My friend... uhh, "raped me". What now?

[Trishi]

I'm going to ignore that... the last thing I want to think about right now, is people finding this situation "hot" -_-

Speaking of boys, the jerk got home, and I attempted to talk a bit casually with him. Thinks went downhill when I asked about this morning. I quote him: "What? Weren't we just having fun?". He denied harboring any emotions towards me, and claims it was just to fool around a bit! He joked about him merely wanting to test how good I was, and went on about how he have had better. He found me funny when I tried being serious, and laughed at me when I got mad. I can't seriously believe this is real. He didn't find it odd at all to have sex randomly out of nowhere, because "neither of us are dating anyway.". What kind of logic is that?! The guy even laughed when I said I trusted him. He laughed, like I was an idiot for ever trusting him to begin with.

Proves how little I know about life. To think you could get ****ed over like this from a long time friend I was certain I knew all about... I can't even think of any kinds of revenge without getting disgusted at myself for even considering it. I really need to get away from that guy... **** the police and pressing charges, not seeing his face again would be a better compensation than any amount of money could ever provide! How the **** are you supposed to trust anyone, when even long-time friends can do a 180 degree turn, knock you down, kick you while you're down, and laugh at you afterwards? To hell with this bull.

[MerryH]

Do you have friends you can stay with while you look for a new place to live?

[Kaius]

Hes not a friend. Hes crazy sicko. You need to get yourself tested in a few weeks to make sure he didnt give you anything. The guy is bad news.

[sookie6]

I'm going to ignore that... the last thing I want to think about right now, is people finding this situation "hot" -_-

Proves how little I know about life. To think you could get ****ed over like this from a long time friend I was certain I knew all about... I can't even think of any kinds of revenge without getting disgusted at myself for even considering it. I really need to get away from that guy... **** the police and pressing charges, not seeing his face again would be a better compensation than any amount of money could ever provide! How the **** are you supposed to trust anyone, when even long-time friends can do a 180 degree turn, knock you down, kick you while you're down, and laugh at you afterwards? To hell with this bull.

This is a learning experience for you too...about what is and what is not appropriate when with boys...I understand that possibly nobody ever taught you that a girl/woman needs to behave in a certain way so that to establish limits with men...so the minute he entered the room you should have logged off the Hentai website as you letting him see what you were doing changed the level of your relationship...you need to be able to see this...and understand it...

It's okay to have male friends but certain limits should not be crossed...I personally do not recommend using bad language like they do or talking about sex in an explicit way etc...us women have to establish limits especially when sharing a place with men only...I'm sure you understand what I mean...

About pressing charges...this situation is too tricky...I think I would make a point at moving out...frst and see what happens.

[sookie6]

Hes not a friend. Hes crazy sicko. You need to get yourself tested in a few weeks to make sure he didnt give you anything. The guy is bad news.

Kaius you're a good sport...was expecting a strong backlash from you this morning and instead you've remained very civil..sorry for hurting your feelings. I don't agree with many things you say on this forum but you know my opinions by now...but I'll stop pestering you about things...I just wish you happiness and love.

[Trishi]

Found a place I can stay for a few days, at least... Just a classmate, but it's a start. I know what to do different now... this just isn't the way I want to learn anything... I have always felt more comfortable around men in generel, as friends. I'm not the type to enjoy girl-talk, quite the opposite actually, so a change like this will be tough... I'm speechless, I can't even begin to say where anything went wrong...

At least going to church have made me believe one thing: Life is a test, to prove your worth for heaven. So I guess I'll just have to push on, and hope something turns out good for once...

Thank you for your posts. I'm glad I had somewhere to turn to. It's nice to know that there exists people willing to spend some time helping others....

[sookie6]

Found a place I can stay for a few days, at least... Just a classmate, but it's a start. I know what to do different now... this just isn't the way I want to learn anything... I have always felt more comfortable around men in generel, as friends. I'm not the type to enjoy girl-talk, quite the opposite actually, so a change like this will be tough... I'm speechless, I can't even begin to say where anything went wrong...

At least going to church have made me believe one thing: Life is a test, to prove your worth for heaven. So I guess I'll just have to push on, and hope something turns out good for once...

Thank you for your posts. I'm glad I had somewhere to turn to. It's nice to know that there exists people willing to spend some time helping others....

Yes Trishi anything can turn into a learning experience...mmm...I see you're more used to the company of men...also you seem to have been left to your own device in terms of gowing up...I think you should seek the company of women...not necessarily much older but someone you're happy to look up to and who is a good influence and offers guidance to you...

Going to church is okay if it helps you but the most important thing is to take control of your life if you want it to turn out good. Make your own decisions and don't ever let anyone rush you into doing something you don't understand...this goes for everything...I wish you good luck and hope to se you around from time to time.

[qwertz]

I'm going to ignore that... the last thing I want to think about right now, is people finding this situation "hot" -_-

Speaking of boys, the jerk got home, and I attempted to talk a bit casually with him. Thinks went downhill when I asked about this morning. I quote him: "What? Weren't we just having fun?". He denied harboring any emotions towards me, and claims it was just to fool around a bit! He joked about him merely wanting to test how good I was, and went on about how he have had better. He found me funny when I tried being serious, and laughed at me when I got mad. I can't seriously believe this is real. He didn't find it odd at all to have sex randomly out of nowhere, because "neither of us are dating anyway.". What kind of logic is that?! The guy even laughed when I said I trusted him. He laughed, like I was an idiot for ever trusting him to begin with.

Proves how little I know about life. To think you could get ****ed over like this from a long time friend I was certain I knew all about... I can't even think of any kinds of revenge without getting disgusted at myself for even considering it. I really need to get away from that guy... **** the police and pressing charges, not seeing his face again would be a better compensation than any amount of money could ever provide! How the **** are you supposed to trust anyone, when even long-time friends can do a 180 degree turn, knock you down, kick you while you're down, and laugh at you afterwards? To hell with this bull.

THIS, is why you should have said no. Yeh he wanted sex with you, he went about it in a 'wrong' way...he treated you like a piece of meat, a bit of fun and he doesnt sound like a very nice person particularly, BUT, it wasnt sexual assault and he didnt rape you.

I do agree though, you should find somewhere else to stay. Dont throw the words "sexual assault" or "rape" (when telling friends etc) around though- word travels and you could ruin his life for something he hasnt done.

[sookie6]

Dont throw the words "sexual assault" or "rape" (when telling friends etc) around though- word travels and you could ruin his life for something he hasnt done.

Trishi, take these words of wisdom very seriously. I don't think this was rape either. Move on.

[Trishi]

Already said to disregard the rape-discussion. No, it wasn't, I was just too oblivius to know what limits to set and enforce.

About finding a company of women, I think I'll look into some kind of sport perhaps. I'm not exactly the overly social type here. Any ideas where women gather like this?

I'll probably stay around here though. I can see I need to watch my use of words (Rape, being very dangerous when used casually like I did), but other than that, the atmosphere feels quite friendly compared to most sites I visit...

[MerryH]

About finding a company of women, I think I'll look into some kind of sport perhaps. I'm not exactly the overly social type here. Any ideas where women gather like this?

Yoga, dance classes, women's classes at a gym, clubs at school, support groups, [url=http://www.meetup.com/]Meetup.com[/url]

I'm glad to hear that you're staying somewhere else. I hope you find it easy to cut him out of your life completely. You don't need someone like that around. Good luck.

[doppelgaenger]

If you enjoyed it, then how is it rape? It's just surprise sex in your case.

[Take2]

If you enjoyed it, then how is it rape? It's just surprise sex in your case.

This is a very dangerous and horrible assumption, and WRONG! "Enjoying" sexual contact is a biological response to certain stimuli. Even women who are tied up and raped by strangers or attacked in an alley at gunpoint are sometimes surprised and mortified to find that their bodies respond to the stimulus. An orgasm doesn't mean jack here. That's like saying a guy with a small dick can't really rape you because it doesn't hurt as bad as a bigger guy. How it feels physically is irrelevant because most of the harm from rape is emotional.

Now, giving mixed signals about consent and not being clear about a lack of consent is a really bad idea, as happened here. For that reason, I would hesitate to press charges for rape here. The opportunity and ability to say no was there the whole time, and it sounds like Trishi didn't do that and the guy took that as consent. Which is jerky, but probably not criminally jerky.

But Trishi? You emotional response to this is very much like the standard emotional response to rape. You might well benefit from a rape survival support group, you can go to one of those without pressing charges and they are anonymous and free.

[doppelgaenger]

This is a very dangerous and horrible assumption, and WRONG! "Enjoying" sexual contact is a biological response to certain stimuli. Even women who are tied up and raped by strangers or attacked in an alley at gunpoint are sometimes surprised and mortified to find that their bodies respond to the stimulus. An orgasm doesn't mean jack here. That's like saying a guy with a small dick can't really rape you because it doesn't hurt as bad as a bigger guy. How it feels physically is irrelevant because most of the harm from rape is emotional.

Lol, I said nothing about orgasms. And no, it's not anything like being raped by a small fry (how would that be enjoyable?)

My point was pretty simple - if she enjoyed it, then she wasn't raped. There were no guns, no restraints, or anything in this situation, so don't take it out of context.

[Tashi]

God I hate the internet here. Hate getting disconnected and losing the entire message I wrote >_> Got to remember ctrl+c before posting...

Well, without too much explanation: Emotional rape =/= Illegal rape

In short: Legally, he didn't rape you. But that doesn't mean it felt like rape to you. I could go in depth, but I'm irritated right now because I had already written it, so unless it is needed, I wont type it again.

Important thing to think about: Why did you allow his advanced like that? You felt nervous, but you didn't stop him. Did he make you feel good while touching you (AKA: Before the act), or wasn't it before he actually startet doing you?

I suggest talking to him, see if you can't get deeper than your last conversation. I understand your hate, but you are long-time friends, right? If that's the case, isn't it a bit much to just... forget about him entirely? Try have a talk with yourself first, see if you are certain you hate him. Think about what happened, and if you haven't had thoughts about deeper relationship than friends, before all this started. Your explanation makes me think you might actually have felt something deeper than friendship, but just didn't act on it. He's explanation of the event was jerky at best, but perhaps he was as insecure as you: You said you laughed during some of the events as well - Maybe he laughed as well, because he was nervous that he would lose you? Bad choice, sure, but it is easy to look back, and point out what you did wrong. Actually doing the right thing, at the right moment, is something that only happens once in a while. We are all human, and we all make mistakes. If he thought you consented, and had thought you did it willingly because you wanted it as well, I can understand some of his confusion. I can't tell what your relationship with him was, so it's hard to tell.

Also remember the "Friend-zone" theory. A lot of people believe the best way to leave the friend-zone, is doing something over-the-top. You guys were obviously friend-zoned - So if he believed words would never change anything (A fail-logic, but a logic that might have seemed plausible at the time), this might have seemed to only way to get closer to you.