Am I being a jerk worrying about an "ex" relationship?

[damn2010]

At 37 and seeing a MARRIED guy?

That says it all about her morals and ethics right there.

[devonbrown]

I agree with the person who mentioned emotional affairs. Even without any physical connection, it is still possible to cheat. And that appears to be what is happening here. So, to answer your question if you are being a jerk worrying about this, the answer is no you are not being a jerk. All of the actions point towards her cheating on you emotionally at least.

[reeba]

You know, just because someone is 'open' doesn't mean what they are doing is right.

I believe you can be friends with an ex, but you shouldn't remain friends with an ex if the relationship was wrong to begin with - ie they were abusive, they cheated, they were married . Staying in contact with an ex is a risky game to begin with. Often there is break up sex or you are hoping to get back together again, and it is hard to move on when you can't let go of your past relationships.

What are your friends saying? I find that a lot of people come onto this site hoping we will contradict the advice their friends (who really know the situation) are saying, which is 'you deserve better'.

[wellami]

Hi all,

Well, first off thanks to everyone for their responses so far. It's been interesting, and invaluable, to read them. If I wasn't quite so embroiled in the current situation I'd say there are some fascinating conversations to be had around emotional affairs and friendships with your ex. There are a few things I should just quickly respond to.

twinrexes: yep, I'm in total agreement. The first big fight we have I'm pretty sure where she'll go. At this rate, the first big fight will actually be about him. I'm sure that proves the universe has a sense of irony, if not a sense of humour.

girl68: Thank you. That's a subtle difference about loving or being IN love.

doppelgaenger: I know exactly where you are coming from, but I'd say I feel less like a rebound and sometimes more like an excuse. I honestly believe her feelings for this guy were so strong that, despite being miserable about not being part of his life, she still couldn't end it. For 5 years. Despite other concurrent relationships. That seems an astonishing length of time to me to have an affair. That she needed to be backed into a corner to end it, now that I've had a long time to think about, just spells disaster to me. It doesn't help that they've tried to break up and stay friends several times and it has never worked.

reeba: That's an interesting point. I imagine many people do exactly what you've said and hope that the advice will contradict their friends. However, in this case, I haven't spoken to my friends. I really don't like the fact that my girlfriend had an affair. I object to it on every moral ground I can think of. But I didn't know about it when we met, and my feelings for her were already extremely strong by the time I did. I've done some stupid things in my life (I'm sure most of us have!) and have tried to move on from them, and as a result I try not to let anyone's history interfere with what I think. Everybody is entitled to a second chance. But I know many of my friends wouldn't see things that way, especially since several were victims of affairs. I don't want to prejudice them if this is someone I eventually marry and live with. I can't think of a way of talking to them about it without explaining all of the background. I think the problem I'm having is that when I've made mistakes I try to acknowledge them and correct them, and reassure anyone I'm with in every way I can that I will not repeat the mistake. That they are trying to carry on like this just says to me that neither of them actually thinks anything they have done, or are doing, is wrong.

The thing is (and I know I'm likely to say this, but I believe it to be true) I do think she loves me. And I know I love her. We have an amazing time when we are together. But it seems clear at the moment that she is still also in love (thanks again girl68!) with someone else, that he is always going to be there and that she is never actually going to really open up and talk about this. We tried again this weekend but it was a disaster. She hid behind an excuse of "we just met to go over some expenses". Although she hasn't worked directly for him for a while, she used to be his PA. She carried on doing his expenses once they stopped working together. I think those expenses have always been nothing more than a handy excuse in case whatever boyfriend she was with at the time, his wife or some work colleague saw them together. And that feels like what they are now. I don't think you have to drive out to a romantic little pub that was somewhere you used to meet when you were "together" for two hours and then hide it from both their partners just to discuss some expenses. Twice, in 7 days. Especially when 3 months ago she told me she was no longer doing them.

This weekend really sealed things for me. We couldn't really talk about it, despite her actually texting me Friday before I travelled to see her saying that we needed to. We were with her mum and dad at the weekend and all of a sudden they started talking about her "friend" and asking if he was still being helpful to her at work. They don't know the history, and perhaps this is stupid but that was, I think, the straw that broke this particular camel's back. It's bad enough this stuff is hanging around between us without the family bringing it up as well.

After much soul searching this weekend (and several sleepless nights) I reached a decision. I hate being this kind of guy, but I just decided in the end the only choice I had was an ultimatum. I've told her that, unless she is ready to talk, fully and openly about this situation so we can try and get it resolved, I don't want her to come up again and I won't be going to see her. Rightly or wrongly I'm simply not ready to accept him under these conditions. In fact now that it has gone this far, I'm not sure I'm ready to accept him full stop but I kind of feel if I'd got to the "him or me" stage then the relationship is dead anyway, as then it will always be my fault they aren't together and it'll end up getting thrown back at me at some point. And I suppose I'm not 100% positive I'd win that particular challenge anyway.

I have a feeling she is wanting the best of two worlds. Although it might sound strange, we have a good relationship outside of this one point. I represent the stable guy she can love openly and present to her parents and talk about to her friends. He represents the excitement of sneaking around and illicit love and she gets many of the exciting bits of their relationships that she liked whilst replacing all the things she hated with me. If nothing happens physically then why not? Perhaps I'm being unfair, but I can't help that is how I feel. And I think everyone who has mentioned emotional affairs would agree that this isn't OK.

So, I guess I now just wait. Either she'll respond and we can somehow get over this, or she won't. In which case it's over. I've tried to be patient and understanding and give her time to get over her feelings - I know it's difficult when you split with someone - but it just doesn't seem to be happening. After 9 months we seem to be almost back at square one.

Thanks again so much for all your replies.

[meshulam]

i think it's good for you, she need to make up her mind.

good luck.