Help: I'm crazy about a girl, but there's a big age difference, what should I do?

[Alexoid Minty]

Ok here goes:

When I was working abroad a couple of years ago I met a girl, a friend's niece. She was only 16 then, and I was 26 at the time. She struck me as a smart and rather intense girl, and she seemed very interested in talking to me. After that, she'd pop in my head every so often but nothing more than that.

Then she started emailing me. I'd respond with a brief hello to her and her family, and ask about her studies. After a while I wouldn't respond at all, deliberately, because I was worried this was developing into an unhealthy interest.

Anyway, a year and a half on, after intermittent email exchanges, she emailed asking me to help her with her homework via msn, and as I had given her a couple of study books before and helped her in person, I agreed. We spoke a couple of times and it quickly became apparent to me that she's highly intelligent and had matured a great deal. She won a scholarship for a very good university, and she has a very mature outlook, and is much more experienced and driven than I was at that age, and seems to know exactly what she wants. I'm relatively attractive and I'm not short of offers but I never like any of them and I've not found a women I really liked for a good few years. With this girl, however, I'm very attracted to her unusual personality, as well as the fact she's blossomed into a beautiful young woman. She has this charming voice and such enthusiasm I just find her adorable. I wish so much we were the same age. Anyway, I became concerned about my feelings developing further because of the age difference.

So we'd been communicating for 3 months and found I was becoming more and more attracted to her, then one day she said she wanted to have a relationship with me. I said the age gap was a problem. She said it wasn't. I felt pretty uncomfortable, but at the same time I felt this overwhelming attraction to her. Since then, as well as talking regularly, she has expressed very strong sexual desires towards me, which was quite disarming at first. She wants me to go over there and for us to be together and fulfill this desire. She's also told her family that she likes me a lot, and they know me and are ok with it.

I really don't know if this is a good idea. I'm confused. She said she wanted to be totally honest with me so she admitted that she's very confused right now as she feels a very strong sexual desire and wants to have sex soon (the last time she did was 2 years ago). I have been the principal object of this desire for quite some time, but she also feels attracted to many men, which is normal of course, and says if she has to wait for, say, 2 years for me to go over there then she wondered how I would feel about non-monogamous relationship, as she finds she's attracted to "a lot of guys". As a 27-yr old with experience of sex/love I have no right to legislate over a 17 year old who is just beginning this journey, and because I care for her immensely, I won't hold her back from doing whatever she feels she needs to do to grow as a person (whether it hurts me or not). But I also pointed out that when you're horny the object of desire can often be interchangeable, and she's also under stress with exams which further confuses the hormones. I can understand if she likes someone else, and while I appreciated that it would be enjoyable to consumate this desire with one of them, in my experience the most satisfactory sex is with someone you love (from my experience).

I should also point out that I think it's fairly safe to say in the course of these 6 months of almost daily contact my feelings and conception of her have grown enough to begin to say I love her, and she feels the same.

But she is just beginning this sex/lovejourney and has merely an abstract conception of what it's is all about for her, each person finds out for themselves. She still needs to develop her understanding of this. On the one hand, she feels sexual desire and wants it now, and the cultural form that enables this without the trappings of emotional attachment is the "quick fling" or "one night stand". And if you add into that the fact that you love someone else at the same time as doing it, it becomes a non-monogamous relationship, which she mentioned as the model for what could happen with us. She seems to need to satiate this desire pretty soon whether with me or someone else (the last time she did was 2 years ago. She was an early starter). I told her that I want her to do whatever she feels she must do, and even though it would be unpleasant for me I'll do my best to understand. (I obviously love to be there with her right now)

One the other hand, I did point out that even though she says she's very clear that she wants sex and nothing more (with a specific guy she hangs out with), in my experience a sexual bond develops between partners that is very strong and I feared that she would quickly forget about me. I think sex with a close friend will bring about issues that exceed the accomplishment of mere physical satisfaction. I don't see how she can abstract away the intimacy with me and have sex with her friend, as it affects us as well as her friendship. Only an inexperienced person who doesn't know their emotional response to intimacy will confuse things up (but please note that a person can also be mature and have a well-consolidated sexuality and who has many different partners at the same time, but this is not a confusion of inexperience, but can be a conscious life choice - not one I adhere to but valid nonetheless). She responded that of course she could never forget me, and that on second thoughts she was feeling a bit mixed up and really wanted me to be there with her, and that having sex with her friend would just not be the same. Was this all just an attempt to speed me over to there and into her arms? I reiterated that I still respected her wishes whatever they might be. I thought: if she forgets me after getting together with someone else, well, that'll make things easier for the both of us I suppose. I will have confirmation that the bond she says she has to me was really not that strong, and will more easily let go of her; and she will have discovered for herself the nature of love and sex.

As I see it, a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship denotes physical contact between the partners. To say you have an amorous relationship with someone but have sex with another is like calling yourself a baker but going to the post office to work each day. So for her to say she still loves me yet have close intimacy with another guy would be totally absurd. I'd be out of the picture. I would very much like to be with her but on the other hand I'm not sure I can get back to her before a year, and I'm also worried about money and my lack of direction in life, which makes me think this infatuation with younger girl is a somehow a stalling strategy to avoid of moving ahead with my life. Since I want the best for her, I am prone to think the best thing to do would be to tell her to carry on with her life and for us to continue to be friends. And that maybe one day maybe we'll be together when she's older. But then again, I find her so incredibly attractive to the exclusion of anyone else.

What should I do? Should I go over there for a holiday and try and see if it works? Should I stay in my city to sort out my money and work problems, then go and see her in a year or two? Or am I being totally ridiculous? Is this just unhealthy infatuation and I should let go? I would appreciate some perspective

Thank you!!

[Tasha&J]

I fell in love and then I let him go because he moved away and I've regretted it ever since and I still want him a year and a half on. If I could go back I'd change things so if I were you I'd take your chance because you can never replace people once they're gone and if either of you have to move on you'll constantly be comparing the new person to each other anyway. If you try it and it doesn't work, both of you will have learned from it, but if you don't try how will you ever know? Age is only a number and if neither of you are phased by it, it won't get in the way...

[m-xoxo19]

I say go for it! But be prepared if she changes her mind! Its hard being young and it will be even harder if theres things she wants to do (go out clubbing, concerts, ect) that you might not be as interested in now as you were at her age. I say go for it! You only live once!!

[Alexoid Minty]

Thank you for the advice!

I should visit her as soon as I can afford it and see if the feelings continue when we're together in person. Otherwise I'll always wonder if it could have been.

I need to stop worrying so much

[bluesummer]

All I'm going to say is that a 27 yr old man has no business with a 17 yr old GIRL.

You're right to be cautious about this. You know about relationships, she doesn't. She's young and naive and wants someone to want her. Raging hormones and all. I remember my friend was dating a 24 yr old when she was 17, and we all hated him because we thought he was a creepy loser who was into little girls.

You should worry about her father, he'll probably want to kill you. Just so you know.

[SapphireBerry]

Don't rely on her to be mature about a relationship. You might get yourself in a bit of trouble here
I'm just sayin

[EvanHadkins]

She'll soon be 18 - licensed to drive, able to join an army and shoot people . . .

I think you need to accept she may like you for a while and then drop you. How would you feel about this? The difference in experience is something you can't do anything about but it will make a difference. How do you feel about this? Once she goes to uni or whatever and realises that there are lots of possible partners will you be upset if she drops you?

Relationships like this can work. But you will get negative judgements and there are things that need thinking about.

[calvins123]

If it's only physical relationship she wants there's no future with her mate and if it's a future that both of you are looking at then age should not be an issue 10 yrs in todays age is not a big deal as long as both of you are mature and compattible and undertstand each other and need to talk about how to take this relationship forward, once committed to each other then think about athe physical side or else if she moves away after that seperation will be more painful for you than her.

[Lite]

Why are you so emotionally stunted that you feel the need to date a girl who hasn't completed puberty let alone is a grown woman who knows who she is and what she wants in life? The only people I know who date minors who are 10 years younger than themselves are either emotionally f*cked up, or the minor is emotionally f*cked up because she lacks stability in her life and is willing to cling to anyone she can in order to stay afloat.

If you were 40, and she was 30 I'd have a completely different opinion. But right not your behavior is borderline predatory and/or she's trying to use you to gain stability in her life because she's screwed up in a serious way.

Either way the relationship will not last or end well.

[Alexoid Minty]

Appreciate Lite's explecative-filled warning, but this definitely isn't a case of two emotionally disturbed people. Not so drastic - we wouldn't jump into anything crazy without considering the consequences. She comes from a solid, loving family and is very smart and knows exactly she wants.

I'm not attracted to 17yr olds in general (as normal for a 27yr old) and have always gone for girls my own age. In many ways she's far in advance of your average 17yr old, but I dare say if I met her face to face the age-gap would makes itself very apparent and my illusion would fade away.

Evanhadkins rightfully brings up questions of her dropping me fairly quickly as well as stigma from other people.

Perhaps I should just abandon the project, and move on. Sigh. Damned age difference, and my stubborn heart!

[hello1]

I remember clearly being an 17 years old (Im 21) I do not think any relationship would work with an 27year old. At your age you may be looking for a serious, mature relationship while she has just started out with her life! shes not even a legal adult yet! You will always be knowns/remembered as the older man who held her back and stunted her growth. She needs be around people her own age.