Two guys like me...what should I do?

[Agape]

Well think of it this way. . . "He will be in college for 5 more years"

Do you want to experience this life for 5 MORE YEARS?! . . . if not then try and find other guys and move on

And no, you're not asking to much . . .you want to be his girlfriend, his significant other - does it seem like that? And judging by his actions, it doesn't look like it.

[girl68]

You don't think that's expecting too much from him? I just don't want to have unrealistic expectations and then end up hurting him because of my selfishness. That's why I was so torn up over the Ben/Greg decision to begin with, it's like I need to choose between my or his happiness and it's a really hard call to make. (Although I will reiterate that even if we do break up, I won't go out with Greg, at least not until I'm over Ben entirely and have some time to myself)

What would you tell your best friend is she asked you: My boyfriend says he loves me but never, ever shows me, I'm unhappy should I leave him? I can gaurentee you will advise your bff to leave. Why because you KNOW that being loved means FEELING loved. And when a man or womane excepts his or her partner to just "know" they're loved they're in for a rude awakening.

I was once stuck where you are. First boyfriend ever, 5 years in couldn't bear the thought of "starting over" so I stayed. Guess what he said when I complained I wasn't getting enough affection, loves, hugs, kisses, sweet nothings? Well you should know I love you. Well to his dismay I left and found someone who didn't have a problem SHOWING me he loved me in the way I want to be loved not the way HE thinks love goes. Tough for him he's been single for 5 years and I'm engaged. I don't think he ever learned how to love a woman- maybe in the next 5 years.

[fod999]

Well think of it this way. . . "He will be in college for 5 more years"

Do you want to experience this life for 5 MORE YEARS?! . . . if not then try and find other guys and move on

And no, you're not asking to much . . .you want to be his girlfriend, his significant other - does it seem like that? And judging by his actions, it doesn't look like it.

Yeah, I don't think that I could handle 5 more years of this. It's unbearable.

What would you tell your best friend is she asked you: My boyfriend says he loves me but never, ever shows me, I'm unhappy should I leave him? I can gaurentee you will advise your bff to leave. Why because you KNOW that being loved means FEELING loved. And when a man or womane excepts his or her partner to just "know" they're loved they're in for a rude awakening.

I was once stuck where you are. First boyfriend ever, 5 years in couldn't bear the thought of "starting over" so I stayed. Guess what he said when I complained I wasn't getting enough affection, loves, hugs, kisses, sweet nothings? Well you should know I love you. Well to his dismay I left and found someone who didn't have a problem SHOWING me he loved me in the way I want to be loved not the way HE thinks love goes. Tough for him he's been single for 5 years and I'm engaged. I don't think he ever learned how to love a woman- maybe in the next 5 years.

Well it's good to know that there are guys out there who aren't afraid to show their love for their girlfriends/fiances/wives. I tried talking with Ben about this again and he said that we see reality on different levels. Here are a couple emails that he sent me:

It doesn't seem like you love ME. I feel like you just won't accept the personality I've developed since I've discovered my psyche, you continue to compare me to myself in the past; a mindless emotional drone who just wanted to be loved. In a way it feels like you're just forcing that image. You seem to have a very black and white definition of what a relationship entails, I find such a bastardization of love insulting to what a bond between human beings can really be. I'm sorry if your old boyfriends were typical romanticists that played the exchange game, but that isn't who I am. To me love is something outside of all of those desires. If being outside of that makes me a friend then lol, in your reality I guess I am a friend.

Then he went on a tangent about how it's all in my head. He didn't address any of my concerns. I'm so upset about this. He used to be such a great person and now he's just...a stranger.

[girl68]

And still you refuse to see the truth that just smacked you in the face. It's over, in fact it was over a long, long time ago.

And in a sense he's right... you have attempted to force something on him. He's simply not the type of lover you want and need. And you are far too needy for him. So you BOTH should have the balls to call it as it is: OVER.

[duran_ii]

I agree. He's dead set in his ways. You said you don't like it. I had the same problem with my ex gf. I was just like you, I was the affectionate, thoughtful one. I always showed her affection and loved kissing her all the time and giving small gifts. She was the one that didn't want to "show it." Eventually, it strained the relationship so much, that it reached a breaking point.

You can't fit a square peg in a round hole. And yes, there are plenty of good guys out there that think on your level in terms of showing affection and such. You were thinking of Greg because he had certain qualities that Ben didn't have, even if Greg ultimately isn't right for you. It's just that void was being filled, that's all.

Honestly, you really need to do some soul searching. You need to sit down and ultimately answer this question, "Do I want to spend the rest of my life with Ben?" You can't change people unless they want to change. He sounds like he isn't going to change. If the answer to your question is no, then the choice is clear, you need to leave. If it's "yes" then you need to change your approach with him.

If you REALLY want to be with Ben, despite everything, then use reverse psychology and see how he reacts. Don't have sex with him, don't show him any affection and just be downright cold, but not vindictive. See how he reacts. It may be that he's just simply taken you for granted. Basically, just give him a taste of his own medicine. If he asks what's going on, give him the same justifications as he gave you. That'll reveal whether he's a hypocrite or not.

[chly28]

I think you are using greg as a life floatie.....If you take a step back and think.....Ben tried to tell u in his email that everyone changes at different stages of their life. I don't think u accepted his change and supported him for who he was.....You didnt want to let go of that change and tried to control him to the situation and used comparisons to restrain him...If you can't even love naturally and freely its better to let go....but maybe u are scared of being alone...sometimes being alone is way more awesome then getting stuck in a relationship.......Greg on the other hand,,,,he's new...fresh to you at the moment...honeymoon stage...everything is lovely.....but take one step back...gambling problem has yet not arised but wait until it grows out of proportion.....When money is tight I think problems will arise...U will want to try and control him and maybe then u will be posting for advice? I would say better to focus on ur work.....focus on yourself...what do you really want from life? Is it really important to be in a relationship even with or going to be with the wrong one? What is the definition of wrong for you?Think...and sort...u have alot of sorting out to do....