Is this normal?

[gbman]

So we broke up in January, seen each other off and on unofficially since then. Randomly we'll spend a few days together then I wont hear from here for weeks until I finally cave in and text her. Last time she was at my place she looked to see how many condoms I have left and made subtle remarks about me being with other girls. I think that kind of means she is a little jealous but I'm not sure. Anyway, I was pretty tore up for the past few months becuase of the break-up. I barely eat or sleep, it is improving. I don't think I would ever date her again given the oppurtunity however I think I still have feelings for her. I get upset when I see her with other guys and even thinking about her with other guys makes me really sad.

Are these normal feelings? Can anyone explain a little what is going on emotionally? Do I actually have feelings for her still or is this just part of the break-up progression?

I was with another girl for almost 5 years and never went through this, so this is pretty foreign to me. Oh and this is probably important. There was a time when I loved this girl unconditionally and more than anyone else, but lately I can't seem to remember why or how I felt that way ... I know that I did though. Anyway, any feedback would be nice.

Cheers

[BeingAlpha]

Did you break up with the girl of 5 years or did she break up with you? I will assume you broke it off with the 5 year girl -- but either way its because the relationship had the time to play out as it was supposed to. 5 years is a very long time, longer than most marriages mind you...and it had the time it needed to play out to a point where you were both comfortable with it being over. Frankly things can get stagnant and boring...but people always focus on the new and the fresh (human nature) -- they constantly forget the angst and difficulty of being single and looking for a partner. This is probably why many people get divorced and then sometimes later regret it. Its also why people break up and then sometimes regret it. The issue I think you are having with your most recent ex and why you are hurting is that in your mind the relationship was probably still good -- or still had some life in it. You weren't allowed the amount of time you needed (maybe it would have been 3 years - maybe 50). This is all just speculation btw but I do know that sometimes the most hurtful part of a break up is not losing the person more the uncertainty and lack of control that is caused by that...its why people pine after those who were awful to them even potentially abusive.

Right now I feel lost -- I feel like I dont know what I am working towards. I have achieved professional success, have lots of friends that care deeply about me but I watch them move on with relationships getting married, engaged, having children, etc.. and I feel like I am being left behind. What am I to do? First I have been expanding my friend group beyond those I grew up with ... yeah okay its a little weird being the 31 year old in a group of mid 20s but I guess they accept me.. so be it. Second I am focusing on being happy alone -- the saying goes that there is someone out there for everyone but statistically this not true -- there isn't...and sometimes the person you are interested in is not interested in you - it happens..its okay..but its disappointing and frustrating. So maybe I'll end up alone, there are tons that do ... It is not what I want -- I want someone to love and care for who wants to plan a life with me...but having this constant pressure of finding that person creates an aura and bad vibe around you that will actually repel potential partners (its like a force-field to reject the one thing you want the most) - sounds cheesy and you have heard it before but its true.

Focus on what you can control - yourself. Love is a chemical, emotional and philosophical experience -- you condition yourself to see someone all the time, spend time with them and when they are gone you feel an immediate loss..that is quite real. Over-time if you can distance yourself from that person you will condition yourself to no longer have that need. (sorry all you romantics). That isn't to say you can have a long term longing for a person, its just that those who prolong the hurt are doing things to prolong the hurt -- No contact (NC) is about helping you to accept that you should no longer have contact with the person -- it is not a game to try to win them back. The dumper broke up with the person because they thought they were done with the relationship that being without the person would be easy -- they learn through NC that its not -- doesn't mean they won't stay resolute with wanting to no longer to be in a relationship but NC will cause a reaction. The dumpee is hurt and rejected creates an immediate reaction to try to cling, solve or some how logic the dumper into believing they are making a mistake which drives them further away. NC for that person helps them to realize they can in fact survive without the other person -- and frankly helps them to accept what they can't change.

Long winded answer but what you are feeling is normal - the initial burn is subsiding...but the longer you guys hookup the longer you will prolong the healing process / the more you give the opportunity to hurt each other more.