? There are many different ways of expressing that you love someone, and it doesn't have to involve fawning all over them like a giddy schoolboy. [Picture Jim Carey in Dumb & Dumber]

Secondly, how can you be certain that you can tell which couples are truly happy, and which ones are just going through the motions, together out of convenience? A company picnic, where perhaps not everyone is at their highest comfort level, or doesn't necessarily want to be there, isn't the best place to analyze the strength of a marriage. Many couples may also be saving their affections for when they are alone with each other, and not out in public with all of their coworkers looking on.

At the end of the day, it's a matter of perspective. Coming from someone single and happy, you felt that no one seemed to be in love. But perhaps looking through the eyes of a committed married couple, you seemed lonely while single, and needed setting up!

[lahnnabell]

A marriage should be more, but I'm sorry to have to tell you that in most cases nowadays it isn't. If you look at couples quite often they get married quickly and get divorced as quickly. Tell me about a commitment. I agree that if you are in relationship and you mean to stay in it then you can get married but if it is to get married just because it's the done thing, then leave it.

Society has created a whole lifestyle around weddings. There are endless books and magazines dedicated to the smallest of wedding topics like flowers, or place settings. It can be a pretty grandiose affair, and a lot of time and money goes into suckering females into thinking that it's wise to invest so much into that one big day.

The same goes for marriage itself. I can't even tell you how many of my old classmates I've talked to that say, "My relationship is good. Thinkin' about buying a ring. I kinda miss being single, but it seems like it's getting to be that time." People really are suckered into believing that there is some strict formula for life. You graduate, go to college, get a job, find a partner, get married, have kids, die. There is much more to life, but many are afraid to step outside the rubric and try something different. They settle for what they've been told is the safe option. It doesn't have to be that way, but our society perpetuates it now.

[BusyBee]

Society has created a whole lifestyle around weddings. There are endless books and magazines dedicated to the smallest of wedding topics like flowers, or place settings. It can be a pretty grandiose affair, and a lot of time and money goes into suckering females into thinking that it's wise to invest so much into that one big day.

The same goes for marriage itself. I can't even tell you how many of my old classmates I've talked to that say, "My relationship is good. Thinkin' about buying a ring. I kinda miss being single, but it seems like it's getting to be that time." People really are suckered into believing that there is some strict formula for life. You graduate, go to college, get a job, find a partner, get married, have kids, die. There is much more to life, but many are afraid to step outside the rubric and try something different. They settle for what they've been told is the safe option. It doesn't have to be that way, but our society perpetuates it now.

I agree with you, society tries and makes you believ there is only one path and nothing else, but it's not true you have to find your own way and not just do the whole "done thing". I know a lot of those people who get at a certain age and start doing things because it's time and not because they want to. I mean who says that by a certain age you should be married or have kids. What about people who don't do it? Do we need to shoot them?

[BusyBee]

"most cases?" show me "most cases they rushed in and got divorced just as fast. Then show me how you know that the rushing was the reason for the divorce.

I think "most couples" truely do believe they are doing the whole real committment thing- they're just wrong.

Let's just agree to disagree. Can I ask your age? I'd say less than 25.
I could show you many cases and not searching far. There's one couple (divorced now), they met in a club 3 months later decided to get married. Great ceremony and party. 9 Months after baby. After birth, Husband had an affair because he wasn't getting any at home. Didn't matter, as soon as the woman was back at work, she had one too. He's been divorced 3 times, she twice.
Let's see, what else. Oh yeah, committment, that was it, if you commit to a person and you want to prove your committment to her by marriage, would you really have kids 6 months younger with someone else than the son you've had with your wife. If you want some more....

Seems like hell of people are wrong, I reckon they're scared of being lonely and obvioulsy it's a great party to get married, as many times as you do.

I truly wish that it was different but nowadays the whole committment thing seems to have gone lost.

[Alvy]

Graduate at 20 something, get married in your late 20, early 30 something, pop out/father a few kids, realise you're 40 something now, stuck in the same routine for god knows how long before old age takes over and you retire at 60 something wandering, wait, was that all there is to it? That's probably the general framework for most of our lives. Some want/desire marriage, some prefer being only accountable to themselves. And some would rather be with a high-tech human 'cuddle doll'. Whatever floats their ocean liner.

[VincenzoG91]

Alvy, I also read your post in the meaning of life thread. When you distill it down to the basics like you just did, life sounds like pointless drudgery. And maybe it is, if you leave it at that. I chose a different course for my life, and it's been interesting, but my biggest regret right now is that I could have dated more when I was younger, and possibly met the right kind of person at a younger age. Now I'm in my mid-40s, in a serious relationship but not married, and without kids. My girlfriend is younger, so we could still reasonably have kids, but I will be an old man before any of my potential kids become adults. Maybe my married friends envy my carefree lifestyle, but I envy them for having kids and still being young enough to enjoy seeing their kids become adults. Unless somebody manages to become famous for doing something important or at least creative (as opposed to just appearing on some reality tv show), the only way to leave a lasting mark on this planet is to have a kid. Every person alive today is the culmination of many, many generations of people having kids. And usually the reason all those people decided to have kids was because it satisfies a primal urge to bring life into this world.