Completely Numb Right Now

[VincenzoG91]

No matter what, I'm taking immediate steps in response to this situation: locks are getting changed, and now that I've told Craig that I'm gone, I'm done talking to him.

I agree, Amy's story is a lot to take at face value. So I won't. I'm going to verify any facts that I can before I take any further action. And I'm going to take some time out from all of this. Craig needs time to calm down and forget about me. And I need time to think about this, lots of time. Even if every word Amy said is true, my life would be much easier if I just ignored her and moved on, and I was just starting to look forward to moving on. I already have friends trying to set me up, I'm going to a goth fashion show next week, and a distant female friend is thinking about visiting me to "cheer me up" in a physical way.

But it's true, I still care about Amy. I can't shut off more than seven years of feelings just like that.

[misombra]

i would tell her to contact you whenever she was out of her so called mess that it seems she's created and kept up for all these years. she's taken so much from you and now she wants more.

she is really a waste of energy.

[MerryH]

Vince. Dear god no. Just no, please.

She doesn't need your help. Nor does she deserve it. If she needed your help, she could have asked for it at any point over the last half decade. She ****ed you over, plain and simple. I don't care what outside forces, real or fabricated, made her behave this way - what she has already admitted to was just so appallingly wrong, so excruciatingly hurtful to you.

I know you still care about her. Of course you do, because you're a good guy. But she does not deserve another ounce of your effort. Are you going to feel good about yourself if you help her out? Don't let her further ruin your self-worth by helping her out of this mess she created by being dishonest and deceitful.

Why even bother doing any more fact-checking to see if her bullshit lines up? You already know enough to know that she isn't what you thought she was.

[twinrexes]

She's a sociopath. A pathological liar. No conscience at all, so I doubt she'd ever feel guilty.

I had someone like this working for me years ago. She lied about everything under the sun (even about being pregnant), stole anything that wasn't tied down. A few months after she left my employment I got a call from another office asking about her, because she'd stolen a bunch of cash from them. And she seemed like the most sincere, sweetest person when I hired her, and continued to seem so. It took me months to figure out which employee was stealing money out of my wallet, siphoning cash from the front office, and running off with small appliances. She told some amazing stories about her life which I'm now certain were all fabricated.

Why I bring her up is the fact that when I interviewed her, one of my staff came to me and said, "don't hire her, everything she says is a lie, she's just like my sister". I brushed her off and ignored the advice. In the end, she was dead on right.

My point is that some people seem to be able to spot this type of person from a mile away and others, like you and I (and Craig), we haven't got a clue. Me, I want to believe that people are basically good. I'm a trusting soul and that also makes me a good "mark" for con artists and other types of mean people. You too, have a big heart and a soft spot for people in need, yes?

But this gal isn't mean, she's just downright sick. Like I already said, a sociopath. Not capable of having any kind of social conscience. But to you she made herself appear perfectly normal. People like this are masters at crafting their lies. Ever heard of the "travelling salesman" who keeps wives in multiple cities? There are women who have been married to these types for years and never suspected a thing.

So take it easy on yourself and don't feel like it's your fault or you should have figured it out. She's the sick one, not you. And she's had lots of practice in acting perfectly sweet and sincere while stabbing others in the back. She is very good at it, and you're not to blame for being taken in by her lies. What you're going through is hard enough, so please be gentle with yourself.

Follow the advice of the other posters and delete her from every part of your life.

We're here for you.

[VincenzoG91]

I sent her contact information for local womens shelters. And I am asking some friends of mine to investigate her story for me, see if there are any facts that can be verified. Skeptical friends will be doing the checking for me so that the process remains impartial. I'm not doing anything about anything until I have more facts, and I'm taking a break from that mess effective now. If enough of her story checks out, I will help out indirectly, but not with money.

It seems to me that, aside from some public embarrassment, she should be able to handle this situation more easily without me than with me. Craig might not even want her much longer if he feels like he finally won, especially once he realizes how high-maintenance she can be.

One thing that my friends will be looking into, that she didn't even mention, is if this guy has a criminal background. If there were really threats made towards me by a criminal, that's different, and I don't take that from anybody, especially a criminal. Nobody threatens me and gets away with it. My previous ex was a criminal, and her friends were criminals, but they learned the hard way not to mess with me.

[ammi00]

*gives a virtual hug*
Probably letting go to the emotional side of all these 7 years is the hardest thing to do, but eventually it has to happen. Her story seems flawed, and as MerryH said, Amy could have asked for help any time during your relationship...

[twinrexes]

Just think about whether these two statements make sense together:

1."Sometimes he threatened that he would go over to my place and beat me up or "x, y, and z" as she phrased it. So he bullied her into staying in a controlling relationship with him even after she lived with me."
2. "Nobody threatens me and gets away with it. My previous ex was a criminal, and her friends were criminals, but they learned the hard way not to mess with me."

Didn't you say this guy was about four inches shorter than you and someone you could easily have taken on? Don't you think Amy could figure that out?

[VincenzoG91]

Just think about whether these two statements make sense together:

1."Sometimes he threatened that he would go over to my place and beat me up or "x, y, and z" as she phrased it. So he bullied her into staying in a controlling relationship with him even after she lived with me."
2. "Nobody threatens me and gets away with it. My previous ex was a criminal, and her friends were criminals, but they learned the hard way not to mess with me."

Didn't you say this guy was about four inches shorter than you and someone you could easily have taken on? Don't you think Amy could figure that out?

I guess it depends on x, y, and z. Maybe x was vandalize my car, y was get some friends together and beat me up, and z was set my apartment building on fire. She says that this guy has known where I live for years. He says that he thought I was a creepy old landlord who wouldn't let Amy have visitors, so seems to imply that he has known where I lived for years, too, though he initially acted as though he wasn't sure if he was at the right place.

[VincenzoG91]

She ran short on time yesterday, but I did ask her what she wanted from me. Did she want to spend the rest of her life with Craig? She said definitely not, she wants to get away from him. I asked her what else she wants right now, and she didn't seem to know what I meant. She didn't ask for money, she didn't ask to move back in with me, she didn't ask for anything. She just wanted to finally tell me what had been going, and to apologize. She said she understood if I never wanted to see her again. I said that I did want to talk to her again, and also to her friends, but I didn't promise her anything else.

I need a lot of time to think about this, and it still seems like it will be easier for her to get away from Craig if I'm out of the picture. If what she told me is true, he has been secretly and resentfully competing with me for years. If his story is true, then he has got to be worried about me. Now that he has "won" and has time to take stock of the quality of his relationship with Amy, he may realize that he doesn't want the prize anymore.

There is one particular incident that has been troubling me during all this. The day her cat died, in June of 2009. We had a nice night together and a nice morning at our place, but I was going to spend the day playing cards with friends across town. Late in the afternoon, she called in tears to tell me that her cat died. Her cat was nearly 16, and he died climbing up to sit next to her. Had a seizure and then died. Anyway, I threw down my cards and told her I was coming home immediately to take care of her. She strongly protested and told me not to come home. I couldn't understand why she would say that.

Cards wrapped up 90 minutes later, and friends said that I should head home to take care of her. I stopped off to pick up some flowers and called her as I was driving. She again insisted that I not come home, and I said that nobody was going to stop me. When I showed up, her best friend Julia (who doesn't like me) was there, but Julia gave me a sympathetic look when I showed up. Amy was holding her cat and crying. I went in the other room to give them privacy, but asked to say goodbye to the cat a little later. Amy laid him town in the lower half of the cat carrier, on top of a nice towel. I sat there for a while, stroking his soft fur, murmuring "good boy, good boy." I cried, too, and I'm crying right now, nearly two years later, because that cat and I got to be close.

Now I wonder about that day. I think that she called Craig first, and he was already on his way over. That's why she freaked out about me coming home. She managed to get Craig to leave, I guess, before I showed up. I mean, I don't know if that's what happened, but it certainly would explain an odd and memorable incident. So I'm inclined to think that there is some truth to both of their stories.

I've been thinking about facts that can be researched and verified:

1. Engagement. It's customary for an engagement to be publicly announced at some point, like in the newspaper. So that's something that can be researched. This is big, because if Craig lied about this, then he's just some stranger who told me a big lie.

2. I don't know, I'm open to suggestions. Obviously, there isn't going to be a public record of a lot of this situation.

I'm just going to step back from this for a while. See how I feel later on. I finally got a good night of sleep last night. I'm pretty sure that I still want to talk to Amy at least one more time, and I want to talk to Julia about all this, to see how well the stories match up. It's easy to repeat a simple lie, but this is a long story, and Julia is her best friend and cousin, so let's see if Julia can repeat the same long story. Also, Julia never liked me in the early days when I dated Amy, but if all this stuff about Craig is true, than Julia may have a better attitude about me now. She seemed nice enough the day the cat died.

[ammi00]

Considering that she's a grown-up too, how was she able to believe all those (supposed) threats? Isn't that a bit puerile?

[xxazurexx]

I'm thinking that if things had been that bad with him, she could have ran to you at anytime and especially if the situation is, as she claims. That she met this guy innocently and when you two were seperated.

Surely she could have said something along the lines that she met a guy while you two were seperated and he blackmailed her and to stay in this relationship????

Knoiwng the type of guy you are....she'd think you would understand surely??? She's told you all of this now and hoping you'd understand.....why not years ago and if he's been such a bastard to her???

Now if she wanted to escape him 'that' badly, if he was the controlling freak she makes out, who bullys, beats and blackmails her, she could have taken the opportunity to escape and as soon as you became fully aware that she's been cheating on you these past 5 years. If she had wanted to get out that badly, she'd have ran to you IMMEDIATLEY looking for forgiveness....

But she didn't take it as an opportunity to escape him. She remained with him and It took her almost FIVE days and to come and talk to you. Is he really this bad guy she claims????

It's always usually the case when affairs are disovered, that both parties in the affair will try to paint each other 'black'. Both will accuse the other of having done this, having done that and when trying to save their own necks and they shift the blame and the fault onto one another.

Like the married man who gets found out by his wife.....he will say 'She came onto me first'. 'She wouldn't leave me alone'....etc, etc....
Yet the affair partner would say that he was the one who came onto her, he wouldn't leave her alone, etc....

You can never quite believe, what either of them tell you....

Which is why you never get the truth and the whole truth.

[sookie6]

Unfortunately I feel at some point the OP will start believing her because he will want to believe...and then she will win him back over again...I've seen it happen before..some people are pretty convincing while others can't let go...

Vincenzo watch out for yourself...

[xxazurexx]

Unfortunately I feel at some point the OP will start believing her because he will want to believe...and then she will win him back over again...I've seen it happen before..some people are pretty convincing while others can't let go...

Vincenzo watch out for yourself...

So true. And they tend to believe the partner and because they are in denial that the partner would ever hurt them or cheat on them purposely. The way a betrayed partner thinks is, there just had to be GOOD enough reasons why they would do what they did...else they wouldn't have cheated.

In this case, her cheating would appear to have been excused and because she was under the influence of a blackmailing bully, who beat her. She's playing the 'victim' and it appears Vin is now seeing her as the 'victim'......when in fact it is Vin who is the 'real' victim in all of this.

She chose to cheat and quite simply because she'd wanted to cheat. Whether this Craig blackmailed her not....she always had a CHOICE. Nobody can force us to remain iin a situation that we don't want to be in and who the heck in their right mind would remain in this kind of forced situation, where he'd blackmailed, bullied and beat her??. She stayed with him and because she wanted too.

It doesn't kinda all add up to me.....

[misombra]

Had a seizure and then died.

that's what happened to my dog baron i'm crying now too.

[SelflessnHumble]

For what it's worth, certain specific details in her story matched up with information that my bill collector friend dug up for me earlier this week. And when I texted Craig to tell him I'm out of this mess, he kept pushing for extra details, so I could see the pushy, controlling aspect that Amy talked about. And my neighbor agreed that Craig's initial approach the other night seemed forced, when he claimed that he thought that I was just Amy's landlord who helped her out. I don't think my neighbor caught most of the conversation, but he might have heard a fair amount through the door, and he did know when the guy left because he promptly came over with beer for me.

O.k. I read the entire account...and guess what? It is entirely plausible given her history, lack of communication and most importantly:
Your relationship with Amy was NEVER on solid ground from the get go, dude. In fact, she was able to conveniently handle and manage
BOTH you and Craig out of the distances between you and her, and her and Craig. While her story makes sense (as in I can identify with her piss poor excuses)
because I've heard them, and used them myself when I couldn't "man up" to face my issues head on: it does NOT absolve her of her failure to communicate (to you) about the truth
when this first happened...She lied, nonetheless...and giving you exact details of "sex" won't enhance her lies nor disposition given her history...

While it does sound as though Craig is controlling: SHE used this trait of his to allow her to hide behind it.
In normal people: they eliminate the middle man by telling her friends: Craig and I are over, and he's a heebie jeebie creep. She didn't.
Had she taken initiative *for herself* (not for you) this would never have happened. She still took advantage of you, and while she does get some points
for finally telling you (she only told you because CRAIG told you first) -if you have to find out from a 3rd party: she truly never gave a shit about you.

Pity does not = caring/compassion.

The thing is: she does deserve to be heard, and even forgiven...she told you the truth no matter what. Is it the whole truth?
Well, see...You'll NEVER know dude. In fact your "digging" in the dirt is a testament of your controlling tendencies because you feel compelled
to corroborate the story... <--------THIS is irrelevant...

She does need help...Not from you, from herself.
A simple plan of action is required. If you "help" her get rid of this guy: consider the facts...
He would never believe you because he won't hear the truth from Amy. She's continuing to LIE to him as she has to you -see that?-

The whole point of coming clean: is so that Amy will learn that lying doesn't provide closure: in fact you get the polar opposite.