" best friends " .. better watch out ladies

[MynameisJesus]

This is actually not a question, just a trend that I see and I wanted to share it.

I have a lot of beautiful young women in my social network. Many of them know a guy they consider their best friend. He is always there no matter what.
Suddenly the attractive girl has a boyfriend. And as the relationship becomes longer, she hears less and less from that best friend who was always there. Then the best friend gets into a relationship as well, and he completely ignores her.

2 guys I hang out with every week are considered "the best friend" by 2 attractive girls I also know. 1 girl was in a relationship for 2 years and 2 weeks after she broke up, the best friend admitted he was in love with her. She was very confused and said she wanted to be friends. Suddenly the best friend avoids all contact with her and hangs out with different girls.

The other guy I hung out with was very drunk lately. He told me that he was very attracted to the other girl that considers him her best friend (she had been single for a year), and he has strong sexual desires about her. Girl gets a boyfriend, and there goes the best friend.

I don't know if these situations are common, but I think they are and I don't know if you can relate to them.

I just want all young ladies out there to realize that not all "best friends" have the intentions they claim to have. I am a good guy with good intentions, but I have also caught myself wearing a best friend mask for women I was very attracted to. Because it is safe to hide in the friend zone when you are in love with someone. The only big difference is that I am still there when they get into a relationship, because I truly care.

If your best friend from the opposite sex acts differently when you get into a relationship, I hope you think of this

[MerryH]

Soo...what do you propose girls are supposed to do about this? Not have male friends?

Why wasn't this thread about how men shouldn't pretend to be "best friends" with unavailable/unattainable girls?

[Lipp]

I don't think that's necessarily the case though - if a girl gets a boyfriend it may mean that

1. She will use a best friend to discuss relationship concerns, which frankly I think few guy friends would be keen to do.
2. Her support in other fields now often rests with the boyfriend, making the guy obsolete.
3. Most likely a rapidly diminished amount of time spent together, especially since the boyfriend may become suspicious.

I befriend lots of girls as well, whether interested or not, because frankly I find far greater success in being with someone that I get along well with as a friend as well as a partner, rather than calling out a date off the bat and make it all a damn game.

[vashti]

I think in maybe 90% of these "friendships", you are correct.

[doppelgaenger]

i avoid getting stuck in that 'best friend' position like the plague. i don't like being used as an emotional tampon, especially when i'm not getting anything out of it. i do have female friends, though. lots of them.

[blent]

i've never been in the best friend position and never will... the amount of drama i've heard it leads to is just ridiculous. i have many female friends, i'll use them for many things like making me look good when i go to the club or something... and they'll use me to feel safe when they go to the club at night i guess(downtown can be pretty rough). not just that, they're great to hang out with, i'd love to bang most of my female friends, but i would never actually do it because i enjoy spending time with them and i guess i care too much about them at this point

[MynameisJesus]

Soo...what do you propose girls are supposed to do about this? Not have male friends?

My goal in this thread is not to make women suspicious about any guy friend they have. There are some true good guys out there. But a decent amount of guys (I speak from my own experience) want to win trust by pretending to be friends. It doesn't have to be the case but there's a chance it is.
If your best friend is in a healthy relationship, and still makes time for you occasionally, chances are he is golden and probably nothing is going on.

But if your best friend has been single for a long time, and tells you that you are attractive, chances are he wants something else. One of the 2 best friends I mentioned has kissed the girl when both were drunk. The day after he told her he wanted to try a relationship but she wanted to be just friends. He kept making time for her, hoping she'd change her mind. Now we're 1 year later and she has a boyfriend. And there goes the best friend.

I recently dated a 19 year old girl that found me attractive. We hung out and had a lot of fun. Suddenly I heard less from her because her "best friend" had told her that I was no good. Simply because he can't take it that she is seeing someone.

I do not believe that any guy out there can be best friends with a girl he has recently been in love with. You don't have to agree on that, but I believe that it's true.

Why wasn't this thread about how men shouldn't pretend to be "best friends" with unavailable/unattainable girls?

I don't want to give you the idea that I think women are to blame in this. Not at all. Men shouldn't do this, but they do. Availabe or not

[vhayes8886]

sometimes it also happens like this. guy gets friend, friend introduces guy to group of friends, guy becomes best friends with female friend, then (after he learns more about her) feelings for her develop. then he is stuck.

so sometimes even if the guy has feelings for her the whole friendship wasn't just to earn trust.

source: i'm in that situation now trying to get out and hopefully in a relationship.

[Yet another guy]

If a guy ever had feelings for a girl, the only reason he stays as her friend is hope for a relationship. Take that hope away and all that's left for him is pain. Usually this pain ends the friendship. As others in this thread have mentioned, there are lots of ways guy can end up in this situation.

- Guy falls in love. Girl is not interested and wants to stay friends. Guy hopes she will love him once she gets to know him... This is intentional and I think this is what MynameisJesus was posting about.
- Guy falls in love. Girl is not interested and wants to stay friends. Guy accepts the defeat and stays as a friend... The guy is actually cheating himself but won't realize it until the hope is gone.
- Guy falls in love. He is too shy to reveal his feelings but hopes that she notices his signals if they are together long enough.
- Guy is just a good friend. The closer friends he is to the girl, the more likely it is that he falls in love with her especially if they are both single... As I understand this is the normal way people fall in love. It just isn't mutual usually.
- Either the guy or girl is in a relationships. The relationship ends and the guy sees her in a new light.

The list goes on.

I don't think this can be avoided but you can minimize the pain by always being open and honest about your feelings. Don't hide your love.

[MynameisJesus]

If a guy ever had feelings for a girl, the only reason he stays as her friend is hope for a relationship. Take that hope away and all that's left for him is pain. Usually this pain ends the friendship. As others in this thread have mentioned, there are lots of ways guy can end up in this situation.

- Guy falls in love. Girl is not interested and wants to stay friends. Guy hopes she will love him once she gets to know him... This is intentional and I think this is what MynameisJesus was posting about.
- Guy falls in love. Girl is not interested and wants to stay friends. Guy accepts the defeat and stays as a friend... The guy is actually cheating himself but won't realize it until the hope is gone.
- Guy falls in love. He is too shy to reveal his feelings but hopes that she notices his signals if they are together long enough.

The list goes on.

I don't think this can be avoided but you can minimize the pain by always being open and honest about your feelings. Don't hide your love.

All 3 reasons you mentioned are correct for me. Spot on

[smackie9]

Being friends is a choice. You take your chances if you fall for your choice. I have a lesson for guys. Girls are so different when it comes to relationships and their behaviour towards them. Girls think and look at things emotionally. They choose emotional stimulation over sexual stimulation. And this is why it's a challenge for guys. Guys on the other hand are very physical. You are visually stimulated from seeing a nice set of t its or a knockout set of eyes, nice rack...am I right? Now for the friends zone and confusing signals. Girls can be emotionally attached but not sexually attracted to you. They like the male attention, especially when there's no obligation to give sex for it. But when they get a BF, then there is no need to get it from the best friend anymore, so he gets ditched, plus the BF knows guys like you are hanging around to get with his GF so he makes sure there is no more contact. Yes girls are pretty damn stupid when it comes to this crap. We all know the majority of best friend guys are friends because they hope some day they will have a chance to get with them. Most girls either don't understand how that works or they don't believe guys think that way.

Now one of the biggest mistakes made is confessing your love for them. The girl isn't confused. That's a BS excuse. No she's now realizes she's painted into a corner and is in panic mode. When she says she's confused, or she doesn't know what to think, or any other lame ass excuse she gives....it means NO! not interested and never was. She realizes she is now busted for using you for the attention. Now that there is motivation behind the friendship, she ignores you because she knows she can't be around a guy she doesn't want that longs for her....awkward!

Tip: Don't be friends with a girl you want to be with. That IS a lame ass way to find yourself a GF. Grow some f uckin balls and ask them out. Girls like a guy with confidence, not a guy they can use as an emotional pillow to rest on. If they say no then you just saved yourself months of BS. Remember your time is important, and needs to be spent on finding your needs not supporting theirs.

I agree with what was posted, but you guys f uckin keep doing it anyways. I hope some get the picture and stop being some girl's emotional b itch. It would really clear up some of the boards on here and everywhere else.

[Yet another guy]

Yes, we all know that us guys are gullible morons who cannot separate sex and emotions. What would this forum be for if we weren't? And the girls are heartless bitches that enjoy abusing guys emotionally and run around in search for the pair of pants that contains the largest sausage, that's a given. Luckily I'm helplessly pessimistic which balances it out because I won't be harbouring any false hope and I can "enjoy" my life without any female friends.

[Yet another guy]

Now one of the biggest mistakes made is confessing your love for them.

I have to disagree with you on that. If the guy doesn't do that, she will never know why he stopped being her friend and may feel hurt herself. Besides I've heard that girls love straight forward guys, so this is his only chance of dating her, even if it's a slim one. Even if the girl has already made her mind, the guy doesn't know that until he confesses and gets rejected. This saves him a crap load of time and feelings.

If his intention was a relationship from the start, revealing his feeling will prevent him from ending up in this situation in the first place. Unless she is entirely oblivious to his pain and he is really, really desperate.

[MynameisJesus]

Being friends is a choice. You take your chances if you fall for your choice. I have a lesson for guys. Girls are so different when it comes to relationships and their behaviour towards them. Girls think and look at things emotionally. They choose emotional stimulation over sexual stimulation. And this is why it's a challenge for guys. Guys on the other hand are very physical. You are visually stimulated from seeing a nice set of t its or a knockout set of eyes, nice rack...am I right? Now for the friends zone and confusing signals. Girls can be emotionally attached but not sexually attracted to you. They like the male attention, especially when there's no obligation to give sex for it. But when they get a BF, then there is no need to get it from the best friend anymore, so he gets ditched, plus the BF knows guys like you are hanging around to get with his GF so he makes sure there is no more contact. Yes girls are pretty damn stupid when it comes to this crap. We all know the majority of best friend guys are friends because they hope some day they will have a chance to get with them. Most girls either don't understand how that works or they don't believe guys think that way.

Now one of the biggest mistakes made is confessing your love for them. The girl isn't confused. That's a BS excuse. No she's now realizes she's painted into a corner and is in panic mode. When she says she's confused, or she doesn't know what to think, or any other lame ass excuse she gives....it means NO! not interested and never was. She realizes she is now busted for using you for the attention. Now that there is motivation behind the friendship, she ignores you because she knows she can't be around a guy she doesn't want that longs for her....awkward!

Tip: Don't be friends with a girl you want to be with. That IS a lame ass way to find yourself a GF. Grow some f uckin balls and ask them out. Girls like a guy with confidence, not a guy they can use as an emotional pillow to rest on. If they say no then you just saved yourself months of BS. Remember your time is important, and needs to be spent on finding your needs not supporting theirs.

I agree with what was posted, but you guys f uckin keep doing it anyways. I hope some get the picture and stop being some girl's emotional b itch. It would really clear up some of the boards on here and everywhere else.

I learn something from you in every post you make smackie. And even though I have always seen things differently, I understand your theory as well and it makes perfect sense to me.

Now for the friends zone. I hate it when people claim it's a myth, because it's not.
For years I have used the excuse of " I need to get to know her better before I can fall in love " which is a BS excuse that I used to avoid being ballsy and fuc'kin ask her out from the start. No risk
Even if there was physical attraction from the female side when we first met, I did not respond out of fear. After a few dates the girl picks up on it, that you aren't ballsy enough and then you become the emotional gayfriend which is what no guy wants to be.

So I hung on for a very long time, enjoying her company without taking any risk for it. Meanwhile you become her emotional doormat.

If a girl sends you obvious signs from the start and you don't respond to them, is it inevitable to stay in the zone for a lifetime? Or can you change gears by not taking her BS anymore
If you ask me what there is to gain from some of my friendships, I have to be honest and say I have been a doormat. But not after today

[MynameisJesus]

i've never been in the best friend position and never will... the amount of drama i've heard it leads to is just ridiculous.

What drama? Whether you admit your sexual desires immediately or after a while, I assume the outcome is the same