Two guys like me...what should I do?

[fod999]

I'm going crazy trying to decide what to do "Ben" is my current boyfriend of about two years. We've had some rough patches but I always thought that we would be together forever. Then "Greg" entered the picture. We work together which is going to make things weird no matter what happens. I made a list of their positive and negative traits to try to decide who would be better for me but it hasn't helped. Can anyone offer advice or share similar situations? I'm afraid of leaving Ben, but the way that I feel around Greg is something that I haven't felt in a LONG time. I actually blush when he talks to me..lol I get butterflies when he walks by. But I don't want to hurt Ben and I don't know what to do x_x The thought of being away from him (Ben) makes me sick.

FYI I am 20, Ben is 21 and Greg is 27. Here are the lists if anyone is interested:

"Ben" +
-Intelligent.
-Thinks outside the box.
-Quiet.
-Doesn't drink or go to bars.
-Similar interests: smoking and going for drives.
-Says sweet words.
-Extremely supportive in everything that I do - moreso than most of my family members.
-We can read each others' minds; he knows what's bothering me before I say a word and vice versa.
-We have conversations that I just don't have with other people. Life seems more real when I'm with him.
-I'm his first real girlfriend so I could just be kind of hard on him.

"Ben" -
-Immature (He might be autistic though)
-Pessimistic
-Doesn't take the lead or plan anything.
-He will be in college for 5 more years to dual major and I don't know if I can wait around in this area for that long. I grew up here and am ready to explore, travel, see the world...but he doesn't want to do anything until he's finished with school.
-Very, very into sex. Sometimes I worry that's all he's interested in from me, although he adamantly denies that that's the case.
-Cries and changes the subject or gets mad at me when we try to have serious conversations.
-Says he has all of these ideas for things we can do together but he never follows through on them.
-I feel like i have to take care of him and am obliged to stay with him. Similar to a mother/child. I don't want to abandon him so I feel like I couldn't leave him even if I wanted to. I feel bad being away from him which leads to us spending way too much time together and not having enough time for our own interests. If I say I want time to myself he thinks I'm cheating or something, so I've grown accustomed to just not having time for myself which drives me crazy and makes me really irritable.
-Used(?) to lie to me a lot, supposedly to not hurt my feelings.
-Likes to turn things into a debate, why he's right and I'm wrong.
-Works in fast food.

"Greg" +
-Thoughtful. Within a couple of weeks of meeting me, he brought in candy for everyone at work (but texted me beforehand to see what I specifically wanted), bought me a sims 3 mousepad for my workstation because he saw it at a store and it reminded him of me (I'm obsessed with that game lol), and offered numerous times to pay for things for me.
-Funny and incredibly fun to be around.
-Very action oriented, backs up his words. We'll talk about doing something and then 5 minutes later he'll send me an e-mail with the specifics.
-Likes kids.
-Similar interests: traveling and movies
-Friendly. He can strike up conversation with anyone.
-Has a good job in finances.

"Greg" -
-He goes out drinking quite a bit.
-Gambles. Although, he has a decent amount of money so losses don't really hurt him that much.
-Loud.
-(Too?) social. I'm an introverted person and I can't stand being around groups of people for more than a few hours. I'm not sure if this would cause problems for us.
-I don't really know him that well. We text and email outside of work (which I know is borderline cheating...that's why I need to make up my mind FAST!) and used to hang out (completely platonic), but I felt bad doing that because of Ben. I still don't know that much about Greg overall, though.
-He's really into watching sports which I am not at ALL, but that's hardly a dealbreaker.
-We work together! Apparently co-workers have already been talking with Greg about all of this. Thankfully it's a small organization. The CEO goes out drinking with everyone on weekends and they're all really good friends. So professionally it shouldn't impact either of us but the idea that there are rumors floating around really annoys me. That's why I can't stand a lot of people, they can't mind their own business x_x

I wish I could combine the two of them to make one super awesome man but until that technology is invented..I'm stuck. Can anyone offer any advice or different perspectives? I would really, really appreciate it

[vashti]

It sounds like you have maybe outgrown Ben, but Greg is still a bad idea. Dating coworkers is a recipe for disaster (unless you are willing to find a new job if things go bad, which given your age, is likely), plus I don't ever think it's a good idea to date heavy drinkers/gamblers.

[fod999]

It sounds like you have maybe outgrown Ben, but Greg is still a bad idea. Dating coworkers is a recipe for disaster (unless you are willing to find a new job if things go bad, which given your age, is likely), plus I don't ever think it's a good idea to date heavy drinkers/gamblers.

Yeah, the fact that we work together is kind of bothersome. I'm thinking of finding a new job soon because this place is kind of clique-y and I'm not really that kind of person. But we'll see. The drinking does bother me a bit, but I have my own bad habits and don't want to be too harsh on his. However, it is nice that with Ben I never have to worry about that in the first place.

Thanks for the advice

[Agape]

Don't go for Greg, he seems pretty different than your lifestyle. . . drinks, gambles, loud, social . . . I don't know if it would work

edit: As for Ben, it's not working . . .hey if it was you wouldn't be in this situation.

[WICKED THOUGHTS]

Find a different job as soon as possible girl! If you dont? You and Greg will collide and fireworks will xplode. Then.. after that reality will sink in Disasater with ur bf and your work gl

[girl68]

Dump ben and leave greg alone.

greg would only be your backup because you're scared of being alone. you can't be good to greg because there's no possible way you'd get over ben before hooking up with greg.

[all alone]

It sounds like you have maybe outgrown Ben, but Greg is still a bad idea. Dating coworkers is a recipe for disaster (unless you are willing to find a new job if things go bad, which given your age, is likely), plus I don't ever think it's a good idea to date heavy drinkers/gamblers.

I'll give a +1 here.. doesn't sound like your relationship with Ben is not healthy, lot of issues which are not being addressed. As for Greg, I think the above hits the nail on the head.

[MerryH]

Dump ben and leave greg alone.

Yeah, I have to agree with this. Dump Ben for the sole reason that you're strongly considering someone else. You've already checked out of that relationship, and it's not fair to Ben to keep him around in case something else doesn't pan out.

Greg...well, I always wonder what someone so much older would see in a 20 year old (no offense - I'm sure you're lovely.) If it were a 37 year old and a 30 year old, not much difference, but 20 and 27 is pretty significant, in my opinion. Just makes me wonder what's wrong with him. The positive attributes you list for Greg aren't that convincing. Lots of people are fun, friendly, interested in movies and travel, etc.

[fod999]

Dump ben and leave greg alone.

greg would only be your backup because you're scared of being alone. you can't be good to greg because there's no possible way you'd get over ben before hooking up with greg.

I've tried breaking up with Ben a few times but I always end up going back. I just can't imagine my life without him but at the same time, he drives me crazy with the way that he acts toward me sometimes. He doesn't see the point in doing nice things for each other and that really, really hurts me because I go so far out of my way for him but he refuses to do anything in return. He never plans anything or takes the initiative to do ANYTHING (besides sex) in our relationship. It makes me wonder if he even wants me around anymore. When I ask him he says he would do anything for me, etc, etc, but he doesn't. Am I being played?

I didn't think about that, but you're right. Greg would just be a backup and that's not very fair.

Yeah, I have to agree with this. Dump Ben for the sole reason that you're strongly considering someone else. You've already checked out of that relationship, and it's not fair to Ben to keep him around in case something else doesn't pan out.

Greg...well, I always wonder what someone so much older would see in a 20 year old (no offense - I'm sure you're lovely.) If it were a 37 year old and a 30 year old, not much difference, but 20 and 27 is pretty significant, in my opinion. Just makes me wonder what's wrong with him. The positive attributes you list for Greg aren't that convincing. Lots of people are fun, friendly, interested in movies and travel, etc.

Yeah, I've been wondering about that as well. I know that he was going through some issues with his ex-fiancee so maybe he's just desperate for a new relationship? I'm really not sure. I also wonder if I'm really seeing the whole picture as far as Greg is concerned.

[girl68]

I've tried breaking up with Ben a few times but I always end up going back. I just can't imagine my life without him but at the same time, he drives me crazy with the way that he acts toward me sometimes. He doesn't see the point in doing nice things for each other and that really, really hurts me because I go so far out of my way for him but he refuses to do anything in return. He never plans anything or takes the initiative to do ANYTHING (besides sex) in our relationship. It makes me wonder if he even wants me around anymore. When I ask him he says he would do anything for me, etc, etc, but he doesn't. Am I being played?

I didn't think about that, but you're right. Greg would just be a backup and that's not very fair.

Then your break up attempts to date have been pathetic. You haven't REALLY tried. You haven't done no contact you haven't had your friends help you, you haven't stuck to your guns about your orgininal decision to leave Ben- which you know deep down is the right one.

You're been played in the sense Ben knows whatever you say is a crock of shit. Why? Because you don't stick to your guns. You biring up a problem he changes but temporarily only and soon resorts back to his old ways, once this happens you "break up" and come running back so basically this tells him- I hate that you do this, that, and that but it's okay keep doing it I'll stick around anyways.

[duran_ii]

I advise you and Ben to have a serious discussion about your issues. If he doesn't want to listen or cooperate, then put your foot down. Honestly, as I read the pros and cons of Ben, you seem to contradict yourself. How can he be extremely supportive of you and be able to read your thoughts and what's bothering you, yet doesn't want to engage in serious conversations? You really need to think that list through again, in my opinion.

Your list of cons about Ben is more extensive because you've been with him longer. Spend more time with Greg, and I'm sure you'd find more faults with him. The heavy drinking and gambling is a BIG red flag. Think back to the first time you met and hooked up with Ben, I'm sure the pro's of being with him were probably very similar to what you're putting down for Greg (funny, sweet, etc.). We all think our new bf/gf is funny and sweet. Then reality sets in. Don't fool yourself. My recent ex gf thought I was the sweetest and funniest person she had met. Towards the end of our relationship, she hardly had that opinion of me, even though I was still pretty much the same. We all love the feeling of something "new"

You said it yourself, you can't imagine yourself without Ben. You'll only end up hurting Greg in the end. Or, he'll end up hurting you, and you'll be left without the both of them.

[Agape]

I've tried breaking up with Ben a few times but I always end up going back. I just can't imagine my life without him but at the same time, he drives me crazy with the way that he acts toward me sometimes. He doesn't see the point in doing nice things for each other and that really, really hurts me because I go so far out of my way for him but he refuses to do anything in return. He never plans anything or takes the initiative to do ANYTHING (besides sex) in our relationship. It makes me wonder if he even wants me around anymore. When I ask him he says he would do anything for me, etc, etc, but he doesn't. Am I being played?

I don't get it, what does Ben have to offer you? . . . this relationship seems totally one-sided, love someone who loves you back and gives you what you deserve

Also he doesn't take initiative for anything other than sex . . . sounds like he's just using you

[fod999]

Then your break up attempts to date have been pathetic. You haven't REALLY tried. You haven't done no contact you haven't had your friends help you, you haven't stuck to your guns about your orgininal decision to leave Ben- which you know deep down is the right one.

You're been played in the sense Ben knows whatever you say is a crock of shit. Why? Because you don't stick to your guns. You biring up a problem he changes but temporarily only and soon resorts back to his old ways, once this happens you "break up" and come running back so basically this tells him- I hate that you do this, that, and that but it's okay keep doing it I'll stick around anyways.

Ouch, harsh. But I guess I deserved that. I do have a hard time when it comes to him because he's the only person who has been in my life the past couple of years. My family isn't supportive and consider me more of a burden than anything and I don't have friends. So I'm afraid to cut off the only person who I thought cared about me. Although it does feel much worse when we hang out and I feel unwanted. But maybe I'm just being paranoid? When I bring this stuff up, he says that he loves me and if I can't see that then I must not know him, etc. But the fact that he gets angry when I bring this up really doesn't sit well with me.

I advise you and Ben to have a serious discussion about your issues. If he doesn't want to listen or cooperate, then put your foot down. Honestly, as I read the pros and cons of Ben, you seem to contradict yourself. How can he be extremely supportive of you and be able to read your thoughts and what's bothering you, yet doesn't want to engage in serious conversations? You really need to think that list through again, in my opinion.

Your list of cons about Ben is more extensive because you've been with him longer. Spend more time with Greg, and I'm sure you'd find more faults with him. The heavy drinking and gambling is a BIG red flag. Think back to the first time you met and hooked up with Ben, I'm sure the pro's of being with him were probably very similar to what you're putting down for Greg (funny, sweet, etc.). We all think our new bf/gf is funny and sweet. Then reality sets in. Don't fool yourself. My recent ex gf thought I was the sweetest and funniest person she had met. Towards the end of our relationship, she hardly had that opinion of me, even though I was still pretty much the same. We all love the feeling of something "new"

You said it yourself, you can't imagine yourself without Ben. You'll only end up hurting Greg in the end. Or, he'll end up hurting you, and you'll be left without the both of them.

I've tried having conversations with Ben about this but it always ends with him calling me selfish. With his words he's incredibly thoughtful and kind. It's just that there aren't any actions to back them up. No affection, cuddling, etc from his end. I try to think of him when I'm out and get him little presents, come up with ideas for things for us to do together, but he doesn't do any of that. Maybe I am just selfish because in my past relationships I've been given gifts, taken out, etc so I kind of expect it now. But he used to do that kind of stuff all the time and then just stopped. So it's not so much that I want 'stuff', but that I question his real feelings toward me since he doesn't act the way that he used to.

Yeah, I think that no matter what I should probably stay away from Greg for the time being. Thanks for the advice

I don't get it, what does Ben have to offer you? . . . this relationship seems totally one-sided, love someone who loves you back and gives you what you deserve

Also he doesn't take initiative for anything other than sex . . . sounds like he's just using you

Well, like I said above, he is my only companion. I don't have anyone else in my life except co-workers because I am rather shy and introverted. So I'm extremely reluctant to give everything up which is why I was so confused about all of this to begin with. I'm not sure if I'm being too hard on Ben because Greg was being kind toward me, or if Greg is genuinely a good person. I'm so confused.

Thank you for all of the advice, it's making me think a lot about the situation and it's great to hear different perspectives.

[girl68]

So you have a bf who says he loves you but doesn't show it? How nice. Dream maybe for a day you find a guy who loves you so much he can't for the life of him hide it. I have a guy just like that. I tell him precicesly what makes me feel most loved, he obliges because he desires to make me feel so totally loved.

Your guy on the other hand is comfortable, too comfortable. Basically until you come to terms with yourself and becoming a woman ON YOUR OWN and you will be able to break up no problem. If you want to be mature, act mature- make friends so you have some sort of support system.

And I'm not trying to be harsh I 'm trying to make you see your LIFE.

[fod999]

So you have a bf who says he loves you but doesn't show it? How nice. Dream maybe for a day you find a guy who loves you so much he can't for the life of him hide it. I have a guy just like that. I tell him precicesly what makes me feel most loved, he obliges because he desires to make me feel so totally loved.

Your guy on the other hand is comfortable, too comfortable. Basically until you come to terms with yourself and becoming a woman ON YOUR OWN and you will be able to break up no problem. If you want to be mature, act mature- make friends so you have some sort of support system.

And I'm not trying to be harsh I 'm trying to make you see your LIFE.

You don't think that's expecting too much from him? I just don't want to have unrealistic expectations and then end up hurting him because of my selfishness. That's why I was so torn up over the Ben/Greg decision to begin with, it's like I need to choose between my or his happiness and it's a really hard call to make. (Although I will reiterate that even if we do break up, I won't go out with Greg, at least not until I'm over Ben entirely and have some time to myself)