Originally Posted by
SelflessnHumble
Uh oh, Ashely and I disagree!!! Watch out now!
K, first thing: STOP looking at this stupid crap as Right or Wrong k? Are you familiar with words such as: Love, patience, understanding, and respect?
1st: Arguments cause relationships to fail. It sounds as though the both of you don't know how to effectively communicate with one another.
2nd: In a healthy/meaningful relationship: you don't argue: you discuss. Both of you are emotionally compromised: not compatible with one another.
3rd: Validating each others' feelings is key: both of you suck at this part, so guess what happens (each time) ???
I agree we both do have a difficult time effectively communicating frustration. I would love to be able to discuss things with him without arguing. And I agree that validating both of our feelings is the key and YES we have sucked at it lately. Things were not always like this. There are times when he is extremely stubborn and would rather be right, then be right with me. See the difference? And admittidly there are times I want to be right, but I utlitmately cave becuase I'd rather be right with him then just right. (if that makes sense)
One ups the Ante upon the other, and you keep doing it until one either cries, yells or walks away...Amirite? (Fight or Flight) <-----Defensive Mechanism...
This has happened once. In late October we had a very very big fight and it got out of hand. He both said things that were hurtful. I was so upset becuase he continued to say things to push my buttons and I continued to do it right back. I started to cry..and I left. and that is exactly what it seemed to turn to be..a fight or flight thing, something I am so not used to doing or even acting on. I have never been this way with anyone. I have never felt that I was so difficult to get along with until a year ago (been together 4 years).
So how to view this situation in a way that enables you to open up your mind and your eyes? Listen up...
First off: you had unrealistic expectations about him promptly arriving at exactly 6 o Clock when he hadn't in place a well structured schedule...
BUT since he did NOT effectively communicate this to you (how were you to know?)
2nd: How was he supposed to know that "please get here at 6" meant: "Food will be ready to eat exactly 6 o Clock sharp, so don't be late..." Exactly: you failed to communicate (as did he)
Next time I will most definitly make sure that I say we are eating at a specific time. He had no way of knowing so I am sure he didn't think that being late was going to be too huge a deal.
(I suspect this isn't the 1st time he's been late)
So naturally there is an automatic disconnect. He discounts the nature of being late because his school work takes precedence: NOT because YOU feel he waited to the last minute...
But because he chose to take the test at 5, see the difference? You aren't being fair here. You had *thought* incorrectly about what HE should have thought and since you NEVER addressed it:
You thought he could play Madam Psychic Cleo and just "know." Not gonna happen.
You were being unreasonable because: YOU used emotions instead of reason when you talked to him! See that? It automatically disqualifies you from having legitimate/rational points
to address when you come off as such: BUT: he was completely out of line: to get snappy with you, no doubt...
Why yes I did use my emotions. And this is the part where I have a hard time agreeing with you. While I agree with you in theory and see your point, the issue was dropped until he specifically asked me how I was feeling. I felt that at that point, I could be open enough to say to him exactly how I was feeling.
But I do get the jist of what you mean.
I agree that being late isn't cool and to be it shows disrespect for your partner...BUT your communication skills lack detail and concision.
When you say he always turns things around on you: I'm beginning to think this trend of shotty communication is common place in this relationship.
You can't see eye to eye and you are plotting to take each others eye's out of each others' sockets!
Where you go wrong: When he turns it around on you: he is offering YOU up to be the fall guy (or girl) and take the b-lame. So, what should you do instead?
This is where you sit him down and say:
"Look (his name), now that I think about it...I don't think I properly emphasized the importance of being here promptly at 6 o Clock sharp and the reason
why I got disappointed with you was because I went out of my to cook you and I a delicious dinner, so that you could appreciate all the effort I put into taking the time
out of my schedule to cook you a meal you'd appreciate....Now, had you told me that your test was taking longer as usual, then I can completely understand how something
could be out of your control...But ask yourself: how am I to know if you don't tell me? (he should see the reason in that)
Then...say:
"Now, when you noticed me sounding sad, upset or disappointed: *I* have the right to feel this way about what happened!
Should I have taken out my disappointment out on YOU? No, I shouldn't have, and for that I sincerely apologize.
At the same time: when I open up and tell you my feelings: I feel as though instead of addressing them: you invalidate them by turning it back on me and that
is what I don't appreciate."
(by now he should have reciprocated your apology by realizing his error in his ways) Then you two should make up and learn from this situation.
However (this is the ultimate test) IF you come to him: humble calm and saddened or disappointed with what HE did: and when you address it: HE:
turns it back on you? RUN and head for thee hillz!!! Because in order for a man to truly respect you: he has to validate your concerns.
Deflecting means: he doesn't.