Am I being a jerk worrying about an "ex" relationship?

[wellami]

So, I hope the title says it all really. I'm wondering if I'm being a jerk. This is driving me a little bit crazy and I really need an indpendent view.

I'm sorry if this is lengthy, but you need the full story. I'm a 38 year old male, and 9 months ago I met a 37 year old woman whom I love to bits. I'm thinking marriage. I was in a previous long term relationship but that ended 3 years ago and it took me a while to be comfortable with dating again. When I met this woman she was the first person I'd dated that I felt a kind of instant connection with.

I've had a very limited sex life but she was honest right from the start that she has had a number of partners in her life, both casual and serious, and both sexes, and some of those ex-partners are still around as friends. She is also divorced. I don't have a problem with this in general. At our age you expect some history! However, in one case I'm very, very uncertain where I stand. It soon became clear that she had been seeing a married guy (her old boss) for 5 years, concurrent with (I think) most of the boyfriends and partners she has had. She has described this person as her best friend. She was still seeing him when we first met, even though she was actually also in another relationship with a boyfriend when we first met (which I didn't know at the time).

She promises me - and I fully believe her - that she broke off the physical side of things as soon as we met. However, since then the situation seems a lot cloudier to me. We live apart - 130 miles or so - and only see each other at weekends. Through the summer she has continued to see this man and whenever possible - without telling an outright lie - has avoided telling me. They are still texting I would say 3-4 times a day. She got very angry with him a few weeks ago because she thought he had found another woman to have an affair with. This smacks to me, perhaps wrongly, of jealousy from feelings that she still has for him. She ended up saying she realised that she was trying to have the best of both worlds by keeping him and me in her life and she would have no contact with him outside of work. Last week I asked her what she was doing with her day off. And got no response. None at all. It turned out she was meeting up with him, in one of "their" places that all couples have. She is meeting him again this week but still won't admit it to me.

I don't know the full story of her background but I believe she has been badly hurt, that this man has been there for her and I believe she loved this man more deeply than any other relationship she has had. He is the only one of her exes who I think she still keeps (and reads) all the letters and bits and pieces he sent her. I think she still has very strong feelings for him, even if they are no longer physically involved. I've told her a few times I'm uncomfortable with the relationship but I could accept it if I understood some boundaries and felt it was in the open. I've never asked her to stop seeing him, and never would. Yet they still seem to be treating it like an affair, keeping it all as secret as possible. And she won't talk to me about it other than to say "it's over". She was unemployed over the summer and unhappy (I would say depressed) but she now has a job, back working in the same environment with this married man where they previously had their affair. She also stated some time ago that they would never meet anywhere else than in public as nothing else would be appropriate, but I'm relatively certain (but not positive) he has been round to her flat.

Now to be clear, I trust her entirely on the physical side. I don't believe she has ever lied to me. But I'm feeling a bit like a third leg on a tripod. I don't trust him at all, and since she broke it off I think he would take her back in a shot. I suspect from texts I have seen that he is suggestive and flirty in his communication with her and I don't know, considering what they've found appropriate behaviour in the past, what they would consider appropriate now. And being 130 miles away and only seeing her maybe every two weeks at the minute, it's easy for my mind to go a bit wild. Each time I try to talk to her about this I just get silence.

What I need to know is am I being a jerk being worried about this? Does this sound like just a healthy friendship that I'm blowing out of all proportion? It seems much more difficult to deal with this situation than just out-and-out cheating. Has anybody else been in a situation like this? What did you do?

If you made it this far, thanks for reading! Here's hoping for some good advice. It's seriously needed.

[Boisdevie]

If you trust her then you trust her. Whatever anyone else does\says counts for nothing if you trust her. Perhaps you guys need to talk. 130 miles is not that far - can't you see her more often?

[wellami]

Thanks for the fast response! 130 miles is not that far, but it's also not the kind of distance you can just "pop round" on a night when things have been a bit shakey between you. It's still a 3 hour drive. Due to work commitments etc. it is difficult to see each other more regularly. I do trust her, in so far as I don't think she would get physically involved with this person again. But I'm struggling with the emotional side. It feels like she loves both him and me and I'm not really sure how to deal with that. We most certainly do need to talk. And I've tried and tried. But when I can't even get an answer to the question "how are you going to use your day of leisure" on her last day off, I think you can maybe see how tricky it is to get that far. And since as far as I was aware she was having no further contact with this man, that wasn't a suspicious question trying to trap her. To me that's just the sort of general conversation you have with your partner. When I keep asking her to talk it makes me feel like I'm constantly pushing on this and getting nowhere, hence my question as to whether I'm being a jerk for even worrying about it.

[Boisdevie]

If she loves you and him then she needs to decide

[girl68]

I'd like to know how you know all this stuff? Are you snooping because I'll tell you right now snooping equates to NO TRUST.

[girl68]

Her history also proves that she has previously been unfaitful several times. She does not know boundries in relationships and I suspect that's half the reason she's where she is in her life. She can't figure out how to have a faithful lasting relationship- I don't think she WANTS to.

[wellami]

Hi Girl68,

I agree with you entirely on your first point - snooping is no trust. I'm not snooping. I know about her past straight from her: as I said she has been very open about that. I know about the letters because we were watching a comedian who made a joke about "letters you have to keep but are painful to read". She was tipsy from too much wine and said sadly "yes I know all about that". I said (jokingly) I bet you've got loads of those and she said "only from xxxx". The text I saw was simply where she left the phone on the sofa next to me and when a text arrived it's natural to look at something lighting up and vibrating and the text was shown in full on the screen. It was an accidental view, but said "Fab to see you. If you'd spilt on that top I would have liked to wipe it off. xx". That's how I know they met, and I find that sort of comment stepping over the mark. I've no idea if she does - I don't know what she responded and haven't looked to see. Everything else has come from similar encounters or chance observations. If I was at the stage where I was snooping I would have already left. If I couldn't trust her that much then the relationship is a no-go anyway.

[Frankston]

I think you deserve better.

[devonbrown]

Basically talk to her and tell her your concerns. Have a heart-to-heart with her. You will not be able to go forward unless you are satisfied with her answers.

[girl68]

She has proven on multiple occasions she isn't willing to give this guy up- ever. Are you prepared to live with that?

[reeba]

You said........"What I need to know is am I being a jerk being worried about this? Does this sound like just a healthy friendship that I'm blowing out of all proportion? It seems much more difficult to deal with this situation than just out-and-out cheating. Has anybody else been in a situation like this? What did you do?"

If you trusted her, then why are you posting this? All I'm going to say is 'old habits are hard to break' and she has a dousy of a habit. So no, I wouldn't trust her.

[wellami]

Hi Reeba,

Thanks for the response. I have to admit the "old habits die hard" line is one I've thought of. The thing is, when I say I trust her, what I mean is physically. I do not honestly believe she would physically cheat on me. i.e. I truly believe they have stopped having sex and that will not happen again as long as we are together.

But I do belive that she still loves him, and he still loves her. That's what I'm finding really hard to deal with. Is it fair to expect that I'm the only person she loves? As humans we have a capacity to love several people at the same time. We do it all the time. Provided it goes no further than daily texts and a few meetings is that OK? Having done a lot of thinking over the past few days - even just putting my thoughts in order to post here helped - the answer to that, for me, is obviously no otherwise I wouldn't be here. That is the core really of my wondering if I'm the one with a problem. If they can enjoy a friendship, even a love, that goes no further than their heads am I right to say that's not on? Or is she being unfair to expect me to accept another man on that basis, particularly a married man (I have a real problem with people who have affairs).

I'm not sure if I'm just getting wound up in jealousy, projecting my expectations of a friendship onto her unfairly, or if I'm justified in thinking this should stop, or at least reduce. Am I fair thinking his game is to keep his foot in the door and keep pushing to get her back, or can two people have this kind of history and just be friends? Has anyone else left lovers and kept this level of relationship going, safely and without impact on their other relationships?

I know the answer ultimately is to talk, and I'm going to do that this weekend. It's going to be very difficult as she is very closed down when it comes to talking, but it is the only way forward. I guess I'm just hoping to get some independent views before hand to make sure the conversation is balanced.

I guess James Morrison was right - love is hard!

[twinrexes]

"Am I fair thinking his game is to keep his foot in the door and keep pushing to get her back, or can two people have this kind of history and just be friends? Has anyone else left lovers and kept this level of relationship going, safely and without impact on their other relationships?"

That's exactly what his game is.

Since when is it not cheating as long as there's no sex? She's still having an emotional affair with this guy. And no, two people with this kind of history can't just be friends. Friends don't say they'd like to paw each other (ie, wipe the spill off her shirt).

This won't go away as long as your position is that you're cool with it. And the first big fight you two have, guess whose arms she's going to run to?

If I were you, I'd ask her to make a choice. If she can't, break up with her. No contact for a couple of weeks so she can really think about her choices. Do NOT agree to get back together if she's still not answering questions about him. End of story.

[girl68]

You asked if we can love more than 1 person at a time? Yes, I love my mom, my dad, my brothers, my family, my friends. However I am IN love with one person and one person only. Your girl is IN love with him, and possibly not IN love with you. No it's not unreasonable to want to be the only one she truly loves.

By my definition she is most certainly having an affair. An emotional affair. And so far you have done nothing but accepted it.

[doppelgaenger]

It sounds like you're getting used as a rebound. You obviously feel like a rebound. Why don't you tell her that? "You're so obsessed with your ex, my ass is getting sore from sitting on the sidelines. Know what I mean?" I personally wouldn't care if she kept photos or letters, but if she always talked about him or brought him up in conversation (like she's doing by being "open") I'd really get irritated. I'd probably interrupt her and ask, "Hey, do you ever stop thinking about that asshole?"