I hate fighting!

[Resik]

my boyfriend and I fight so much..at least once a week.
I feel he is inconsiderate, while he tries to make valid excuses for his inconsideration.

I invited over for dinner and told him to be over at a certain time..ten minutes after the time he was supposed to be here he called and said he was on his way. I said that dinner was already ready and that I said he should be here at 6. He asked if I was upset by him being late and I said yes because I said 6 and it makes me upset that you are late. He said he was busy doing school and that he told me he had to do school, which he did not although when I called him at 5 he said he was taking a test for school. I had thought that since he knew to be here at 6 he would have either taken the test earlier (as he had most of the day to do so) and not have waited until the last minute to do it.
He basiclly got snappy at me right away and said I should not be upset because I had not told him that DINNER was at 6 but to just be here at 6...GAHHH..
I mean really?? I asked him over FOR dinner and to be here at 6!! Should I have clarified that DINNER was at that time also?
I feel like it was inconsiderate to be late. I also feel like, because we've known each other for so long that I should have just let it go and not been upset about it but it just seemed rude to get angry at me for him being late. For some reason things always seem to get turned around on me as if I am being the unreasonable one and that I should be the one who is understanding of HIS time and the things he does..
It's things like this that always seem to cause arguments because when I stand up and share how I am feeling about it..he feels attacked when I didn't even approach it that way. When he called I sounded disappointed and he asked me if I was upset and he asked me how I was feeling...so I was honest and said that I was upset that he was late. But when I say I am upset...then he turns it around on me and makes ME feel bad because about being upset at him in the first place..

Thoughts?

Am I being unreasonable?

[ashley89]

no you're not doing anything wrong he's being an unreasonable idiot!

[Resik]

I agree he's being the unreasonable one. I just hate the tendency to fight about something so stupid when I would think most people would just apologize and say something like.."you're right I should have been ontime"
I just really hate that it got turned around on me as if I should have been more understanding..When I called him at 5 he said he was getting in the shower..and then he'd be over..he only lives like 15 minutes away..so I assumed he'd be here by 6. But at 5:45 I was surfing FaceBook and noticed he made apost not 3 minutes earlier..which REALLY irritated me..I just felt un-considered and that being ontime was the last thing he cared about..

anyhow..thanks for the reply

[ashley89]

yeah he sounds like he is being stubborn, my ex was alot like this. they're the ones who are wrong but they try to make excuses and turn the blame back around on you so it looks like you're over-reacting, when you aren't. I know the exact feeling! I hope everything gets better

[SelflessnHumble]

Uh oh, Ashely and I disagree!!! Watch out now!

K, first thing: STOP looking at this stupid crap as Right or Wrong k? Are you familiar with words such as: Love, patience, understanding, and respect?

1st: Arguments cause relationships to fail. It sounds as though the both of you don't know how to effectively communicate with one another.
2nd: In a healthy/meaningful relationship: you don't argue: you discuss. Both of you are emotionally compromised: not compatible with one another.
3rd: Validating each others' feelings is key: both of you suck at this part, so guess what happens (each time) ???

One ups the Ante upon the other, and you keep doing it until one either cries, yells or walks away...Amirite? (Fight or Flight) <-----Defensive Mechanism...

So how to view this situation in a way that enables you to open up your mind and your eyes? Listen up...


First off: you had unrealistic expectations about him promptly arriving at exactly 6 o Clock when he hadn't in place a well structured schedule...
BUT since he did NOT effectively communicate this to you (how were you to know?)
2nd: How was he supposed to know that "please get here at 6" meant: "Food will be ready to eat exactly 6 o Clock sharp, so don't be late..." Exactly: you failed to communicate (as did he)

(I suspect this isn't the 1st time he's been late)

So naturally there is an automatic disconnect. He discounts the nature of being late because his school work takes precedence: NOT because YOU feel he waited to the last minute...
But because he chose to take the test at 5, see the difference? You aren't being fair here. You had *thought* incorrectly about what HE should have thought and since you NEVER addressed it:
You thought he could play Madam Psychic Cleo and just "know." Not gonna happen.

You were being unreasonable because: YOU used emotions instead of reason when you talked to him! See that? It automatically disqualifies you from having legitimate/rational points
to address when you come off as such: BUT: he was completely out of line: to get snappy with you, no doubt...

I agree that being late isn't cool and to be it shows disrespect for your partner...BUT your communication skills lack detail and concision.
When you say he always turns things around on you: I'm beginning to think this trend of shotty communication is common place in this relationship.
You can't see eye to eye and you are plotting to take each others eye's out of each others' sockets!

Where you go wrong: When he turns it around on you: he is offering YOU up to be the fall guy (or girl) and take the b-lame. So, what should you do instead?
This is where you sit him down and say:

"Look (his name), now that I think about it...I don't think I properly emphasized the importance of being here promptly at 6 o Clock sharp and the reason
why I got disappointed with you was because I went out of my to cook you and I a delicious dinner, so that you could appreciate all the effort I put into taking the time
out of my schedule to cook you a meal you'd appreciate....Now, had you told me that your test was taking longer as usual, then I can completely understand how something
could be out of your control...But ask yourself: how am I to know if you don't tell me? (he should see the reason in that)

Then...say:

"Now, when you noticed me sounding sad, upset or disappointed: *I* have the right to feel this way about what happened!
Should I have taken out my disappointment out on YOU? No, I shouldn't have, and for that I sincerely apologize.
At the same time: when I open up and tell you my feelings: I feel as though instead of addressing them: you invalidate them by turning it back on me and that
is what I don't appreciate."

(by now he should have reciprocated your apology by realizing his error in his ways) Then you two should make up and learn from this situation.

However (this is the ultimate test) IF you come to him: humble calm and saddened or disappointed with what HE did: and when you address it: HE:
turns it back on you? RUN and head for thee hillz!!! Because in order for a man to truly respect you: he has to validate your concerns.

Deflecting means: he doesn't.

[carl1222]

Taking your post at face value, your boyfriend has two faults: 1) he is chronically inconsiderate, and 2) he is unwilling (or unable) to accept responsibility for being inconsiderate.

This is part of his personality, you can't change that ... that's not your job. What you CAN do, is choose whether you want to be with someone who has these faults. I can't really advise you much because I have no way of knowing what his virtues are that balance these faults, nor exactly what you mean by "inconsiderate" beyond your example. What I CAN advise you is that constantly fighting about it is futile. Call him on it for sure, but if you are not prepared to be with him the way he is, you have the wrong boyfriend!

Carl.

[enjungrl]

maybe...
my bf does this too. i hate it. i too hate fighting. my thoughts are if he can see it upsets you and he cares about you being upset, then he will apollogize. and if you want to make it work, you will except the apology and the disagreement will be over. perhaps he was just taking a test and running a little late. or perhaps things like this happen quite often. times when you are trying more than he is. if thats the case. face realilty and discuss it. if he still makes exucess, then maybe you to are not right for each other. i love my boyfriend and want things to work out but my needs are not currently being met. and as much as i hate to let him go. i don't think we will remain together much longer. i hope you work it out. but don't stress yourself out if doesnt turn out well.

[Resik]

yeah he sounds like he is being stubborn, my ex was alot like this. they're the ones who are wrong but they try to make excuses and turn the blame back around on you so it looks like you're over-reacting, when you aren't. I know the exact feeling! I hope everything gets better

Thanks! I really want things to work and I have been really trying.

[Resik]

Uh oh, Ashely and I disagree!!! Watch out now!

K, first thing: STOP looking at this stupid crap as Right or Wrong k? Are you familiar with words such as: Love, patience, understanding, and respect?

1st: Arguments cause relationships to fail. It sounds as though the both of you don't know how to effectively communicate with one another.
2nd: In a healthy/meaningful relationship: you don't argue: you discuss. Both of you are emotionally compromised: not compatible with one another.
3rd: Validating each others' feelings is key: both of you suck at this part, so guess what happens (each time) ???

I agree we both do have a difficult time effectively communicating frustration. I would love to be able to discuss things with him without arguing. And I agree that validating both of our feelings is the key and YES we have sucked at it lately. Things were not always like this. There are times when he is extremely stubborn and would rather be right, then be right with me. See the difference? And admittidly there are times I want to be right, but I utlitmately cave becuase I'd rather be right with him then just right. (if that makes sense)
One ups the Ante upon the other, and you keep doing it until one either cries, yells or walks away...Amirite? (Fight or Flight) <-----Defensive Mechanism...

This has happened once. In late October we had a very very big fight and it got out of hand. He both said things that were hurtful. I was so upset becuase he continued to say things to push my buttons and I continued to do it right back. I started to cry..and I left. and that is exactly what it seemed to turn to be..a fight or flight thing, something I am so not used to doing or even acting on. I have never been this way with anyone. I have never felt that I was so difficult to get along with until a year ago (been together 4 years).
So how to view this situation in a way that enables you to open up your mind and your eyes? Listen up...


First off: you had unrealistic expectations about him promptly arriving at exactly 6 o Clock when he hadn't in place a well structured schedule...
BUT since he did NOT effectively communicate this to you (how were you to know?)
2nd: How was he supposed to know that "please get here at 6" meant: "Food will be ready to eat exactly 6 o Clock sharp, so don't be late..." Exactly: you failed to communicate (as did he)

Next time I will most definitly make sure that I say we are eating at a specific time. He had no way of knowing so I am sure he didn't think that being late was going to be too huge a deal.
(I suspect this isn't the 1st time he's been late)

So naturally there is an automatic disconnect. He discounts the nature of being late because his school work takes precedence: NOT because YOU feel he waited to the last minute...
But because he chose to take the test at 5, see the difference? You aren't being fair here. You had *thought* incorrectly about what HE should have thought and since you NEVER addressed it:
You thought he could play Madam Psychic Cleo and just "know." Not gonna happen.



You were being unreasonable because: YOU used emotions instead of reason when you talked to him! See that? It automatically disqualifies you from having legitimate/rational points
to address when you come off as such: BUT: he was completely out of line: to get snappy with you, no doubt...

Why yes I did use my emotions. And this is the part where I have a hard time agreeing with you. While I agree with you in theory and see your point, the issue was dropped until he specifically asked me how I was feeling. I felt that at that point, I could be open enough to say to him exactly how I was feeling.
But I do get the jist of what you mean.
I agree that being late isn't cool and to be it shows disrespect for your partner...BUT your communication skills lack detail and concision.
When you say he always turns things around on you: I'm beginning to think this trend of shotty communication is common place in this relationship.
You can't see eye to eye and you are plotting to take each others eye's out of each others' sockets!

Where you go wrong: When he turns it around on you: he is offering YOU up to be the fall guy (or girl) and take the b-lame. So, what should you do instead?
This is where you sit him down and say:

"Look (his name), now that I think about it...I don't think I properly emphasized the importance of being here promptly at 6 o Clock sharp and the reason
why I got disappointed with you was because I went out of my to cook you and I a delicious dinner, so that you could appreciate all the effort I put into taking the time
out of my schedule to cook you a meal you'd appreciate....Now, had you told me that your test was taking longer as usual, then I can completely understand how something
could be out of your control...But ask yourself: how am I to know if you don't tell me? (he should see the reason in that)

Then...say:

"Now, when you noticed me sounding sad, upset or disappointed: *I* have the right to feel this way about what happened!
Should I have taken out my disappointment out on YOU? No, I shouldn't have, and for that I sincerely apologize.
At the same time: when I open up and tell you my feelings: I feel as though instead of addressing them: you invalidate them by turning it back on me and that
is what I don't appreciate."

(by now he should have reciprocated your apology by realizing his error in his ways) Then you two should make up and learn from this situation.

However (this is the ultimate test) IF you come to him: humble calm and saddened or disappointed with what HE did: and when you address it: HE:
turns it back on you? RUN and head for thee hillz!!! Because in order for a man to truly respect you: he has to validate your concerns.

Deflecting means: he doesn't.

I hate agreeing with you..lol..and I don't even know you..but you are right about most of this. I have a lot of work to do in the future to be more communicative in our relationship. I think that if I step up to the plate and work to be the voice of reason and make sure that I do not get overly emotional about things then maybe our fighting would'nt happen so much.
I think you make excellent points in where we should sit down and talk about it. And of course, if after I do this and he still proceeds to behave as if he didn't do anything or at the very least see my side...well...I'd have to make a hard choice at that point.
Really, thank you for taking the time to point a lot of good things out. I really appreciate it
.

[Resik]

Taking your post at face value, your boyfriend has two faults: 1) he is chronically inconsiderate, and 2) he is unwilling (or unable) to accept responsibility for being inconsiderate.

This is part of his personality, you can't change that ... that's not your job. What you CAN do, is choose whether you want to be with someone who has these faults. I can't really advise you much because I have no way of knowing what his virtues are that balance these faults, nor exactly what you mean by "inconsiderate" beyond your example. What I CAN advise you is that constantly fighting about it is futile. Call him on it for sure, but if you are not prepared to be with him the way he is, you have the wrong boyfriend!

Carl.

Thank you for your response. I realize that I cannot change him. I learned a long time ago that I must accept people in my life for who they are and not what I can make them be. I guess in this situation it is just becoming more difficult to accept certain things.

It's daily work, and I am trying.