BBQ's and relationships of conveniences.

[Graham Berkeley]

Last week my company had a weekend BBQ for friends and family. There a total of about 75 people that work for my company so the BBQ was pretty damn large. Met many of my co-workers spouses and kids. Walked away from the event kinda shocked how basically EVERYONE I work with is married or on the path to being married but couldn't help but notice I didn't meet anyone who was actually in love. Something about their body language and the way everyone conversed...

I don't bring my personal life into the work place or talk about my personal life much there. My co-workers seemed so fascinated that not only am I not married but that I was single and enjoying it. The guys were giving me their old stories of when they were lone stallions clearly missing them but with an air of "But now I am miserable and bored and that is what maturity is. I grew up."
It was abundantly clear everyone I met with were in relationship/marriages of conveniences.

For some reason I became the center of attention in this little group of co-workers and their spouses as they sat there almost psycho analyzing me and trying to convenience me to join them. "I know a single girl! You guys would really hit it off!" and crap like that as If would meet this person and decide I needed an accessory and marry her the way they seem to have with their spouses. One of the Eastern girls went so far as to ask "Don't you want someone to cook and clean for you?". Found it insulting and would never reduce my spouse to a maid because it made my work schedule easier...

Long story short I see what marriage and relationships are to these types of people and it made me a little sick to my stomach...

[Alvy]

It's a fair point. How long have your co-workers been married for? Trying to maintain that 'in love' feeling and attitude for 40/50+ years is unbelievably difficult. And since people suck at predicting how they'll feel/think/act in the future, it's no surprise that some marriages become mundane.

[Graham Berkeley]

I suppose ''most'' folk feel their biological clock ticking, they settle for second best rather than risking being left on the shelve ?

Exactly. Being and possibly dieing alone doesn't scare me as much as living and being married to the wrong person...

It's a fair point. How long have your co-workers been married for? Trying to maintain that 'in love' feeling and attitude for 40/50+ years is unbelievably difficult. And since people suck at predicting how they'll feel/think/act in the future, it's no surprise that some marriages become mundane.

You don't have to maintain that "in love" feeling if you really are with the right person.

[vashti]

I think it's rather presumptuous to think that you have the vaguest idea of whether or not people are happily married, just because they aren't all over each other at a family barbecue. People's values change with time, and love is demonstrated differently at different points in your life.

It's also very naive to think that you won't have to put any effort in if you are with the right person. Sorry, it just IS.

[Graham Berkeley]

Vashti, its pretty clear when a couple has lost passion for each other and cant even look one-another in the eye when talking... When their body language conveys boredom. Maybe we just have different ideas of what love is. I didn't say you wouldn't have to put in any effort with the right person... I am saying that when it is the right person it doesn't feel like effort kinda like when you have a passion for what you do for a living you never have to go to work.

Makes me wonder about you and your husband...

[vashti]

Out of 75 families, there was not a single person who was happily married? Please.

They may have looked bored because the barbecue was boring. Company parties usually are.

[Graham Berkeley]

Awfully defensive Vashti...

BTW what is the nature of your job/marriage and responsibilities that you can reply so quickly to everyone post in every single thread at seemingly any time of day? I go back and forth through phases of posting on this forum and every time I log in most threads are populated by your replies and rebuttals...

[vashti]

I reply to the posts (that catch my interest) that pop up when you hit the "new posts" button. They list the most current thread, so obviously, that would be the one that was most recently posted on. There are lots of threads I don't post on.

I am a nurse, I work full time, and I have a kid with medical issues which requires me to be home a lot on my days off, so I have a lot of free time on my hands when at home.

Now tell me YOUR excuse for why an unattached guy who is so easily able to become the center of attention at a boring work party would waste so much time on forum, pretending to understand how marriage works, when he can't manage to hold a relationship together...

[fi123]

I agree with vashti. It's very egotistical to presume you can work out the ins and outs of people's marriages at a barbecue. Your post comes across as if you have a very heightened opinion of yourself and that you feel superior to these people because you have got life worked out and they have messed up theirs by being in bad marriages.

I think you need to learn some humility.

The fact that you use your full real name on a forum like this only adds to my opinion that you are up your own ****.

[Lite]

Awfully defensive Vashti...

BTW what is the nature of your job/marriage and responsibilities that you can reply so quickly to everyone post in every single thread at seemingly any time of day? I go back and forth through phases of posting on this forum and every time I log in most threads are populated by your replies and rebuttals...

Why wouldn't someone defend their difference of opinion? That's kind of what's at the heart of a debate isn't it? You're not asking for advice, just rambling about some pseudo-intellectual self discovery you claim to have found.

Me? I HATE company picnics. Perhaps the reason spouses weren't happy is because they felt forced to go to an event that they really didn't want to go to. As for guys longing for the good old days, nobody tricked them into getting married. They may occasionally yearn for days of yore, but I'd rather go through a bad time with a spouse than without one. Just because times are tough doesn't mean that one spouse or the other caused the tough time. Having married the wrong person, and then the right person, I can tell you that when you have a good matching partner your life really is better. Even during the tough times. If you don't want to get married, that's perfectly fine and your choice. Just don't come here to post some rambling crap manifesto about why you are making that choice. Honestly it sounds like you're actually rather bitter about committed relationships and you're trying to justify to yourself why you wouldn't want to get married.

So, here's a good breakdown of life. Couple 1 was expecting a new child, and things were tense. They weren't sure how they were going to afford it yet. Couple 2 would rather have been out boating on the lake, but the guy felt as if he would be passed over for promotion by not being a team player and attending. Couple 3 has a sick dog, so they're just stressed in general...Oh and their car is on its last legs and they haven't had a raise in 2 years.

[bluesummer]

If I had a nickel for every man out there who mused with the guys about the "good old days" before marriage, I'd be the richest person in the world. It's a role they play as a man in society, with other men.....and in many cases it's a facade.

[Graham Berkeley]

Why wouldn't someone defend their difference of opinion? That's kind of what's at the heart of a debate isn't it? You're not asking for advice, just rambling about some pseudo-intellectual self discovery you claim to have found.

Me? I HATE company picnics. Perhaps the reason spouses weren't happy is because they felt forced to go to an event that they really didn't want to go to. As for guys longing for the good old days, nobody tricked them into getting married. They may occasionally yearn for days of yore, but I'd rather go through a bad time with a spouse than without one. Just because times are tough doesn't mean that one spouse or the other caused the tough time. Having married the wrong person, and then the right person, I can tell you that when you have a good matching partner your life really is better. Even during the tough times. If you don't want to get married, that's perfectly fine and your choice. Just don't come here to post some rambling crap manifesto about why you are making that choice. Honestly it sounds like you're actually rather bitter about committed relationships and you're trying to justify to yourself why you wouldn't want to get married.

So, here's a good breakdown of life. Couple 1 was expecting a new child, and things were tense. They weren't sure how they were going to afford it yet. Couple 2 would rather have been out boating on the lake, but the guy felt as if he would be passed over for promotion by not being a team player and attending. Couple 3 has a sick dog, so they're just stressed in general...Oh and their car is on its last legs and they haven't had a raise in 2 years.

Perhaps I should be keen to rephrase every post I've made as people I seem to strike a nerve with seem to want to nitpick what I say. Statistically speaking I am sure SOME ONE at my work has a decent marriage. However at this BBQ I did not meet any.

and I have a kid with medical issues which requires me to be home a lot on my days off, so I have a lot of free time on my hands when at home...

I'm sorry to hear about your child's medical issues. You seem like you would be fun to meet in person though.

There is a difference between not being able to hold a relationship together and not wanting to hold a relationship together.

[lahnnabell]

If I had a nickel for every man out there who mused with the guys about the "good old days" before marriage, I'd be the richest person in the world. It's a role they play as a man in society, with other men.....and in many cases it's a facade.

I totally agree with this. I realized this a little while ago too in regards to my own boyfriend. I was always wondering why I never the got chance to meet more of his guy friends. The reason I didn't meet many of his guy friends was due to their vast immaturity when it comes to relationships. Most of them have never had serious girlfriends, and simply couldn't understand what being in a relationship meant. My boyfriend would speak about me to them with an air of indifference. At first I was insulted, but I realized that they simply didn't understand relationships in the same way he did. They couldn't connect with the type of feelings my boyfriend had for me. My boyfriend is incredibly sweet to me when we're together, and many of his female friends love me.

The guys are just kind of off in their own world. This increases when it's just the guys shootin' the shit with other guys. It's a pissing contest of sorts to see who's the bigger man. And as we learn from societal stereoptypes, men don't have emotions.

[VincenzoG91]

When I was a kid, I loved grape juice, but thought that wine tasted yucky, like vinegar. As an adult, I find grape juice to be sickeningly sweet, and find that the right glass of wine can really enhance a good meal.

Graham, it's possible that what you look for as the outward manifestations of love are characteristic of teenagers... public displays of affection, puppy dog fawning, cutesy baby talk, etc. Like grape juice. A stable and mature relationship is going to operate on a different level. They are unlikely to do public displays of affection because they aren't insecure teens trying to prove something. They are more likely to save the affection for the privacy of their own bedroom. And while both partners have likely made many compromises for the sake of the ongoing relationship, that is offset by the warmth and security of having a reliable partner. Like a fine wine. Grape juice and wine both come from grapes, but there is a crucial difference in age and preparation.

And of course, some marriages are bad, or at least not very good. But only the worst ones are going to be obvious at a company picnic. Everybody there is probably trying to make a good impression, or at least avoid making a bad impression. So it's a lousy situation to gain insights about marriage.

[BusyBee]

I actually have to say and now not taking into account what difference of opinion there have been that I have noticed a lot of them convenience marriages around me too.
I knwo a womanwho married a man (they've been together for 10 years) and keeps having flings at other blokes but wants a baby with her husband. He has a rich family.
I know another bloke who turned 40 and decided it was time to have kids, so he married a woman he wasn't that attracted to but who was the family type.
And I have to say that I agree with the over 30 thing, society seems to want to force you to be in a relationship whether you are happy in it or not.
I don't think marriage is necessary if you have the right person, if you love each other what difference does a bit of paper make?