Sometimes I feel I am in love. Sometimes it is not important at all. But I like him so much and the thought of his voice and words make me feel secure. He is my friend's doctor (officially single) and we share a formal relatiopnship so to say.
The last few times we talked about HER he lowered his voice so much that I could not even hear him. He has called me thrice in returning my calls. And it sounded really romantic and my intoxicated brain viewed it with traces of hidden attraction. It says, "he likes you girl but is controlling his affections because there is no chance for him. You have been taken!" Yet, there are no visible signs other than his readiness to be there for you and your head that says there is something shielded behind his curious searching eyes. Once it happened that I was looking for him and started walking away as I couldn't find him. After taking a few steps, I felt something and turned back to see him standing there looking at me, uncertain whether to call me or not. I was stumped!
The thought that I won't see him again makes me a little restless though I am well in touch with reality. I am already in a good relationship which he is aware of and perhaps with a person more eligible, loving and caring than him. But my mind is such a restive horse which wants the guy to hold me, kiss me and what Not!! I feel so connected with him. Its so shameful.
I want the reigns of my thoughts. I hate them for being so bold and merciless. Its so shameful as sometimes you feel that "No, he hasn't got anything for you. Its all your imagination and you are despicable. He will not even think about you or miss you when you've gone. He cares nothing more than your being just another woman he comes across." But the way he smiles when we meet alone. He wouldn't if I am with someone??!! He touches the tips of his nose, his texts and his talks have an affort of humour, and his is so nice and caring about me that I am confused. Yeah, we text each other (his personal number) and he always replies immediately and has asked me to call him for any help (of course medical) without worrying about disturbing him. He did tell me that I don't have to appologize nor show extreme gratitude. He also asked me if at all he has failed in replying to any of my questions.
His eyes become wide at seeing me, full eye contact, smiles, he also looks at my ears, lips and cheeks while talking. But there hasn't been any step from him that makes me feel he is interested. How do I know why he is being so nice to me? Is he genuinely being friendly?
I can't push him away from my mind because it says he like me. He has become so much a part of my dreams. I somehow feel that in a few years time I will meet him and we will be united. How do I stop thinking about him? It hurts so much to be away from him. But I don't want to end up a fool by showering so much affection for him and to find that he is already committed and all this has been an illusion.
Would you really help someone unconditionally when she has nothing to offer you without having any feelings for her? Or is he really fond of me?
Then why this game of being so close and still be so distant?
I know no friend of his or family to find out.
Whoever reads this please comment. Yes, if I know for sure that he likes me I won't cheat my partner.