Husband Caught watching Porn..Is it cheating?

[janedoe8765]

I dont want to go into the details of how i caught my husband. But since then (about a few days now) i pretty much cut him off from any affection. I dont let him touch me, or hold hands, or anything, i know it makes things worst, but all i think about is, whom is he thinking of when he hugs me, or who is he thinking of when we're next to eachother.

I've been really insecure since i've given birth to my 17 month old daughter, because my body is nothing like what it used to be. so this has really affected our relationship. Before i caught him, i used to think i was so lucky, because it seemed as though he was happy with me, but now that i know hes been watching porn of really petite asian girls, i feel as though he will constantly be comparing me. So the way i dealt with it, was not to give him anything to compare, i dont think ill ever be confident enough to do anything. just thinking about it gets me all emotional.

Anyways, we've been together for 5 years, overall we've had a good relationship.
Ive started this thread to get feedback from porn watchers, from people whom are in a relationship with porn watchers, should i be worried?, should i make an ultimatum? Is watching porn cheating?

In my opinion, porn is a form of cheating. Do you agree or disagree?

[VincenzoG91]

I disagree. I watch porn, and all three of the women that I've had long-term relationships with watched porn with me on multiple occasions, always leading to really hot sex afterwards.

Most men look at porn at least once in a while and there is nothing abnormal about it, unless it's something disgusting and illegal involving minors or animals. Cheating is hooking up with a real, live person, not looking at pictures or videos of total strangers. If you're not willing to have sex with him anymore and you won't let him look at porn, then he may feel that he has no choice but to cheat on you with a real woman.

I understand your concerns, but it sounds like you're using your child as an excuse for letting your body go. You should start exercising. It might even out your emotional swings, boost your self-esteem and increase your attractiveness to your husband.

Or you can just lay down the law and waiting for the real cheating and/or inevitable divorce.

[falnangel]

I disagree with porn being viewed as cheating. I think it's a healthy way to avoid actual (physical) cheating in a relationship.

I'm a girl and I watch porn (quite often), yet every time I make love to my boyfriend he is the only person on my mind. I only watch it when I haven't been with him for a period of time, and in no way would it influence me to cheat on him, ever. And I know he watches it as well.

But heck, if he were down with it, I would watch it with him.

I think it's so much better that your husband do this than to actually stray.

[janedoe8765]

i agree its better than him actually physically doing it with someone else, but when he watches it, hes obviously fantasizing about the other chick.
Wouldn't that be considered as cheating?

[smackie9]

I'm a woman and I like porn too. It's just entetainment, and provides fantasy.....there is no emtional involvement with porn. It is the view of the act of sex and seeing body parts. Guys and some women like their own persontal time to masturbate. It is just a quick release, a different feel, and it just adds variety to their sex life. So no it is not cheating. And I doubt he compares these women to you....he loves you or he wouldn't be with you.

As for new fathers, they need some personal time usually because new mothers are tired, and are too busy to be a sex kitten in the bedroom. You say he has been wonderful to you for the last 5 years and you have a great relationship......so him watching a bit of porn hasn't changed his behaviour has it? It hasn't turned him into a neglictful husband or a horrible father so you have nothing to worry about.

Here's the thing about men....they need variety, they have a srtong sex drive.....they do fantasize about other women, or different types of wome, etc.....but I truly believe that whatever goes on in a persona's head is nobody's business. It's just the way it is.

[falnangel]

I disagree. I watch porn, and all three of the women that I've had long-term relationships with watched porn with me on multiple occasions, always leading to really hot sex afterwards.

Most men look at porn at least once in a while and there is nothing abnormal about it, unless it's something disgusting and illegal involving minors or animals. Cheating is hooking up with a real, live person, not looking at pictures or videos of total strangers. If you're not willing to have sex with him anymore and you won't let him look at porn, then he may feel that he has no choice but to cheat on you with a real woman.

I understand your concerns, but it sounds like you're using your child as an excuse for letting your body go. You should start exercising. It might even out your emotional swings, boost your self-esteem and increase your attractiveness to your husband.

Or you can just lay down the law and waiting for the real cheating and/or inevitable divorce.

Some harsh words, but I agree with you 100%.

These are two pet peeves of mine. And by no means am I directing this towards you (janedoe), don't get me wrong, I'm just stating this for discussion purposes.

Witholding sex from your partner, is basically begging them to stray. I personally, would never think of doing that for a second. Not to mention, it's kind of cruel.

I think it's such a sad excuse for women to gain a bunch of weight just because they have become pregnant. Inevitably, there MUST be some weight gain, but downing whole tubs of ice cream? Really? Not necessary. I've known women on both ends of the scale.

As far as your situation is concerned (janedoe), getting those endorphins moving by working out would be wonderful for your mentality. And in terms of comparing yourself with other women, self confidence can be the sexiest thing you will ever wear. So stand proud in your skin, and your husband will notice, and love it!

[falnangel]

Fantasy cheating.. never heard of it.

[smackie9]

i agree its better than him actually physically doing it with someone else, but when he watches it, hes obviously fantasizing about the other chick.
Wouldn't that be considered as cheating?

He's fantasizes about other women whether he watches porn or not. No one is fathful in their head. People will fantasize about celebrities, singers or their favorite star, it's no different. It's a given that men think of other women, that what men will do, but it doesn't make them a cheater.

[falnangel]

He's fantasizes about other women whether he watches porn or not. No one is fathful in their head. People will fantasize about celebrities, singers or their favorite star, it's no different. It's a given that men think of other women, that what men will do, but it doesn't make them a cheater.

Exactly. Only to act on those fantasies, does the line become crossed into cheaterland.

[Cerby]

i agree its better than him actually physically doing it with someone else, but when he watches it, hes obviously fantasizing about the other chick.
Wouldn't that be considered as cheating?

Only if you live under a rock. Every male watches porn, so your logic would make every man a cheater.

[IndigoGal]

Watching porn is not cheating. Fantasies are just that, fanciful. Honestly I think withholding sex is much more damaging to the relationship. I understand that you feel he might be comparing you to the women he watches, but he obviously loves you, and I'm guessing he doesn't care about a few extra pounds that you put on providing him with a child. I'm a woman and I watch porn sometimes. I see nothing wrong with a little bit of fantasy, especially if you haven't been feeling up to sex as often. He still needs some kind of sexual release, and if he can't have it with you, it's much better for him to get it with a fantasy than a real woman.

I suggest you ignore the people who are saying women use pregnancy and childbirth as an excuse to let their bodies go. Yes, some women do, but I don't think a guy can understand how much all those hormones change not only your emotions, but the way your body handles calories etc. However, getting back into healthy eating and exercise habits probably will make you feel better, both physically and mentally. It can be hard to get out to a gym or go running when you have a toddler, but you might be able to find time to do some fitness or yoga dvds.

[Corgan]

That is not cheating. And Im pretty sure about 98.5% of guys look st some sort of porn.

And as you said, everything else is great with you guys and he loves you?

So, the problem seems to be with you. You're insecure ( every woman is) so you need to find a way to feel better about it, and not just cut your husband off and ignore him. That's not helping anything. try talking to him about it...or maybe try and work on your self-esteem

[janedoe8765]

Thanks for the reply,

Its not like we arent intimate, we are practically 4-5 times a week. i guess its just me, i cant watch porn, ive tried, its weird for me to see somebody else's parts other than my husbands.Maybe because i havent really been with anyone else since we are still a relatively young couple in our twenties. But as for him, he has had many relationships in the past, and since this is his first (hopefully his last relationship) that he is faithful in, im feeling as though watching porn keeps that door open.
And what happens in a person's head should be my business, not all of it obviously, but when it comes to our relationship, im hoping that im the only one he thinks of in that department.

On a side note: my body isn't horrible, i just have alittle extra thickness, im 5'3, 135lbs, just not as petite as those girls.

So according to you guys, as long as he doesnt physically do it with anyone, it isnt considered cheating. Ok i get it. Its still difficult for me to wrap my head around that, guess ill just have to get used to it, and stop being so sensitive. :S

[doppelgaenger]

I'm typing this post with one hand.

[jepjava]

almost all men watch porn starting from teen until old, you question is depends whats in his mind while watching porn, some men watch porn because lack of sex needs on her partner, some men watch porn because they are maniac, some are just watch porn because of curiosity, some watch porn because their cells are very active if they saw different kind of body. some watch porn because they want different situation like for example a rich man and his maid or a doctor and his patient having sex. anyway you can not even know who he is, all i can suggest is love him and let him free what ever makes him happy. and don't forget to seduce him, try to make an imagination sex story while seducing him like you are her nurse and need to sex faster because his wife is coming home. this is like if you eat fried chicken at lunch, you don't want fried chicken again at the evening and fried chicken again tomorrow.