Strong desire to bolt from a new realtionship

[infinity_b]

To give you a bit of a background on myself. I am 33, female and have never had a long term relationship. I have dated a lot and had these mini-relationships that lasted few months. I have never been in mutual, requited love. During my life, I have had intermittent crushes on men that didn't return my feelings. One was a close friend and we hooked up a couple of times but things didn't go any further. Another was a co-worker that was in a relationship with someone else. I have literally spent years fantasazing and longing for these men (not at the same time). I have dated few men that I really liked too but they ended up dumping me. But this is all in the past. I currently have no lingering feelings for anyone else.

To sum it up, in my 33 years I have NEVER met anyone to whom I felt a complete connection with (physical + emotional +intellectual). I think this is due to the fact that I am a bit eccentric and have trouble connecting with people in general.


Back to present. I started seeing this guy 2 months ago. We are both in early 30's and things are definitely serious and we are in a relationship. We have met each other's friends and family. He is very good looking, educated, smart, funny and treats me wonderfully. We connect so well and have many common interests. We never run out of conversation. For some reason, about a week ago I started feeling this strong desire to end this realtionship. I somehow don't have any feelings for him at all. It's horrible and I am not sure if it's my own psychology that trips me up. I can't explain WHY I don't have feelings for him.

I do know that advice for most people would be to end things. But I am questioning myself and given my history (never having felt a true connection on all levels with anyone in 33 years) - I doubt that I ever will feel "IT".If "IT" even exists for me. I am getting on in years and this is def as good as it gets. This guy is amazing and a great catch.

I am also scared of how far along we took things (with meeting families etc) and ending it now would be a huge shock to everyone.

I don't know what to do. Whenever he texts me that he is missing me and thinking about me, I force myself to text him back the same. But my heart almost breaks because I don't actually feel those things.

I do know plenty of people who are in LTRs and marriages and don't feel the burning passion for their partner. I mean those people have YEARS long relationships. For me, it's getting painful to make it past 2 months.

How do I get over this strong desire to bolt and hang on a bit longer and see what happens?

[Bonfire]

I have never been in mutual, requited love.

To sum it up, in my 33 years I have NEVER met anyone to whom I felt a complete connection with (physical + emotional +intellectual). I think this is due to the fact that I am a bit eccentric and have trouble connecting with people in general.

These two statements above is the reasons why you never experience a complete connection with someone. If the love you had was mutual, you would feel the connection on all levels, even though realistically it not 100%. But it doesn't matter when you are in love. You will think it's perfect. Sadly, not all of us will experience it. But does it mean we just settle for what we can get? I personally wouldn't. I made a decision that I either be with the girl of my dreams or I be alone. I have no problem being alone. And the girl of my dream isn't one person, the role can shift from girl to girl. It just mean that I am madly in love and I know it.

I get the sense you approach relationships from a logical point of view. You analyze things as you go along, you don't allow yourself to fully lose yourself in your emotions. There is this guard, this empty void that blocks yourself from falling in love. So you don't feel it for some men you date. It's a habit you develop due to your past experience with being rejected from all the men you ever had feelings for. It's an insecurity. Something you can work on to let go of. There is another thread with someone who has a similar problem. Read it maybe you can get something out of it.

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/52438-will-i-ever-able-fall-love-again.html[/url]

I'm not sure if I analyze you correctly but I do get a sense you want to experience true love. I hope you'll allow yourself the chance to experience it. Whether it is this man you are with or another man in the waiting. I hope it comes one day.

[infinity_b]

Thanks for your reply. I think you are right on many points. I literally can't tell if I am feeling this way because I am settling or if I am feeling this way because of some kind of fear. I still think that even if I were settling, my current desire to bolt ASAP is a bit extreme. I am walking around with this heavy feeling in my heart

Few months ago, I dated this guy for about 5 weeks. He dumped me out of the blue. I felt strong physical attraction for him but we had absolutely nothing in common. He was a really bad match for me - it's not that I am looking for a guy that ticks all the boxes - I wasn't able to see the future with him at all. And yet, I felt strong emotions for him (not quite love though) and was devastated when he dumped me.I quickly got over it (which is further proof that my feelings didn't run deep). I even saw him again recently and felt nothing.

It's almost like I feel safe in having feelings for guys that are emotionally unavailable to me in some way. It's just weird

I just wish I knew hot to untangle this.....

[Bonfire]

Few months ago, I dated this guy for about 5 weeks. He dumped me out of the blue. I felt strong physical attraction for him but we had absolutely nothing in common. He was a really bad match for me - it's not that I am looking for a guy that ticks all the boxes - I wasn't able to see the future with him at all. And yet, I felt strong emotions for him (not quite love though) and was devastated when he dumped me.I quickly got over it (which is further proof that my feelings didn't run deep). I even saw him again recently and felt nothing.

This experience is an example that love is instinctive and not logical. A guy might not be what you want, but you can be very drawn to him. A guy can be perfect on paper but yet you don't feel anything. You can't reason yourself to love someone. I think once you meet a guy who share mutual love and proves it over time (your first long-term relationship), you'll have that "IT" experience you have always wanted. Only then, you will be able to untangle that knot on your heart.

[jessld]

The one thing I've learnt in life is love will find you. When you give up looking truly give up look BAM out of the blue someone will be there.
I think you maybe falling for those guys that arent available for you because you want to experience love, any kind of love, even if it doesnt last. You just want the kind of connection.
Maybe let go have fun, go on dates, enjoy life and take each day as it comes. Spend as much time as you can with your family and your friends and others that love you.
Enjoy life and take each day as it comes. And when Mr Right comes you'll know, just take things slow and donw rush things.
Remember true love will find you.
Keep smiling chicken :-)

[VincenzoG91]

I do know plenty of people who are in LTRs and marriages and don't feel the burning passion for their partner. I mean those people have YEARS long relationships. For me, it's getting painful to make it past 2 months.

Marriage and LTRs are not about the burning passion. That burning passion is only appropriate during the early insane phase of a relationship when you are happy but don't really know the other person yet. A good marriage or even LTR is more of a warm, steady happiness, and even then it requires communication and some effort to stay strong.

[infinity_b]

This experience is an example that love is instinctive and not logical. A guy might not be what you want, but you can be very drawn to him. A guy can be perfect on paper but yet you don't feel anything. You can't reason yourself to love someone. I think once you meet a guy who share mutual love and proves it over time (your first long-term relationship), you'll have that "IT" experience you have always wanted. Only then, you will be able to untangle that knot on your heart.

Yes but, things would have never lasted with this guy. We were just not compatible. Emotions/love are not enough for a LTR. You really need both AND for the other person to feel the same. I have never had that,,,, and I have probably dated between 50-100 guys in my life time. I feel like I am missing something or that I am expecting too much out of romantic relationships.

[devonbrown]

I think I shall reply to this in haiku form:

Never settle for
Someone that you do not love
Not worth it long term

Also, just relax. The fact that you haven't met the man of your dreams yet doesn't mean that you won't. No one can tell the future. But don't lead this current guy on. If you don't feel it for him, it will eventually come out in some manner and may in fact be even more detrimental down the line.

Good luck.

[VincenzoG91]

"The perfect is the enemy of the good." -- Voltaire