mixed messages

[headamess]

So I was seeing a girl last year for about 5 months. I wasn’t sure that it was working so I finished it in August. She took it very well, in fact she said she thought it was the right decision and we kept in contact after, in fact seeing each other once or twice a week. After a couple of months, I realised I was kidding myself and still had feelings for her and told her this. She said she had moved on and thought we were better as friends. I was really upset. I went no contact for 3 months. Unfortunately this involved cutting myself off from some friends but I knew I had to do it. Anway, I know I’m still not over her completely but in the past month or so I have made efforts to get out and meet new people/ partners and have decided that I don’t want to limit my social circle and if I have to bump into her as I result of this, fine.

Anyway, we had a night out with mutual friends and it was horrible but on the surface fine and very amicable. We had by this stage exchanged a few friendly texts. During this exchange, I suggested meeting up. I got no reply. I texted her a second time, a jokey one this time, I’m bad for being slow in replying to texts so I was teasing her about this. No reply. To be honest I know at this point I should have thought, **** it. But I wanted to know what was going on so I emailed her, just asking, have you lost your phone, are things not ok? I got a reply, saying she’d been busy and she hoped we were fine.

I just feel really angry. I don’t know how to respond to this. I would rather be friends than not, but I’d rather we weren’t friends than pretending to be.

So do I:

- Not respond. Ignore her when I see her. The downside of this is that we do have mutual friends and I will see her out in the next few weeks and I don’t want any confrontation which I know if I don’t respond, will be hard to resist.

Write to her one of following:

- Listen I feel like I’m getting mixed messages. On one hand you say you miss me, you want to be friends and joke about stuff (And no I don’t take these as a sign of you wanting to get back together). On the other, you don’t bother to reply to my texts which isn’t just being busy. It’s being ****ing rude. Or scared. For whatever reason I don’t think you are as ok as you think with being friends so lets just forget it. Good luck with working out what you want. And FYI I don’t care who you go out with. I’m not sitting here waiting for you. And yes we now are officially unamicable. I think it’s a shame but it seems the way you want it and maybe the easiest for us both. If I’m wrong and you do want to be friends, fine, but I’m not going to be the only one making any effort.

- I’m getting totally mixed messages. Either we meet at somepoint and see if we can be friends or let’s just forget it. Let’s not even bother trying to pretend if you can’t ****ing be bothered replying to my texts.

- I think you’re trying to kid yourself. We’re not ok. You made a decision not to reply to my texts. I find it rather insulting that you claim it was because you were too busy. Do me a favour. I don’t think you know what you want. So lets just leave it as officially unamicable and you can happily ignore me when we next see each other.

I’m aware all these are quite confrontational but I’m angry and I’d rather upset her and blow all chances of friendship than be a doormat. Any suggestions for a less confronational but assertive reply gratefully received! ☺

[xxazurexx]

Gawd...you appear to be nothing more than trying to guilt trip her and into being your friend and 'forcing' yourself onto her and into being your friend. It's almost like you are 'harrassing' this female.

Yes, those replies are wayyyy too confrontational and if I was to receive messages like that from an ex, well let's just say that you wouldn't hear back from me...and if it continued I'd be seeking advice from a solicitor. All these kinds of messages will do, is drive her further away.

IMO she owes you 'nothing'....she is your 'ex' and you ditched her, then you decide you want her back, but she'd moved on. Exes will say all the time that they'd rather be friends and their version of 'friends' might not be to live in your pocket and act like you are still in a relationship...but friends as in exchanging pleasantries and if you bump into one another.

Your best bet is to accept it's over and leave her alone! Don't send any messages!!

but I’m angry and I’d rather upset her and blow all chances of friendship than be a doormat....

I'm reckoning that it's more than friendship you want and which is why you are pursuing this female non stop and to be friends. You think that by being friends, you will stand a chance of getting her back...which is not being a 'genuine' friend.

It's your choice and to pursue this matter, she isn't asking you too. And you are resorting to appearing a 'doormat' and when you become desperate and will continue to pursue....as you have chosen to do.

[Horseyguy]

I'd just not respond

Your angry because you have feelings for her still and you are taking her not responding as rejection

Whereas she seems to be totally over you and is treating you just like a friend

Shit if I reacted like that everytime a "friend" didn't return one of my messages I'd have none left, that's the whole beauty of friends, there are no expectations, it's not heavy, you catch up when you do, you reply when you get around to it

You seem to be treating the contact between you like you are in some sort of relationship. You dumped her dude, and then cos you got all shitty you went NC for 3 months, she owes you nothing and you should be thankful she even bothers having contact with you, which she wont in the future if you keep acting like a knob and sending her email like that

[headamess]

OK, thanks. Some harsh but fair comments. I knew none of those replies were helpful, I guess why I posted here rather than actually to her. I know I was setting myself up for rejection by asking her to meet so I guess it's all my fault. I guess more than anything I'm frustrated with myself as I ****ed up by breaking us up and it's 3 months down the line and yeah, I'm not still over her. And in my heart of hearts I don't believe that friendship with an exe works so I just need to start acting that way. I'm seeing her this week out with friends, so wish me luck, I'll do my best to not get myself into trouble PS I'd be grateful to hear any women's comments, though I think I already have my answer.

[BeingAlpha]

You want her to be friends that hang out -- she wants to be friends as in the kind that is in your social circle. You want friends she wants more like acquaintances -- accept it. You left her; and well she agreed. It probably would have ended anyhow - later down the line.

Good luck.

[headamess]

Thanks BeingAlpha, I think you are probably right in your analysis. Though I do feel like I have been getting mixed messages as during the time of my NC, she sent me 2 cards and in one of them she said she hoped we could be friends as who else was she going to have to play tennis with (something we used to do when we were together, I think she was trying to be light-hearted) and around NY when we bumped into each other she told me she'd really missed me and it was so good to see me. I guess I'm hurting because my text asking to meet was my first acknowledgement that I had missed her in my life, otherwise I've been very careful to be distantly friendly. Anyway, either way I need to avoid putting myself in the position where I can get hurt or act a dick.