i got my reply...

[steviej]

For those of you don't know my story (very brief version) met girl, clicked in every possible way, 6months of the most perfect relationship. Literally - never bored of each others company, fun, passion, interests, lust, love. She'd be round at mine 5 nights out 7, we had a talk about feelings, both felt deep connection, fell in love.

Then, completely out of nowhere she calls it off. Doesn't answer calls or texts. 24hrs later her friend gets in touch, said she's spoke to her and 'knocked some sense into her'
Girlfriend then comes over..all tears and apologies. Turns out she'd fell for me and was afraid of getting hurt?
Anyways, another talk about feelings, she confesses how she felt, i do same. Next 6 days are absolute bliss, then last saturday i get a text 'can't do this don't love you etc etc'
Major confusion.
I leave it a few days (hardest, longest days of my life) and then text her on thurday (just gone) a long, thought out text explaining i know why she's afraid of getting hurt now she's fell for me (dad cheated on her mum when she was a kid and split the family, her ex properly messed her about, cheated on her etc) that i love her and miss her and don't regret the time we had if it we are truly over (and more stuff)

Get reply back saying she loves me, misses me, my text made her cry. She said my reasons were correct, she does have this issue and needs a few days to try get her head round it. (Other stuff as well like her friend has terminal cancer and her mum is ill)

So, i kept hope up as her last text left me feelng positive.
Tonight i get this:
As hard as this is, I can't and don't want to be in a relationship at the moment, I've thought and thought and thought and I feel utterly shit about it but I just can't, l need to be on my own, as much as you don't want to hear this, I have had a fantastic 6 months with you and you're so special to me but I need to sort myself out on my own and be selfish in all honesty. As much as I miss you I need to do it and I really wish it was different, I'm so sorry.

Ouch. Words cannot describe how i feel about this girl, how hard i fell for her, how out of the blue this was and just how much i'm hurting right now.

I'm angry she never met up with me once during the last week and refuses to. But i know it's because her resolve would melt if she saw me and then this would happen all over again a week later. Any advice? I was truly and utterly convinced this girl was 'the one'.
This isn't a high school crush either, i'm 30, had my fair share of relationships (all longer than this) but none came close to how this was.
It doesn't bode well for the future, this girl has set the bar so high, being ideal in every way (physically completely my type, personality, attitude, drive etc etc)
I can see a long road ahead of being unable to eat or sleep.

Obviously, i want her back more than anything, but i think her message is clear. I am tempted (maybe tomorrow) to just say some stuff i want to get off my chest (like how the last 6 months were great, no regrets, hope she's ok) and then text in a week's time asking how she is doing?

I am not thinking clearly right now by the way, be gentle.

[Horseyguy]

Step away from the cookie jar

Just back off and go no contact for a while, give her chance to work through what she wants to work through and have a chance to miss you. Let her make the first contact, that way you will know it's because she wants too and not because she's just responding to your texts.

She knows how you feel about her so you don't need to keep on re-enforcing that, and to be honest, if you do you stand a real chance of pushing her away further.

Maybe just text her in a few weeks if she hasn't made contact

[pisces25]

Hi Steviej,

I feel your pain. I am in your situation also. My boyfriend of 7 months and I broke it off just over a week ago as he has a lot of issues he needs to deal with (same thing - issues from his past, his family, ex-GF's etc). I did initially commit to supporting him and we decided to keep our r/ship going whilst he went into therapy but in the end it was impacting too much on our r/ship. I was getting hurt by his behaviour, he was getting upset for hurting me and basically we just had to call it quits. He has a long road to go to healing and until he does he won't have a healthy functioning relationship with anyone. Our r/ship was not 'perfect' but we had an amazing bond and it was pretty much the way you described yours.

I truly believe everything in life is about timing. I consider myself to be fairly sorted when it comes to emotions in that I have properly dealt with my past and am in a good place but unfortunately he isn't. And this is no-one's fault. No one is to blame. It was just bad timing. Right person, wrong time. It is only fair you let her go on her path to deal with her issues as it is obviously something she needs to do and I admire her for being upfront and honest with you about needing to do that. She sounds so genuine about being disappointed that this isn't the right time for her.

As for setting the bar high each relationship is unique. If you search for what you had with her with someone else you will never be in a happy relationship again as it simply won't exist. Not to say you won't go on to have something truly wonderful with someone but it is unfair on the new person to compare. I could never live up to my ex's ex-GF and it was a HUGE problem in our relationship.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you txting and saying what's on your mind as this will provide you with a sense of closure. A few days after we broke up I txt'd my ex and said I missed him, was thinking of him and cared about him. Even though I probably shouldn't have I felt so much better afterwards. I also told him I would be a friend to him if he needed it (down the track) and if he ever wanted to talk about his therapy sessions he could talk to me. Who knows what is going to happen and who knows if the door is truly shut. I am moving on with my life and won't hold on to hope but the future is not written yet, anything can happen. What's to say you won't come together again down the track when she is in a better headspace?

It sucks when something so truly wonderful like what you had ends. You go over and over it in your mind thinking 'what could I have done better, what happened, should I have said this, should I have said that, why doesn't she feel this is so perfect, how could she not want this' etc but it doesn't matter. We can analyse til the cows come home, but it doesn't change a thing. The outcome would have been the same.

I honestly feel your pain. All I can recommend is let some time pass, heal yourself from this and if you feel down the track all the romantic feelings have dissolved and you want to be her friend let her know you are there for her. True love is unconditional and that is why when we truly love someone we must let them go on their path. She will appreciate you for it and in the future think fondly of the time you had together. You may have even made her realise a few things which may lead to a big turning point in her life. That truly is a gift.

Cry, scream, yell and get everything out.

[Love&Life]

The thing is, it is not that she fell out of love you, but she is afraid (i mean that is what she told you, right?) And that makes it so difficult to accept. When she is so deep in the fear, it beyond you reach to convince her you won't hurt her. That is a promise you can't keep. Besides that I am not sure she receives it. Your plan to see/not to see, to speak/not to speak sounds solid. Good luck.

[steviej]

I want to thank all 3 of you for your replies. It's 2.15am here, about 4 hours after I got that final text of her and despite texting and speaking to friends reading your replies I found so much more comforting. Pisces especially, thanks for taking the time to write out that reply, knowing others are/have been through similar is a big help. You are absolutely spot on when you mention timing. I feel in myself I am mentally mature and sorted to go down the road of a full committed relationship with her, but she clearly isn't there yet.

Horseguy, your reply made me grin, lol. I'm gonna try that, I have said a lot to her so she knows the score, I think i'd just be repeating in different words what has already been said.

Love&life, yes she is afraid of being hurt & other issues which are confusing her. I honestly don't doubt how she feels about me.

[DarkHelmet82]

dude at least you now know man... it doesnt make it any easier.. and I know how you feel dude... let her contact you.. in the meantime try to move one man.. Im in almost the same situation as you,

[steviej]

I have no choice i suppose! It still amazes me just how much the memories of her hurt. Anything that reminds me of her or just thinking about her cuts so deep.
I think in a day or two i'll send her one last text. Once i have given friends of mine who added her on facebook an ultimatum to choose either stay friends with me or her. Once that has been done, one final message to her then i'll delete her from there. The last thing i ever want to see would be pictures or updates from her.

It honestly feels like i will never meet anyone who would be better than her. I'm repeating myself i know, it's just the compatibility was perfect.
As pisces said though, it's all to do with timing.

[DarkHelmet82]

NO.... dont send it im telling you dude.. it will not make you feel ANY better.. ive been there and it makes you feel worse dude... trust me man... after my breakup i lost 25 pounds, had a heart attack, and didnt sleep for 3 weeks... if you are going to listen to anything I say listen to this one thing... DONT TEXT HER.. i felt like my ex was perfect too... we were a perfect match and her reason for ending it was bullshit.. but there NOTHING you can do.... let it go.. the sooner you do the better....

[DarkHelmet82]

also dont stoop to her level.... putting ultimatums on friends is a bad idea... it creates hostility and is immature.... let it be dude... delete her from facebook.. otherwise you will find yourself constantly checking into what shes doing... dont put your friends in the middle though.

[oneandonly]

also dont stoop to her level.... putting ultimatums on friends is a bad idea... it creates hostility and is immature.... let it be dude... delete her from facebook.. otherwise you will find yourself constantly checking into what shes doing... dont put your friends in the middle though.

Agreed.

Although I understand sentiments behind it, putting ultimatums on friends is utterly childish and immature. And not fair on them who might already feel awkward any way.

Saying stuff that you can get off your chest, which you have already done but subconsciously you are looking for excuses to keep in touch with your ex. Undetstandable but not good as you only prolong your moving on.

[robFord]

Step the eff away! Just follow the golden rule of "DON'T CONTACT HER!". If your mentality changes from "when am I going te talk to her again" to "I will not talk to her at all" then it'll start the healing process earlier. Be adult about this, accept that it hurts like hell, be around friends and use them for comfort, but don't turn your relationship into a blackhole that sucks the life from them as well. Don't do anything that will hurt your relationships with them either.

[steviej]

Thanks for the responses. I should point out that we have NO mutual friends in common, it was my friends being welcoming to her that they befriended her on facebook. These are friends i've known a long time, most of them have only met her a handful of times so i fully expect them to side with me on this or they are no friend at all.

You are completely right that the reason i want to 'get stuff off my chest' is to illicit a response from her. I know i need to get through this now and be strong. Dark, thanks for your input, in 7 days i've lost half a stone, i was only 12stone to begin with! i have low bodyfat so this is even worse


You will not believe this, as i've been typing out this reply i've got the following message:

"I'm all confused and the best way to sort it is to talk to you. I'm taking [young sister] out today and she is sleeping over but do you want to talk tomorrow? I'm sorry I'm such a nob head. "

Oh man, this rollercoaster is gonna put me in an early grave! This is what i wanted though,finally a chance to talk face to face.

Provided she doesn't change her mind beforehand....

I think i know what to do, but i will take all advice on board! I know this situation cannot continue.

[Horseyguy]

Well she asked for a few days to think things through and you gave her the space and didn't hound her.

She's now wanting to talk

From what you wrote in your original post it just seems that she's scared of getting hurt, obviously has a lot of feelings for you or she would have just dumped you and not try to work this out.

Don't be pissy at her for breaking up and wanting some time to sort her head out, that's actually a good thing, least she's being honest with her feelings, just a pain for you that you had to go through the wringer for a few days.

But hopefully now you will be able to talk it through and get back on track or it will be over and you can deal with it.

Maybe you need to slow it down a little?? 5 out of 7 nights is pretty intense, maybe not spending as much time together will give her some thinking space but still allow the relationship to grow?

[steviej]

Yeah, this mind changing of hers is really messing with my head. Still though, i have what i want, a chance to talk!
I'm not going to get petty though and give her a hard time, but she does need to realise that breaking up twice in a short space of time and not talking to me is not on.
I hope we work it out though, will keep you updated!

Since she text me earlier about wanting to meet up she's been texting all day, usual stuff we used to chat about, it's nice but also weird at the same time.

[Horseyguy]

or a sign that she wants things back to normal, she has dealt with whatever it was and is now ready for a serious relationship with you :0