Relationship Troubles

[dazedandconfuse]

Hello. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 11 months now. It has been going well, except for the past month or so.

I am a college student and consider myself to be a hardworking, ambitious individual. My boyfriend on the other hand does not go to school and does not have a job. I have tried to encourage him to go to community college or some type of school, but he has not made any effort to do so. He told me that he doesn't think he needs a college degree for what he wants to do (which is not true at all, epescially if you want to be successful in this economy). He also often complains about his living situation, yet he has not made an effort to get a job in order to move out. This did not bother me initially since I thought maybe it was just a phase, but it has been almost a year and no changes have been made.

Another problem is that he can be very negative. He tends to speak his mind if he doesn't like something or thinks something is not how he thinks it should be. This does not bother me, in fact, I somewhat admire the ability to speak your mind. However, he does not know when not to do so and has said things that have really hurt me. Being a typical female, I did not tell him. I know I should have, but I have a hard time confronting people.

I am unsure if I want to end the relationship. I still love him, but am having a hard time with the above problems. I hate to think this, but I figure if these things are present now, then they are most likely going to stay. He tells me that I am the best thing to happen to him, and he wants to marry me one day. I did too, but I do not know if these issues can last in a relationship. I would feel absolutely horrible for breaking up with him, but I realize I have to take care of myself. Also, he has told me that after past break-ups, he tends to drink excessively. This worries me more than anything, especially since our realtionship is long distance.

I am completely lost on what to do and am afraid of both outcomes...and that is why I am here! I figured some somewhat unbiased advice would help me out tremendously. I appreciate it!

[twinrexes]

Sorry but this one is not a keeper.

Why do you want a guy who doesn't want to find a job, doesn't want to go to school, and still lives at home?

And he's long distance too? Long distance relationships are very comfortable for guys who have a hard time making close connections with a live, warm-blooded person. They typically fear commitment. Heck, this guy can't even commit to a job and making plans for his own future, let alone a future that has you in it.

Also ask yourself why you want a long distance relationship? You're in school and around guys your own age who are willing to improve themselves and I'm sure there are more than a few who would not be so negative and would not have a tendency to drink heavily when things go wrong.

Sounds like you have some insecurities yourself which are very common such as not being able to face conflict and speak up for yourself. And possibly you also have trouble getting close? (Why else would you stick with the long distance guy, who is a safe bet if you like your space).

Water seeks it's own level, so if you choose someone who is troubled I'm guessing you have some troubles of your own you could be working on. As long as you keep choosing guys who are "projects", you're going to keep having problems with your relationships (ask me how I know, lol). The quality of guy you choose says a lot about what you think about yourself. Forget about him for a minute because I think this is really about you. Can you answer the question for yourself of why a forward-thinking, ambitious young woman would align herself with a guy who has no concern for his future?

[dazedandconfuse]

Honestly, I can't think of a good enough reason why I would put myself with someone with no ambition. Thank you so much for your advice! I don't know why it took me 11 months to realize what you said...but everything you said is 100% true. I know I am afraid of getting close to people because I am terrified of marriage after my parents divoriced. I also have a hard time trusting people. I think what I need is to have a break from relatiosnhips and work on myself for a while. Thank you again! Now the hard part is the breakup...I have to be careful because I don't want him to hurt himself. Should I do it in person or over the phone? If I do it in person it has to wait three weeks after I get back from school....

[BrownDog52469]

People do not change. Are you going to be satisfied in a relationship where you are supporting him? I've watched a friend go through this same problem. Honestly, I see the lazy partner as being very selfish by not working to support his end of the relationship. If someone loves you, they will work hard to care for you.