no sex in relationship

[SelflessnHumble]

She has suggested several times that I should “take care of matters myself.” I rarely if ever masturbate because doing so feels very wrong and dirty. In my past experience after I masturbate I feel terribly depressed, the worst depression I have ever felt in my life. Afterwards it's a feeling of pure despair. I can only compare it to the way I might feel if I had killed someone. My fiance knows of this personal issue I have but I don't think she believes me or if she does she does not understand.

Why do you feel this way? WHO taught you to feel this way? Please don't tell me "religion?"

I've tried talking to her about my feelings toward this new persona she's taken on but at the very mention of anything sexual she becomes agitated and I end up talking to a brick wall. All in all her constant rejections are damaging our relationship. I've lately stopped trying or even trying to talk about the issue to avoid having my head bitten off.

Look, something is wrong here.
Many people love to throw it back on the other person BUT consider perhaps you don't
talk to her in the appropriate manner/tone of voice? It's not what you say sometimes, it's HOW you say it.

If you humbly approach her: and she gets agitated: it's clear: she doesn't validate your feelings and
well, you messed up and had a child with her: it doesn't get better: it gets worse.
The only way anything ever gets better: is if SHE realizes what she is doing *and how she's going about it* is wrong.

If not? She will never validate your feelings.

[Emerald_Dreams]

I think it's clear that OP is just a means to an end. Sex with him has served its purpose, hence why it has ended.

[smackie9]

A medically trained professional? Working in a lab and taking blood or being a nurse doesn't make you a doctor. There are hundreds of articles on this topic and thousands of testimonials of sufferers. If you were such a professional you would know that not only the body goes through changes but how those changes can be the cause of depression, fatigue which leads to lack of sexual desire. Some suffer from the lack of desire for years. I have worked with many women over 20 years and they have discussed this issue with me....it's more common than you want to think. Women have admitted they give "mercy sex" to keep their husband off their back.

I have family members that are "medically trained" professionals and they would never say "It gets old". There's nothing professional about that comment at all.

[smackie9]

The bottom line is communication. If it's a matter of her in it to just get "the goods", then call her out on it and get this bull shit over with.

[Emerald_Dreams]

A medically trained professional? Working in a lab and taking blood or being a nurse doesn't make you a doctor.

Actually the only difference between me (APN) and a doctor is that he can prescribe about a dozen more medications than I can.

I have family members that are "medically trained" professionals and they would never say "It gets old". There's nothing professional about that comment at all.

Sorry, am I at work right now? No? Thx.

[sweetkissesforu]

Get rid of any woman who ever says these things to you. She has zero respect for your masculinity or feelings.



Oh boohoo. Babies sleep 20 hours a day. Quit pretending it's such a big life-draining chore. The baby cries, you change it (5 minutes). The baby cries, you feed it (10 minutes). You hold the baby. The baby sleeps. It's not rocket science. If a 10 year old could do it (my cousin took care of her brother) then an adult can do it. Taking care of a baby is definitely easier than working a full time job!



This is exactly the type of bitter cunt you should avoid in life. Would you honestly want to marry and spend the rest of your life with a cunt like that? Your wife calls you a chauvinist and a PERVERT because you want to have sex? She tells you to go masturbate? And in response to that you're supposed to kiss her ass and "make her feel appreciated"? Appreciated for what, exactly? LOL

Narrow minded in your perspective and calling a woman a cunt your a BIG Asso hope you dont have GF or Wife poor thing you also undervalue motherhood more to it then that

[doppelgaenger]

Do you also talk to your dead relatives, sweetie?

[sookie6]

Oh some people have been giving you excellent advice on here!

Sharing a healthy sexual life is part of the 'deal' in a marriage...you would have an excellent reason to call the wedding off for now.
Also you should really feel free to masturbate...it's very healthy and free!!!

I get the empression you are an excellent father so really you will need to find a solution for the sake of your kids...you don't want them to be raised by a stranger some day.

By postponing the marriage you will definitely get her attention but you're likely to turn sex into a trading tool which we have seen many times on this forum..it is sad and doomed when it happens...

I guess the real question here is ' do you love your fiancee?' and 'does she love you?'...

[johnfisher]

I have every post in this thread carefully trying to understand the way people feel and think. It;s very interesting because on one hand you've got experienced women who've given birth saying the OP should be patient, but patient for how long? Often during the 9 months of pregnancy people don't have sex at all, add to that possibly another 3 months of her fatigue and no desire, that's a year of no sex. Do women seriously think it's possible for any man to go for such a long period of time without sex?

On the other hand I also understand that having a baby is tough and only a woman will ever experience the pains, the fatigue of it all. I mean carrying that extra weight, the biological changes, some of them huge, it's a real tough and painful time for women. So we men should be patient and supportive, try to comfort their partner and control desires in any way possible.

In my opinion the OP should try to wait perhaps another month or 6 weeks, try to fight it out however you can and then and the end of that have a meaningful discussion with her, if she's not willing ti listen it's time to plan for yourself without her involved.

I don't agree with sex outside marriage (for religious reasons) but I do think the same would apply for a married man, consider divorce and finding someone else who is willing to have sex.

On that note, could anyone tell me what is the average time taken after birth before women want or are ready to have sex again? I haven't read anything on this matter myself.

Thanks and good luck to the OP, I wish it turns out ok for you.

[sookie6]

The OP is not married yet so he would not have to go through the hassle of a divorce...but the OP should also think about the implication of separating from his wife...I mean what a horrible thought to see his kids raised by another man some day...

I say you need to try everything that is possible to compromise and to offer a stable family to your kids...time is of the essence so think carefully and don't rush into anything.

Who knows? Overtime you might be able to recover a healthy sex life (hormones!)...also as she does not desire you, you are entitled to feel that she does not love you..therefore why get married soon? what do you think?

[vashti]

As a medically trained professional I can tell you it is uncommon. .

You're a STUDENT, I believe, and even if you graduated, you are not specializing in gynecology, and are still green behind the ears. Nor do you have the vaguest idea what it is like to care for an infant, let alone 3. My kid's pediatrician once told me that having one was nice, having two causes you to lose your freedom, and having three causes you to lose your mind.

It's my understanding that a woman's hormones take up to a year to normalize after giving birth, and of course, sex drive is controlled by hormones. Is this woman suffering from postpartum depression in addition to mental and physical exhaustion?

Also, about the IUD - are they releasing chemicals into her body? (lots do nowadays) That could be causing an issue, too, or at least contributing. I would get rid of that, and if you are really done having kids, you should opt for a vasectomy. Birth control hormones are well-known to diminish sex drive.

Also, you didn't mention whether or not she gets regular breaks from ALL the kids. Be sure she does, and be sure you hire a sitter once a week to babysit so you can take her out on a date night. She needs to have an opportunity to feel like something besides a mother again (being a mother of three is super-unsexy!), and really, she is far too young for so much responsibility... it even depresses ME to think about it.

And smackie? there is no need to denigrate nurses. They actually fully comprehend what they know, and what they don't know, and rarely do they have the kind of egos associated with those who write prescriptions. Also, there are stupid doctors out there, too. I know a few.

[misombra]

What she said. ^.

I also have a 7 month old. She's my only one and she is hard to keep up with just on her own. I would definitely lose my mindif I had 2 others. Its very possible she's depressed. Might help to see a counselor (both of you) who specializes in ppd.

[bluedemon]

Why do you feel this way? WHO taught you to feel this way? Please don't tell me "religion?"

It wasn't religion or anyone that taught me to feel this way, rather something probably psychological that developed after the dissolution of my first serious relationship. Up until then I was fine with it but after that relationship ended the problems began. Of course just like any other I feel the need to "drain the pipes" now and then but I tend to put it off for days or weeks. More than often I just ignore my own urgency until it subsides. It's much easier to ignore that urgency and frustration than to deal with the feelings of remorse and anguish afterwards.

Look, something is wrong here.
Many people love to throw it back on the other person BUT consider perhaps you don't
talk to her in the appropriate manner/tone of voice? It's not what you say sometimes, it's HOW you say it.

My approach to my fiance is always respectful gentle and sensual, never aggressive rude or disrespectful. From the beginning of our relationship up until after the birth of our son she was almost always receptive. In fact before well over half the time it was she who initiated. For the first 3 months after our son's birth I was very understanding. I of course respected the 6 week law after child birth and even gave her lots of extra time to come around but it's just not happening for us. I have tried many times to approach her about my feelings but the best response I've gotten from her was "Just because I'm not having sex with you don't mean that I don't love you." The rest of the time it's "lets not talk about this right now" or "get your mind out of the gutter." She goes to great lengths to avoid any possibility of a sexual encounter with me. Lately she has been staying up late & making sure I'm in bed and well asleep before comming in. A hug and "I love you" and a kiss goodbye before leaving the house and a kiss goodnight is as far as our physical affection goes these days.

Aside from this she is a very loyal partner and a wonderful mother to our children. I do not want to leave her I just wish I could somehow convince her of the importance of my needs but it seems all my attempts fall on deaf ears.

[sookie6]

My approach to my fiance is always respectful gentle and sensual, never aggressive rude or disrespectful. From the beginning of our relationship up until after the birth of our son she was almost always receptive. In fact before well over half the time it was she who initiated. For the first 3 months after our son's birth I was very understanding. I of course respected the 6 week law after child birth and even gave her lots of extra time to come around but it's just not happening for us. I have tried many times to approach her about my feelings but the best response I've gotten from her was "Just because I'm not having sex with you don't mean that I don't love you." The rest of the time it's "lets not talk about this right now" or "get your mind out of the gutter." She goes to great lengths to avoid any possibility of a sexual encounter with me. Lately she has been staying up late & making sure I'm in bed and well asleep before comming in. A hug and "I love you" and a kiss goodbye before leaving the house and a kiss goodnight is as far as our physical affection goes these days.

Aside from this she is a very loyal partner and a wonderful mother to our children. I do not want to leave her I just wish I could somehow convince her of the importance of my needs but it seems all my attempts fall on deaf ears.

I'm not one to play games...but what if for a while you showed no interest in her and without being rude you were just indiferrent to her...? What if you were the first one to ignore her in bed and to stop hugging and calling her sweet names..what if after a while you mentioned in a casual conversation that she was a great 'friend' to you...you know what I mean...I think that if she felt you were starting to 'not fancy' her anymore she would be scared big time...

On a side note: I still don't understant what you feel is wrong with masturbating? it is very healthy and nothing to be ashamed of...mother nature made us this way you know so why not enjoy...it's not harming anyone.

It can also help you regain more control over your needs and more independence in the relationship and no it does not replace the sexual act with a partner but it is pleasurable.

[misombra]

she is probably total annoyed with being bothered for sex. it's probably on her long list of things to do.

what do you do to help her with the house and kids?