Can I trust him?

[subgirl]

I became involved with a married man last year for a few months, he was living separately from his wife at the time we were seeing each other.

We took a break when his separation took a turn for the worse and his wife found out about me.. but still kept in contact so that he could sort his life out and plan for divorce (He insists that his divorce is nothing to do with me).

He is now divorced and is eager to start seeing me. We have a strong connection and have always been kind towards each other, even through the difficult and confusing times. He's a little bit older than me, but it isn't that noticeable as we get on well.

I know men can lie... and he did cheat on his wife to be with me so I am wondering whether I should trust him to stay committed to me?

I would like to hear peoples views and opionions on my situation as I am unsure of what to do... it's been 3 years since my last relationship and it emotionally scarred me so I find it hard to trust a guy...I am scared of falling in deep again.

Do people learn from failed marriages? Does it make them better on the next one... should someone whose just had a divorce already start dating? Don't they need time to heal?

Thanks

[motty]

This is just my opinion, but I think it is quite possible that he could cheat on you. Even if he isn't you are going to be suspicious of him, late meetings, coming home late, leaving early, weekend out of town trips, because he may have told his wife all of that to be with you. It may be a rocky relationship. Just my 2 cents.

[doppelgaenger]

It sounds like he was having marriage troubles before you walked into his life, and since he was living separately from his wife, I really wouldn't consider it cheating, though it technically is. I think you can probably trust him. Why do you have concerns?

[xxazurexx]

I'm unsure I'd class it as cheating and because he wasn't with his wife. They weren't living together, having sex, etc, etc, their marriage was over and they were seperated, so he really didn't cheat on nobody. Not like he was going behind her back to be with you.

I've been where you are and because when I met my ex hubby, he was married but seperated and no chance of them reconciling....they had no kids. He didn't view it that he was cheating, I didn't view it he was cheating.... his wife was in a new relationship with someone else.

Did our marriage last? For 10 years yeah....then he did cheat on me (behind my back and when we were together).

Who knows. Relationships are not predictable, neither are people.

[mishful]

There's an old idea that the way in which you start a relationship is the way in which it will end... ie. if the relationship was started with him cheating (even starting a new relationship before properly ending an old one) then there's a very good chance it'll end that way.
Also, if you even have to ask if you can trust him then you can't. You'll have to talk through your worries with him an if you resolve nothing and still do not know whether you can trust him after discussing it with him then you probably never will trust him.

[subgirl]

Thanks for all your replies.

@ doppelgaenger, I guess I have concerns as I don't want to end up like his ex wife.

He was having 'troubles' with his marriage and the reason they lived separately was because of a job promotion. They were heading for a separate future..possibly in different countries now.

Out of all the years he was with her and married to her, he never cheated... nor with his past relationships. They don't have kids and relatively both young, attractive and very capable of finding new partners.

@ xxazurexx, I am sorry to hear that he treated you like that. Men can be such b*stards (women cheaters too) You're right.. relationships and people are unpredictable.

@ mishful, very wise words, thank you. I'd like to think I would be able to spot the signs of him if he were unhappy... I don't want to tie him down in another relationship. Just want him to be happy. You are right, talking through worries is the best option. I just hope he'll be willing and ready to... I really need to know the full story.

Wow, I really feel like I am getting myself into a mess...at the time of seeing a married man, you think 'if you weren't married right now, everything would be perfect' but then you don't realise when divorce actually happens, theres the whole issue with doubt, trust, loyalty, guilt, regret etc that follows after.

When you feel like you're heart is with theirs.. its hard to turn and walk away from something that could might just be real.

[Sarcasticshoe]

Ironically, my grandfather is in the same situation. He became separated from his wife (gram) in 1989, but lived with her until 1994... He had a girlfriend that passed away, then a while after that got another girlfriend (Timmie) who just recently found out that he was still married to my gram. She's a little upset (understandably because she was never told ... and now wants to make him get a divorce and marry him. (I dont agree with it because that late in life when his gf is younger, i think my granddad has found a gold digger but whatev)
POINT IS....
marriage is just a legality, I think you can trust him. People who have been married once or twice before really do learn from failed marriages. If he didnt tell you he was still technically married to his wife -- that sucks but its understandable -- could you imagine being in that situation?? (found a guy you really like -- and had to tell him you were married but in the process of getting out) it wouldnt look great. I think he has the potential to be a great guy! GOOD LUCK!

[Nice Lover Boy]

If he doesn't have kids, good luck. He will treat you the same way.

[xxazurexx]

If he doesn't have kids, good luck. He will treat you the same way.

I disagree.

The guy didn't do anything wrong. He has a failed marriage under his belt....so what? So have millions of other men.

[Boisdevie]

What worries me is that why did he take a break from things when his ex wife found out about the two of you? It was none of her business since he was separated from her at the time.