i got my reply...

[xxazurexx]

Well good luck then

[fivefootfour]

Good luck. Let U's know how it goes.

[EmptyInside]

Good luck mate! Looking foward to see the result

[HeartIsAching]

Yes, best of luck. I hope to hear good news.

[steviej]

Wow, i'm still in shock, feeling emotionally burnt out. I need a few days away!
I was not expecting what happened last night at all.
She came round to mine, apologised and tried to explain. It's a long explanation and i don't fully understand it. Basically, when her mum and dad split when she was young, they used her as a go between, her mum would tell her things to say to her dad, her dad would then go mad at her, then say "tell your mum this" and she'd tell her mum, who'd go mad and so on.
It had a bad effect on her, in that she can't deal with any kind of confrontation. She bottles everything up, makes out that it's all ok until she reaches breaking point.
So, in my situation - she had fell for me, completely and was scared of getting hurt. We hadn't done much couple-y stuff and i had been keeping things light cos i thought she was commitment phobic, (after her 5yr relationship ending not that long before meeting me) so she needed reassurance how i felt. When i cancelled on her to go and see friends, all those feelings she'd been bottling up bubbled over and she ran away. What she was then looking for was confirmation of how i felt, reassurance. All the things she text me about not wanting a relationship was crap, just trying to push me away. She had been dealing with her issue though in the meantime (whilst i'm going crazy trying to work out what is going on) she hid behind this emotionless wall she puts up when she doesn't want to deal with stuff (childhood defense thing)
So eventually she cracks, comes round to see me. She'd been reassured by my actions and what i'd done and said over the last week and told me that she is now 100% sure i feel the same way towards her, she madly loves me and will prove to me that this will never happen again and she will fix her communication issue by talking to me about how she feels.

I feel emotionally burnt out, she's gonna have to win my trust back and i told her this and she knows and accepts it. She stayed over and it was so strange having her back after this weird nightmare!
She even said she is going to explain what happened to my family, as they really like her, and her them, she wants to set the record straight and explain her actions.
I want to sit in on it because i can't quite make sense of it!

I do feel massively drained though, i'm still very wary of getting a text off her calling it off again, but this is for me to get over and her to help me with, which she is very aware of.
I'm going to book a weekend away somewhere, i think we both need the break so we can rebuild what we had.

This forum has literally kept my sanity through all this, i owe huge thanks to everyone who's given me help and advice. I sincerely hope i don't have to call on everyones services again!
I like the place, think i'll stick around and hope i can return the favour.

[Love&Life]

Wauw...stevie... I am literally blown away, i can only imagine how it must feel for you... I hope for the best, and wish you all the luck, but....take it slowly...veeeery slowly...
She has some issues she has to sort out and you've had a major punch you have to recover from... take it easy and build things slowly.

Have a relaxing break from all of this, and we also owe you THANKS for your input!

[DarkHelmet82]

I agree with love and life.... heres the issue.. do you need or want someone who is going to need reassurance that you love them? seems a little ridiculous.... but congrats man... take it easy. I wish everyone on here had situations where it worked out. Mine didnt but im gonna start dating again so that is good.

[steviej]

Love&life, thanks - that's exactly what i plan on doing. This has been a serious learning curve for me and mistakes made that i have and will learn from.
Dark, i suppose everyone has their problems and issues, you just have to find someone who's issues you can deal with.
I just need to make little gestures now and again, which i think any serious relationship needs really?
This is a girl i genuinely love and it's worth trying.

It sounds like you've turned a corner! I hope you get over her, she's not worth losing your health over.

[HeartIsAching]

I'm going to recommend couples counseling with the express purpose of working on your communication skills - her in particular. She was ready to end a relationship because you weren't able to magically read her mind. That's seriously unhealthy.

I'm glad it's worked out for now, but it's not going to last if you don't get some outside help.

[steviej]

I will take your recommendation seriously. I'll see how things go, if she is able to change her behaviour after the stress the last 7 days has put us both through. If not i'll be dragging her to councilling!

Today has been weird, everytime she texts i get a little flutter of panic that it's going to be 'i'm so sorry to do this again but...'
It hasn't though, she's just very very happy we've sorted this out and the texts are fun and sweet

[xxazurexx]

What I don't get is, is that she wasn't going to go through with the meeting and she called and to call it off....but you had insisted she showed up.

I'm thinking if she genuinely wanted back with you, why had she tried to put off the meeting??

Nonetheless and regardless you are back together, so I wish you both luck

[steviej]

I asked her about that, she said it was her fear of seeing me and confronting the issue kicking in. In her reply "ignore my text about not wanting a relationship & meeting up" that she sent after originally cancelling, even if I hadn't have texted her right away she said she was going to send that anyway, it was just a last minute flutter of nerves that she got over.

She seems so much more comfortable talking now, is happy to come up to me and say how she feels without feeling awkward and squirming!
Fingers crossed...

[DarkHelmet82]

yeah i would be careful.. dont open your heart up right away... feel her out first.. tread lightly

[Horseyguy]

From what you have said Stevie I think it took a lot for her to confront her demons and work through this to the point of actually talking to you about it.

And the reason she did that is because she obviously loves you and wants to be with you, what's happened to her in the past has made her scared and she has found the whole thing very confrontational (or at least that my take on it)

She could have just gone into flight mode and backed off completely, but she didn't do that, it was obvious she was confused but it was also apparent that she didn't really want it to end

She had a 5 year relationship before meeting you so commitment isn't the issue here, seems more linked to some cognitive behavioural issues dealing with confrontation and that's fixable

Once this has settled down I think you guys will be fine, she just needed to work through this and she's come out the other side wanting you guys to be together, that's not a bad thing

I guess you need to work out whether you want to be in a relationship with someone that closes down on you like that, if you are a glass half empty sort of guy

Or you could look at it that she had some issues that were blocking her being able to fully commit to you, worked through those issues and came back in a better space and open to making it work (If you are a glass half full sort of guy)

If it was me, I'd just be supportive at this point. Acknowledge that she's acknowledged the problem and is trying to open up the communication and don't dwell on it.

Quit sooking about the fact you had a week of crap to go through because she has come back better for it.

She couldn't even communicate her feelings to you a week ago and now look where she is at ... build on that

I hope it works out for you guys

And DH for once, I have to disagree with you, last thing that's needed right now is Stevie holding back on his feelings.

She needs to know he understands why she was feeling like that and isn't holding it against her and for him to reassure her that everything is ok. She doesn't need to feel rejected and she will if he suddenly changes his behaviour over this and goes all guarded.

[steviej]

Horseyguy, really good post, i think you are bang on the money there. Everything you've said is how it's been the last two days, she feels completely comfortable with how she feels about me, i've not held it against her whats happened, its just given us reasons to talk very openly.
She's done her best to reassure me of her reasons and why this will never happen again and i've been positive with her and supportive, there has been no sulking (only in private occasionally, and on this forum, lol)
To be honest though most of the last two days has been us enjoying each others company again, being close and affectionate.
Definitely a 'glass half full' ;-)