Hello! Newbie here needs some guys opinions on what is going on with this?

[Elixir]

He spent 3 years on/off with me as he kept “leaving” his girlfriend to be with me and then changing his mind at last hurdle. Finally about 5 weeks ago I told him that we should part ways as this pattern HAD to end. He broke down in tears, declared his undying love for me and swore we would NEVER be saying goodbye. He broke up with her and she moved out – finally, two days later (his b’day). We started seeing each other freely in the first couple of weeks, I expressing unsurity and him reassuring me – at first, this was such a big jump from what I had known. Since last week he has said he doesn’t know what he wants anymore (wth?) so I said maybe it’s best we don’t see each other next week if he’s “confused”. He insisted he would call and ask if I would see him. Note – he blew me out on weekend due to some “bad news” he wouldn’t say what. I have my suspicions (re “ex”). Despite their sexless and lifeless partnership I suspect he misses the comfort of her (Mummy figure). He is scared to risk us failing and then having no fall-back, and I think I was quite pushy – putting all my insecurity on him rather than stepping back and taking TIME. Long story short – he hasn’t called or texted since last week when we spoke about this.

QUESTION: He is used to me caving in and eventually contacting him. I have taken the time to work on myself and have had a few aha moments regarding this whole situation, I realize he is not being good to me. How do you think he will feel when he realizes this time, he is not going to hear from me? He said I was his soul mate, he was physically sick at the thought of losing me once before and went CRAZY jealous when he thought I had moved on with someone else. I guess he may just be burying his head in the sand, avoiding dealing with any of this for now, so he may just be relieved I haven’t tried to contact him. But it’s only been a few days. We’ve never been longer than 2 weeks out of contact. Then he always comes back. But this time, he won’t be hearing from me in between. I’m just curious and have tried to put myself in his shoes but it’s difficult to fully understand. Because even if/when he does come back this time, things with me will have changed completely – I’m not into this type of emotional baggage thing anymore! Advice and answers most welcome, thank you.

I should also add that he ALWAYS misses me in the end, and has ALWAYS come back. This is a man who NEVER changes and doubt he ever will (he is 41) – the difference now is that I have finally changed my perspective, only he (as yet) doesn’t realize it.

As soon as I announced we should perhaps leave next week he sounded like his ears pricked and immediately asked ‘why’, and then I also announced my plans to go travelling indefinitely, which he also sounded ‘concerned’ about – last week I came clean and told him I’m just not feeling happy at the moment with life in general, and although the timing of it wasn’t great in that he had just said he was ‘confused’ (ie – “flame out”), he likes to think he will ‘always be my friend’ – (yeah right!) – and he spent a while on the phone listening to me basically breaking down the walls I had built up about how ‘happy’ I was.

Later that afternoon I called back to thank him for listening to me and thanking him for his honesty in telling me he wasn’t sure what he wanted, and (even though I don’t believe it has ‘nothing’ to do with said ex) I took his word and thanked him for being honest, as that was the best thing. That is when I suggested perhaps not to see each other this week, and that is when he insisted he would call to see if I still would like to see him. It is now Tuesday since the Thursday we spoke and the Saturday he blew me out and I have not heard a thing.

I think I'm beginning to realise that basically whereas I spent Xmas & NY Eve with him to be with him, he spent it with me to avoid being alone. He did spend Xmas Day alone, however, and it's funny in less than 3 weeks I can see the reason he refused to spend it with me & my folks was just because of that. Sure, meeting the folks for the first time is daunting and has to be an exception to meet at Xmas - but if his intentions were honourable as he said then he would have had no fears re meeting them.

He is not a serial cheater, probably more out of cowardice than decency.

I sure would appreciate some advice from the guys out there as to whether it's just that we rushed in too soon after his separation and ex moved out - they'd been together for almost 10 years I think, and if he is just taking time to grieve and find his own space in his mind and where he's at - in which case, maybe he will redeem himself - OR - is this wishful thinking? Do you think he has gone back to ex and that was what the weekend's 'bad news' was code for.I do not understand why he would go back to her when it took him 3 years to pluck up the courage to finally leave no shred of a doubt in her mind that the break up was for good and for the best. Why would he want to go back to a woman who he does not fancy, who he does not desire sexually? Is it true that for some guys the 'mummy figure' is better than a real bona fide girlfriend? Any advice will be gratefully received!

[xxazurexx]

Frigging hell. Yet another cheater and an accomplice.

Seems this world is full of liars and deceivers.

Ya reap what ya sow and what kind of treatment do you expect from a bloke who cheats?

NEXT!!

[Elixir]

Well I would be an accomplice had I accepted to sleep with him whilst he was with her, and I would be an accomplice if I had asked him to leave her. He told me he wanted to leave her, I gave him advice as a friend - and that was my mistake - I used to think you had to be a guys friend but you don't. Either he loves you or he doesn't, simple as.

You are dead right - what do I expect from a bloke who cheats? Only, I never saw that. I saw what he told me (lies) - that he had left her. First time round he snook back to her and when I sussed it out I dropped him. Second time round - more fool me - but then, everyone deserves a second chance (not) - well, I thought no one could make such a mistake twice.

This was before I discovered that some men, like this douche, don't operate in a real-world level. They operate in a 'their world' level.

I am no liar or deceiver. I was very naive when I first met him and have come off burnt but wiser.

Obviously I can see from what I have posted that no one has given any indication that he is simply taking space. Everyone assumes he has gone back to her - and really, it doesn't take Einstein to work that out - I just wanted to see if there was any redemption for this. And it doesn't seem there is.

Thanks for the comment! Next indeed.

[xxazurexx]

He's probably been with her the whole time he was with you, backwards and forwards and between 2 women who allow him to have his cake and eat it.

You can't blame him, blame yourself and for allowing his behaviour to continue.

He's probably gone back to her, yes that will be correct. But that is because he knows he can go back to her and come running back to you when he tires of her. It probably won't be long before he gets bored with her and comes running to you again.
if you have any sense you will tell him to get lost.

[Elixir]

He won't have a chance to come back this time, I'm wising up to this old game very fast this time. Ooch it still hurts though.
Why did he create such drama then, with the final breakup? Wouldn't it seem like too much hassle just for someone who he has no intention of ever being with?
Yes - I wanted to believe. I should remember what the woman from the Good Wife said - 'Yeah yeah but show me a plan. Romance is nice but I need a plan."

[xxazurexx]

It probably aint the end though and as dramatic as he ended it. He's been backwards and forwards for 3 years and it won't stop here. His sort keeps on returning and for as long as you allow it.

I've been involved with his sort and with a man who couldn't make up his mind - only in my situation there was no other woman involved, but a few women involved. He'd be with me, go off with another woman, tire of her, then return to me...a repeat pattern, but with different women he'd meet. Stupid me put up with it (I was young at the time and not very wise) and I put up with this shit for a maximum of 6 years almost!! I wasted 6 years of my life on a man. 6 years in which many opportunities passed me by and opportunites with decent men!! I'd never waste my time nor put my life on hold for another man, put it that way.

They just aint worth it.