how to not get too comfortable too quickly

[carlton99]

Basically have met someone and fallen in love with them and things have moved very quickly. We have known each about a year but our first kiss was late October so I guess this was the start of our relationship.

We now rent a house together and I feel very comfortable with them, almost too comfortable as if we have been together for ages. It feels like we have missed out on the dating/romantic period and just stepped to step 3.

She says she hopes I do not rest on my laurels and I say I haven't, but I do feel this a little.
She also says I have changed since we first met. I know what she means..............when we first met I agreed with everything she said and was doing my best to impress her. Now she is living with me I kind of feel like I have her and my work is done and requires not alot of effort from me and I do not need to agree with her anymore. I am beginning to voice my opinion a bit more and as a result this is causing friction as she has not changed since day one.

I am not sure what the future holds and also how to reverse things a little to avoid this friction and to avoid resting on my laurels.
Yes I have bought her flowers but due to her daughter and our jobs we have litle time in evening to go out for a nice meal or drink. It's been all about getting straight in new house and christmas.

[devonbrown]

Yes, you jumped right into an old married couple situation. The problem started with you not being yourself at first but she was. Now that you are starting to be a little more like yourself, she is realizing that maybe the real you is not the person she fell for. Sometimes you see this in reverse, where someone changes who they really are for the sake of the relationship.
The best way to handle this is to be honest and communicate with each other. Let her know that maybe before you were trying to hard to impress her, but that you want her to know who you really are. Confirm that you care about her, but acknowledge that things are not like they were and you know that you both wish you could step back a little. Ask for her advice and her opinions as well.
Keep talking to each other. That is the only way you will be able to move forward. Or backward. Whichever direction you wish.
Good luck.

[sweetkissesforu]

There are such things as babysitters romance has to stay in a relationship and needs effort or you will not last

[Boisdevie]

So you kissed in October and now you are living together. Waaaay too fast. I kissed my GF in September. Would I even begin to think about living with her - no bloody way. Is it you who is desperate or her because this is not normal

[sookie6]

Depends also on your age...apparently people can speed up in a relationship when they are older...

But I don't think you can know each other in such little time...you're both bound to discover stuff you don't like...

I get the impression from your story that she is the dominant one : you were the one wanting to impress her, she told you not to sleep on your laurel...I'd suggest you show her the real you asap so that you get to know the real her...it's possible she enjoyed being pampered and adored and that's why she moved in with you (among other things of course)...and now she's thinking that you are not as lenient as she belived..tough call for her too...

PS: what circumstances led you to move in together so quickly? and also 'don't be a doormat, if she is not happy with the real you you need to bugger off however pretty she is and even though you enjoy the sex (I'm saying this because men can become so blinded when they are getting some!)

[Take2]

Wow. You kissed in LATE October and moved in together in December(and she has a child from a previous relationship???)? That is insanely fast in that situation! Less than 2 months to move through all the stages from first kiss to old married couple. That takes most people at least 5 years. Is there any way you could take a major step back and get 2 separate homes for a while? Ideally, you should have been dating a couple of months before you even MET the kid! It's going to be hard to get the spark back, because you never gave it time to be there in the first place.

[xxazurexx]

Too much, too soon. You hardly even know each other, yet are shacked up?

You both desperate or something?

[carlton99]

Well my situation wasn't desperate I was in a 13 year relationship with my partner (not married but 1 x 12 yr old daughter) and she was in a similar length relationship but with a 6 yr daughter. Her husband was abusing her so I wanted to rescue her from her hell quick.
She thought I was single initially and did not realise I was involved. I started to think about my relationship which had become a bit boring and decided a change would be good as she was so different to my ex.

[SelflessnHumble]

It feels like we have missed out on the dating/romantic period and just stepped to step 3.

She says she hopes I do not rest on my laurels and I say I haven't, but I do feel this a little.
...when we first met I agreed with everything she said and was doing my best to impress her. Now she is living with me I kind of feel like I have her and my work is done and requires not alot of effort from me and I do not need to agree with her anymore. I am beginning to voice my opinion a bit more and as a result this is causing friction as she has not changed since day one.

Yes I have bought her flowers but due to her daughter and our jobs we have litle time in evening to go out for a nice meal or drink. It's been all about getting straight in new house and christmas.

Look, sometimes when things "feel" right you wish they'd never change. Life is change and the meaning of life lies in
how we acclimate to change and deal with it. 2nd, lying to someone (because you don't want to either upset her, or
break the illusion that you two have a lot in common) -comes out in the end...The fact is you've always had an opinion about issues...You basically lied to her to "woo" her. Women LOVE it when men agree with them not when they
reveal who they are much later down the road...She won't say it but it pisses her off.

Unfortunately this happens a lot and yes you did go way too fast because
you didn't take into account: variable change which is paramount to having a successful life/relationship.

Last, Everyone buys flowers (and candy for that matter) -this isn't thoughtful nor original. Get creative.
Plan a picnic: get a babysitter, and take off work and take her to a quiet and scenic setting.
Heck, if you can swing it: hire a violinist (for an hour)

If you can't swing it: even better: cook the meal for you two, dim the lights
and get her favorite flowers/candles to decorate the house...play her favorite romantic music.
Get her favorite fruit and feed her while she lies down on your lap...

You need to reignite the spark that's dying.
Don't make excuses: if you want time for each other you will make time for each other.

[Take2]

Well my situation wasn't desperate I was in a 13 year relationship with my partner (not married but 1 x 12 yr old daughter) and she was in a similar length relationship but with a 6 yr daughter. Her husband was abusing her so I wanted to rescue her from her hell quick.
She thought I was single initially and did not realise I was involved. I started to think about my relationship which had become a bit boring and decided a change would be good as she was so different to my ex.

Wow, that sounds like a match made in heaven! You were in a relationship, and after you realized this damsel was in distress you decided your old relationship, which was apparently fine back when you conceived the baby, was not as exciting as playing superhero? You are a peach of a man, with all your priorities straight. How could this new relationship possibly fail?

And she was in a decade-long abusive relationship just a 2 months ago? Well surely all of November was sufficient for her to heal while raising a young child and doing the holidays and being wooed and setting up a new household. I am sure she is completely emotionally ready for a lifelong relationship with you now.

And this relationship? I love how it has been based on trust and honesty and equality right from the very first day. You started with her while with your ex, neglecting to tell the new gal that the ex existed? And she ran from her ex straight to you so you could rescue her? And you pretended to agree with every word she said for 2 months, but now that is getting old?

My very best advice is for both of you to sit down and talk NOW. Realize that this relationship has very little chance of survival without some MAJOR work on both your parts to make up for a slew of mistakes you have already made. Enroll in couples counseling and individual counseling ASAP. Admit you haven't been honest in this relationship and seriously commit to open communication and honesty from here on out. Set up guaranteed time to spend together, just the two of you, to get to know each other and to maintain what spark is there. And then, if it works out, realize that you have overcome massive odds and thank your lucky stars every single day.

[shadowMike4d4]

This is exactly why I voice my opinion from the start. If you have to MAKE yourself agree with a girl then its not a good idea to keep going.

[sookie6]

Well my situation wasn't desperate I was in a 13 year relationship with my partner (not married but 1 x 12 yr old daughter) and she was in a similar length relationship but with a 6 yr daughter. Her husband was abusing her so I wanted to rescue her from her hell quick.
She thought I was single initially and did not realise I was involved. I started to think about my relationship which had become a bit boring and decided a change would be good as she was so different to my ex.

you see you made a mistake by wanting to save her rather than save your relatiionship at the time. Easy to trade something old and too familiar for something new ...now what do you do? What made this woman so special in your eyes that she took precedence...a knight in a shining armour...? did you not abandon your ex partner? Who will save her?

[carlton99]

ok so it's been a little while since I first typed my post and things haven't been great so a big clap for those who predicted this!


Basically we have been living together for almost 7 weeks and have spent nights apart due to arguments. We are currently not speaking and she has called me a pig, says she does not trust me, i have had my car packed once but came back, I slept on the sofa for 2 nights and she slept in her car for 2 nights coming back in the middle of the night.

We kiss and make up and she never refused sex whenever we are in bed. She is also a good cook, irons/washes my clothes but she expects me to not argue, agree with her, say sorry first, be a gentleman and the latest argument was because I fell asleep and did not say good night. This has/is causing us to not speak for the past 48 hours.
I look at her and love her but I know I have to tread carefully around her and the next argument is just round the corner - this may be her medication as she has high blood pressure. What I don't want to do is to call it a day with and in 6 months time found out that she is fine and happy and a changed woman and has found somebody new on the other hand I do not want to make the permanent step of buying a houe with her if this is what it is going to be like ALL the time.

What to do?

[xxazurexx]

We are currently not speaking and she has called me a pig, ...

She was right...you abandoned your wife to shack up with a stranger you hardly knew.

Oink Oink....

[Boisdevie]

Train crash in slow motion. A few weeks in and you're already having problems = not gonna work my friend. No way, no how.