Abstinence or premarital sex?

[Take2]

I've got to say, that while I respect anyone's right to believe and practice as they choose, I REALLY wonder about a couple who believes God will condemn them for vaginal sex before marriage, but anal sex is totally fine with the Heavenly Father as an extramarital activity. Does anyone actually worship an omnipotent, omnicient, omnipresent deity who can be tricked by a loophole? Either sex should besaved for marriage because sexual relationships are sacred and ordained by God to be for marriage...or not. I am saying not, but I won't judge (or date) someone who says they are. Those who skirt the edges and debate which orrifice or exactly how many inches of vaginal penetration God meant? Come on, it's like being a little bit pregnant, you can't "sort of" save yourself for marriage!

In high school, I met a guy like this, He was very pious and self-righteous in his loud proclamation that he and his girlfriend were saving themselves for their wedding night. He was 16, as was I. Now, we got to be part of a group of friends and we got to talking...and this guy was giving and receivig oral, grinding with no clothes on, giving and receiving hand jobs. Basically, he was more sexually active in "abstinance" than the vast majority of 16-year-olds who AREN'T "saving themselves" for anything. I decided his God was a lot more hung up on semantics than my God, because in my mind the right action with the wrong spirit wouldn't count for anything. But I am a weirdo who believes that God created love and sex because He wants us to be happy.

[Anna25]

I don't think its necessarily being dishonest. I think some genuinely feel vaginal sex is more intimate and perhaps it all stems from the fact that that's how pregnancy occurs (most of the time). There are plenty that think everything short of kissing is wrong. Heck, I even have one religious Jewish friend that won't even touch the opposite sex before marriage. In other words, even holding hands is off limits. Its all interpretation and as long as you are doing it in the right spirit I don't see anything wrong with it.

Take2, that guy in high school was doing it for all the wrong reasons. He didn't believe in it, that vaginal sex was more intimate and should be saved for husband and wife. He "saved himself" to feel better than everyone else but still wanted to get his rocks off. Those friends that I mentioned that had some sexual intimacy before marriage, generally meaning removal of clothes and manual stimulation (usually, oral sex was a no but I've known of one case where it wasn't) did so for the exact practical reasons everyone here has mentioned. They still believed in God and their religion and as part of that, wanted to make the right committed decision. By the way, they generally only tried sexual intimacy out when they were engaged. It wasn't with any guy or girl that passed their fancy and they could have a "fling" of sorts with.

In any case, it was just a suggestion.

[VincenzoG91]

WWJD? The butt.

[Boisdevie]

Boisdevie, why are you so very defensive about a small number of people across the world from you who want to wait for marriage to have sex? It seems like you are downright threatened by the very concept. They aren't hurting you, none of them were potential mates for you anyway. Let them be, they have a right to be respected for their opinion as much as you for yours.

Believe me I am not for one moment threatened. I just think they are being really stupid. As Vincenzo said earlier would you buy a car without a test drive?

[NewToLove]

True.. I don't think Anal sex is a path I want to walk through or oral sex...

Getting naked is going to be hard because she doesn't feel comfortable yet, hell I've been just in boxers with her in bed and she won't take of a single article of clothing, I know she's not ready.

touching of areas? she barely touches my penis let alone try to manual stimulate me.

but thing is, I can wait FOR NOW. I respect her beliefs although I'm pretty sure it's not religious, but heck, I care about this girl and I won't force her into things.

the dilemma is.. still whether or not saving sex until you marry someone you truly want to give yourself to... or pre-maritial and see if we're compatible before marriage.

[girl68]

I think if you feel like this *now* time will only make you feel worse, come to resent her and all that. Now if her response was I really want to trust, be in love with my partner before having sex that's perfectly reasonable and it's just a matter of time and comfort. This is not what she has said. When religion comes into play (and I'm not knocking it..) it's really hard to get around especially if she's a hardcore bible thumper.

[red_sparrow]

Oh God..

a hardcore Christian.

Well, all I can say is sex will be just the beginning of your issues.

[NewToLove]

Oh God..

a hardcore Christian.

Well, all I can say is sex will be just the beginning of your issues.

I am christian, but not hardcore, she's catholic and from my knowledge not hardcore...

[Kaius]

This has nothing to do with morals or religion. You should have sex when you are truly in love and serious about the person. Don't do it casually, because that makes it meaningless.
Ideally, you have sex with your life partner, but that isn't always the case. As long as you two are committed to each other, it's more than okay to have sex. If you save
sex for marriage, that is fine, but understand that people get divorced, so you are not making it any more sacred by saving it. Just understand your feelings and go for it!

[doppelgaenger]

I suggest waiting it out a little longer if you really like her. She might cave in before your anniversary. If you really think she's going to 'save it' for marriage (oh boy), then it's in your best interest to date someone else. I also disagree with the posters who think 18 is too young for sex.

[xxazurexx]

^You might feel a whole lot differently and when you have a daughter of your own and when the guys are trying to force themselves on her.

[Neuro]

From a purely psychologically analytical point of you, you may feel like you really want to sleep with this girl simply because she has made it clear to you that she won't sleep with you unless you are married. The reason you may want to sleep with her may be because you know that you will not be able to.

Having said that, it has been four months. That's not long enough to have sex when you are 18. This is different for males, but I know that for females the first time is a big deal and it is something that is special. She is only 18, shy and therefore doesn't want to have sex yet. This is understandable. If you care about this girl, you'll put her before yourself. It means a lot more to her that you guys don't do it than it means to you to do it.

If she is the ONE for you, believe me, you'll wait until you're married. If there's an emotional and intellectual connection, the chances are pretty low that the sex is going to be horrible...unless she doesn't have a vagina. Think about this...if you guys connect on such a deep level, you will compromise in bed, too, in a way that will be suitable for both of you. Also, it is always better to know that she won't easily jump into bed with anyone. And girls who protect themselves and think highly of themselves deserve respect......

[doppelgaenger]

^You might feel a whole lot differently and when you have a daughter of your own and when the guys are trying to force themselves on her.

Wrong. When my daughter reaches the age of sexual maturity, I will be confident in my job as a parent and trust her ability to make logical decisions and exercise good judgment... and if some guy did happen to take advantage of her despite that, he wouldn't walk away unscathed.

I lost my virginity quite a while before I reached 18, and the girl I was with was even younger. In retrospect, I should have been more considerate, but my moral standing on sexual maturity is that somewhere between 16-20 years old, most people are ready and desirous of sex. I think 18 is a pretty ripe age for a person to lose their virginity, and also a legal age, but the OP's gf doesn't feel ready. Instead of coercing him into taking advantage of her, I'm suggesting that he should break up and date someone who is ready for sexual intimacy. I think it's wrong of you to discourage him from having sex because of your personal moral standing or attitude as a protective mother. He's an adult, so give him a little respect. I think he's demonstrated that he's mature enough, not some perverted bastard who wants to steal her virginity and run away.

[Boisdevie]

^You might feel a whole lot differently and when you have a daughter of your own and when the guys are trying to force themselves on her.

I have two daughers and the eldest first had sex when she was 16. She takes birth control very seriously. She was with the same BF for 4 years. Guys might have tried to force themselves on her but she can take of herself. It's her body and her decision, nothing to do with me

[doppelgaenger]

It's good that you have such a developed relationship with your daughter that you can talk about stuff like that. I think overparenting is what causes many girls to get taken advantage of in the first place. A lot of girls I've dated have been from middle-class families with overprotective, strict parents and guess how rotten and spoiled they got when they came to college? If you put them in a pink penitentiary with a chastity belt, they will never learn to think for themselves, and then when the dirty pervert comes along and coos romantic fluff into their ears, they eat it up like candy and spread their legs.