Abstinence or premarital sex?

[justcheckin]

I am 24 and my girlfriend is 20. We have been dating about 3 months now and we have had this talk. She is a hard-core Christian, no sex before marriage, etc. I guess I can deal with "no sex" for a while, but how can I get "connected" with her in a deeper way then just kissing? It is driving me crazy, I am her "first" for the most part (in reguards to hooking up), however she is far from my first ( :-/ ), so I am use to having casual sex with my partners. What do you think I should do?

[Boisdevie]

How can you get 'connected' with her in a deeper way - by having sex. But she won't do that so I'd find somebody who lives in the 21st century and does not conform to some stupid idea of 'saving it all for marriage'

[xxazurexx]

I am 24 and my girlfriend is 20. We have been dating about 3 months now and we have had this talk. She is a hard-core Christian, no sex before marriage, etc. I guess I can deal with "no sex" for a while, but how can I get "connected" with her in a deeper way then just kissing? It is driving me crazy, I am her "first" for the most part (in reguards to hooking up), however she is far from my first ( :-/ ), so I am use to having casual sex with my partners. What do you think I should do?

So why did you choose to get involved with a hardcore Christian and knowing what you'd likely be getting...or not getting as the case is.

[VincenzoG91]

If not for premarital sex, I would either still be a virgin, or I would have gotten married to the wrong woman. Either way, not a good situation. My current girlfriend is the only woman that I have ever wanted to marry. There were other women that I loved, but I could see serious problems with each of those relationships.

[chica]

My opinion is: She's not ready. She's still fairly young and she doesn't want to have sex...yet. Maybe when you guys are really serious and have spent at least six months together, you could start talking about sex. Tell her what you think like, "Well, I think sex is a way to express our love to each other and help our relationship grow." but don't say anything like "You should....".

If that's a problem for you to wait that long to at least see what she'll say, you're with the wrong person. If you both are unwilling to compromise then I'd say you'd do better with someone that shares your beliefs.

And everyone is different, but for me, three months is very little time. I dated my ex for eight months and we never had sex (although we did have a lot of make-out sessions, he felt me up, we grinded on each other...so we still expressed each other sexually in our relationship).Most people want to wait until there is stability, and commitment in the relationship. And that doesn't come after three months. Then, everything is rosy colored but it takes more time to develop something serious.

[Boisdevie]

And everyone is different, but for me, three months is very little time. I dated my ex for eight months and we never had sex (although we did have a lot of make-out sessions, he felt me up, we grinded on each other...so we still expressed each other sexually in our relationship).

No you didn't. To express your feelings for somebody else sexually involves having sex - you know, like penis goes into vagina. You were just playing around the periphery.
Is he your ex because he got bored with all the grinding?

[NewToLove]

Oh man.. so many responses and perspective, I am truly having deep thoughts.

1. I definitely don't have the mind set of "have sex with me or get dumped" please, this is irresponsible and I'm definitely an ass hole
2. When I posted this, I wanted to know what she may be thinking and at the same time, I wanted to evaluate our relationship and what I need in the relationship as well.
3. I am not ready for sex either, just because I'm a guy who sees sex positively (not in the sense of just physical pleasure but a deep bonding experience between lovers) even though I am still a virgin, I'm not going to give myself to someone that soon either, I don't even have a condom ready just in case I do want sex.
4. I know sex is important in a relationship and I'm still on the fence of abstinence and pre-marital sex.
5. This post is not so much "how do i get her in bed" but more of a "Hmm how do i view sex and how should this relationship go about if we do fall in love with each other?"
6. Thank you everyone who gave so much insight, and I would like to have a deeper discussion.

We do grind on each other on what not but recently she told me that she felt like "cheating" herself from sex when we do and wants to stop and I agreed because I respect her decision. but I felt like something was taken from me and that she's distancing herself.

So... one of the key points is, being bad in bed can be improved and that's not what i'm worried about... what if she doesn't turn me on in bed? what if she suddenly becomes disgusted by a penis? what if we just don't have good sexual chemistry? I know these are somewhat far-fetched but I hear it happens all the time. I don't ever want to go through a divorce at this point and I would hate to get one because our relationship isn't healthy in the sex department.

[VincenzoG91]

Would you buy a car without a test drive? Waiting on sex seems reasonable, but waiting until after marriage is taking a big chance.

[xxazurexx]

^We women don't have to worry about such things - men don't want to wait until marriage.

I feel sorry for you poor guys, who might get lumbered with the 'sack of potatoes'....lols

[Take2]

I think waiting for marriage for sex is unwise. A healthy relationship develops naturally over time in all areas, including physical intimacy. That false limit on physical intimacy creates a lack of balance in the relationship.

Boisdevie, why are you so very defensive about a small number of people across the world from you who want to wait for marriage to have sex? It seems like you are downright threatened by the very concept. They aren't hurting you, none of them were potential mates for you anyway. Let them be, they have a right to be respected for their opinion as much as you for yours.

[justcheckin]

is it possible it is a front until she feels ready herself for sexual activity? I mean what are the percentages of women who actually wait till marriage for sex?

[girl68]

I would never ever wait for a man *if* that's what he wanted. Sorry dude if you can hold out on sex then you ain't the one for me. I can't hold out for sex.

[Anna25]

Its a very personal choice, I don't think either is inherently "wrong" as I have seen many successful marriages both with those that did wait and those that didn't. What is for sure is that if you want a strong, good relationship with someone, you must respect them and their beliefs. Is it just a question of sex or are you against her religious beliefs as well? This would be a far greater snag.

I will add another option you can think of when you are ready for it. I have many religious friends who practiced abstinence until marriage and here's what worked for some of them: you can experience sexual intimacy without having "full" sex. There is kissing, naturally. There is also touching in other areas, "making out" without clothes, manual stimulation or even oral sex. I know some Christians practice anal sex before marriage and save vaginal sex for after marriage but I'm not too sure about this one. Its extremely intimate and still viewed as "gross" or "wrong" by many, the mechanics and preparation for it are more complicated than "regular" sex so keep it in mind perhaps if you think she will be open to it sometime later down the road but don't bring it up just yet. Perhaps never before marriage if she is one of those girls who thinks such deeds are "dirty".

There's a whole world of sexual compatibility that doesn't involve penetration. If all of that works, chances are the rest will too. In any case, its enough to carry the important sexual relationship between man and wife.

[xxazurexx]

There is also touching in other areas...

Guess that's ok then. You could feel down there and to ensure he doesn't have a one incher, or that his ass aint covered in numerous massive moles, lol

[VincenzoG91]

Oral sex is still sex, hence the term "sex."