Family or Girl Friend

[michael_d]

Hello guys I'm pretty stuck and I feel like having a 3rd unbiased party give me advice on my situation would be very helpful.

I'm 23 years old. I grew up very family oriented. I still live with my family and I always do everything I can to make my family happy. My whole life I grew plenty of support and love from my family. 3 months ago I started dating my first real girl friend. And I know 3 months is a little soon to know anything, but I can't help the way I feel, which is Love. Since we meet and got together I have spent everyday with her. Even with work, family, friends i have still found away to see her everyday for 3 months. We love each other so much. I want to do anything and everything to make her happy. We have went on a long distance trip together to San Fran, we went to Disneyland and she has treated me wonderful with love and honesty. And I honestly see myself ending up with her. Thats what I want.

The problem is her and my family. For 23 years of my life I have always been there for my family and I always depended on them. School, work advice I always shared and got advice from my family. I am fully employed and graduated college with my family support. Now since I have been with my girl friend it has made it hard to balance time between both. I spend most of my free time with my girl friend now I find myself losing some of the strong connection I had. My family hasn't made it easy. They tell me I'm not there enough and I know they get upset that I'm spending soo much time with my girl friend. The only constant thing I have with my family is that we eat dinner every week night Monday-Thursday. I find myself missing out on that now. My girl friends also having a tough time dealing with the pressure of my family. She feels guilty for making me choose between her and my family. So guilty she broke up with me if though we both still love each other. She feels upset when my family yells at me for not being there enough. She feels that I need to become my own man. I can't live with my family forever and i can't always worry about please them. And she says its not even about please her its just become my own man. A man that can take care of himself and earn his own self respect.

So I guess my question is..do I start this transition to leave my family even though I love them and they are all I have known for 23 years. Or do I follow my girl friends advice and start this transition to where I can be independent. I mean I have a job. I have a college degree. I still want to get a Master and I don't make toooo much. But I still live with my family and I care to make them happy too. I just don't know what to do. If there is any advice out there I appreciate it.. Thank you in advance.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

She won't be the first girl to leave you if you only live to please your family. Move out of the house, it doesn't matter if it's hard. Most women worth dating, won't like a boy that's still attached to him mommy via umbilical cord. That's not to say that living at home with your parents for certain reasons isn't acceptable, but you can't let them influence your decisions and your life like they have been.

[vashti]

I think if you are still living under their roof, you DO owe them some consideration. Lucky for you that you are already employed, and now the next step is obviously for you to get your own place. It's time to grow up!

After you move out, I hope you will still see your family once or twice a week, at least, and don't always be dragging the girl with you. They have loved you for 23 years; this girl has only been around 3 months.

[Marcconi]

Both.
Family is more important if you'd have do choose, but try not being in that kind of situation.

[michael_d]

Thank you for the replies. So yesterday my family gave me an ultimatum. Be with her and move out or stay home and end the relationship. They said they don't accept our relationship because I am not balancing my life with the relationship. They feel that i spend all my time with her and neglect my other responsibility as the oldest son and brother. My girl friend doesn't want me to move out. She rather we end our relationship then to not have the family and support that I have always have. I told her and my family that I choose her. Not that I don't love my family but i can't live with the regret of not trying deciding for myself. I packed my bags and went over to my girl friends place. She still asking my constantly to go back with my family and end our relationship. I don't want to do that. I plan on still talking with my parents about everything to see if there is any compromise that will still allow me to make my own choice. I don't think they will budge. They want me to not see her everyday. I want to see her everyday. So I guess its my decision to grow up and make my own choices. I only hope they will be able accept it in time. Thanks for all the advice

[devonbrown]

Hopefully your parents will be able to accept your choices and treat you like an adult, not a child. To me, good parenting means preparing a child to be able to take on the world and make their own mark in it. Not to have them constantly around.

Family is important. And it is good that your gf appreciates the importance of your family on your life.

Let me ask this - you say your family says she is taking you away from your responsibilities with them. Could you perhaps introduce her into the equation? Maybe have her come over for dinner some nights? Maybe involve her in some activities that your family enjoys?

The other thing I want to mention is that it is not the worst thing if you do not see your gf every single day. I know you want to, and that is great, but you also don't want to smother her with affection.

Good luck.

[VincenzoG91]

Your parents have been smothering you for long enough. You need to be out on your own now, with or without the girlfriend.

[Awesome-O-5000]

You and your gf should move into your parents house......everyone wins.

[vashti]

Maybe your parents are using this as an excuse to push you out into the adult world. After all, you are certainly old enough and have the ability to be self supporting, and so you SHOULD be.