Can you be just friends with an ex

[WonderinginCali]

My boyfriend is still in contact with several of his ex's. One that he dated on and off for 8 years, attempts to chat and call him frequently and sees him on a regular basis since they belong to the same church. He recently helped her remove things from her grandmothers house. He knew about this several days before and did not mention it to me and when I asked him what he was doing, he said he was helping a "friend". When I asked later who it was, he told me without hesitation. My concern is that she is continuing to contact him and I am not sure if she knows about me. I think that she may think that the door is still open. I voiced my concerns to him and he apologized, but I am still very uneasy. I am not usually a jealous or weary person, but for some reason, this is hitting a nerve. I don't want to be the nagging girlfriend, but also, I pose the question... Can you be just friends with an ex???

[bluesummer]

I think it's entirely possible to be friends with an ex if the breakup was amicable and you just 'grew out of ' the relationship. I actually know many people who had horrible relationships and say they've become better friends since they're not together. It's all in your mindset. You can't worry about what the ex is thinking either. If your partner really loves you they're not thinking about that person, so don't waste your time wondering about whether they're going to try and pursue the relationship again. If THAT'S a legitimate concern, then you probably don't have that great of a relationship in the first place.

[WonderinginCali]

Thank you. I think I am just having some anxiety since I have not seen him in 5 weeks. We live in different states, which makes things difficult. I think we have a great relationship, so I am going to continue to focus on that, and the fact that we get to see each other in 2 weeks.

Thanks again.

[elijah121]

Yea, I have an ex that i was with for three years, that was about 6 years ago we broke up, After about a year of our break up or less i believe we remained in contact and have been best friends since. I'm a guy by the way and I am single as of couple months ago but when i was with my recent ex, because of her insecurities i cut contact with my best friend my former ex. I mean there was nothing except friendship between us, talk on the phone, had her pictures in my room, helped each other out just common things that friends do, but this bothered my ex girlfriend so i personally took the initiative to cut contacts with not just her but any other reason to cause disruptance in our relationship meaning other friends that are women. I wish i never did that because now we broke up and i burned many of bridges but i still got my best friend back, she'll always be there not matter what, even if we don't talk for ten years. Do your man a favor, if he is close with his friends let him be, trust him, have faith because people are important factors in other individual's lives and it hurts to lose a close friend because of a partners selfless insecurities. If he does something absurd like god forbid cheats on you, then he obviously wasn't worth your time to begin with. Trust is key. hope that helps a little...

[WonderinginCali]

Funny thing is, that we have known each other for 22 years. I have always been the friend that you didn't need to worry about, and now I am the girlfriend. Interesting story, but not relevant. I just know how women work, and this one is pursuing him. She is chatting him up, not mutually. She is asking for favors, making herself "available" at functions to be near him and I understand because he is great. I TOTALLY trust him, because if it was going to work out, it would have after 8 years. I know he would never do anything to hurt me, I just think I need to watch her.

Thanks for the advice, and I don't think that anyone should give up their friends for anyone else. I happen to have a lot of male friends, whom I have been "dumped" for because their new ladies are insecure about our friendship. I completely understand.

[MunawarMunir_79]

hi,according to me with ex someone can contact or help but he must keep u in confidence and must not tell so a lie. She was past and you are present.

[hello1]

No! I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with anyone who still kept in contact with an ex. I would just be reminded that they had sex etc

[xxazurexx]

I personally am like hello1, in that I wouldn't want a relationship with a guy who still was very much in touch with an ex/exes. I like to be part of a couple, not a triangle.

Saying that though I do think exes can be friends and if the breakup was a l-o-n-g time ago. If this is the case though, you'd expect they would be more 'aquaintances', as opposed to maintaining a constant and regular contact.

It's the remaining in close contact that would bother me and make me wonder, why?

[vertical_sky]

I think it all depends on your definition of "friend."

If a "friend" means someone you see occasionally out socially in groups, or someone you chat with every few weeks or so to say," Hey what's new with you, that's awesome, yeah I'm doing fine," then I think it's possible to be friends with an ex and your significant other should be all right with it.

If by "friend" it's a situation like Elijah mentions, I think that's less a friend and more a Sexless Relationship and your anxieties are more understandable.

[VincenzoG91]

I can be friends with an ex, but only if we have both really moved on and we are both in relationships.

[xxazurexx]

I think it all depends on your definition of "friend."

If a "friend" means someone you see occasionally out socially in groups, or someone you chat with every few weeks or so to say," Hey what's new with you, that's awesome, yeah I'm doing fine," then I think it's possible to be friends with an ex and your significant other should be all right with it.

If by "friend" it's a situation like Elijah mentions, I think that's less a friend and more a Sexless Relationship and your anxieties are more understandable.

I like that definition, 'sexless' relationship.

If they remain close, yes that is 'exactly' what they have - it aint just friends.

I am in one of these kinds of relationship. It's closer than 'friends', but sexless. Neither of us have a partner tho, as far as I'm aware anyway.
I would think that if he met someone, he wouldn't bother with me 'that' much and I wouldn't expect him too.

[WonderinginCali]

Thank you to everyone for your useful advice. Wondering now, do I talk about it again since it is still bugging me, or do I let it go and just find it in myself to understand that they are friends? I think it is more one sided on her part, rather than my boyfriends, since when he talked about the situation he was scratching his head and was visibly annoyed with her and was remembering why they were not together. I have think that I am having this questions because I have been cheated on in the past and while my boyfriend is not the type to cheat, I am wondering if he really understands how much this bothers me. So question.... do I let it go or revisit????

[hello1]

Thank you to everyone for your useful advice. Wondering now, do I talk about it again since it is still bugging me, or do I let it go and just find it in myself to understand that they are friends? I think it is more one sided on her part, rather than my boyfriends, since when he talked about the situation he was scratching his head and was visibly annoyed with her and was remembering why they were not together. I have think that I am having this questions because I have been cheated on in the past and while my boyfriend is not the type to cheat, I am wondering if he really understands how much this bothers me. So question.... do I let it go or revisit????

Look get him to choose you or her, if he refuses to choose or picks her then he is still hung up on his ex and you had an lucky escape. Again keeping an ex away is just temptation, they got all that history etc. An ex is an ex for a reason.