Girlfriend Dated Older Guys

[aenima326]

Hello all, I am new to the forums and sought this place to look for some advice with an issue I have been having:

I am currently 23, and my girlfriend (who is 20) and I have been dating for a little over a month now. I am a recent college graduate, I have two degrees from a competitive university, and I am in the military. As a general statement, I am very confident with myself, my life, my choices, etc., and I consider myself (by no means a Bard Pitt) but nonetheless relatively good looking and in shape. This is not to put my self on a pedestal here, rather it is because recently my personal confidences have been tested by the fact that my girlfriend has dated men much older, (ages 27, 30, and one over 40).

Foremost, our relationship has been excellent. We are both mature beyond our ages (which explains why she would date older men, myself included), and we have taken our relationship at a nice steady but slow pace. Everything is fantastic, she is very caring, considerate, and supportive, and I am reciprocal to all of these.

Recently, our relationship became more intiment as we decided to sleep together for the first time. While everything went well the first time, the second time around I felt disconnected from the "intimacy of the moment," to the point I could no longer sleep with her. This continues to happen, despite my high sexual attraction to her and my over all sex drive.

After careful thought and consideration, it became apparent to me that my problems are stemming from my feelings of discomfort knowing that she has dated much older men. Adding to this is the fact that the first time we dated openly, she stopped dating me to date a manager at her work place whom is 27 and who she works with still, on a regular basis.

I have no fears of her cheating, as I am well aware that this is an issue I need to address personally because it is, for the most part, a problem I am creating mentally. The past is the past, and what is present is my primary concern, which is why I am drawing advice from others.

I want things to continue with this girl, as we do get along very well. But I have an increasingly developed fear of being inadequate in the context of the guys she has dated in the past. I find myself asking the question, "Where do I fit into this?" ...I don't see that I do, and it does not help that I notice on a regular basis her attraction for older men.

That being said, does anyone have any advice or experience on this matter? I realize "now is now" and "then was then," but I also have to accept the reality this is an issue affecting me, as well as the progression of my relationship with this girl. At the moment, I feel "stuck" at a certain level of intimacy because of this.

Thanks in advance for any help.

[smackie9]

Talk to her about it. If you can't be open with her, you won't have much of a relationship down the road.

[aenima326]

I have talked to her about it, and we are both very open with each other. We have good talks, and can do so avoiding any fighting. But in the end, talking to her about it does not necessarily solve my problem. It is more or less an admittance of a problem, with the reality she can do nothing to change her past. When we spoke, she confirmed that she likes me for me, and I don't think she is lying. As I said, the problem is on my end, and I don't feel there is much for her to do beyond continually reaffirming her interest in me, which is something she shouldn't have to do. Anyone with some advice beyond "talk to her"?

[smackie9]

This goes beyond saying, stop thinking about it, or talk about it, or forget about it. Try therapy. maybe you have a mild form of anxiety.

[aenima326]

Anyone with advice that is not cliché or anecdotal?

I'll juxtapose your signature here to my own words; I am looking for someone with experience or advice, not someone to point out obvious truths. I obviously would not be posting here if I could so easily "flip a switch" and have this issue inside my head go away. It is more complicated than that, though I wish it wasn't.

[VincenzoG91]

You should invent a time machine so you can travel back in time and change her past. Or get over it. Or get therapy. Or break up with her. Those are your choices, and you have to admit, at least one of them isn't a cliché.

[aenima326]

Thank you Vincenzo, but what I am looking for it not a list of options. I am well aware of my choices, and I made it clear I do wish to continue dating her, which of course includes "getting over it." I am inquiring more to the "how" versus the "what to do." That being said, I am by no means incompetent. I have been keeping positive and tried to mentally "rearrange" myself to allow for myself to be more "at ease"... but at the end of the day I am still burdened by this. Perhaps someone has ideas or experience in matters similar... perhaps not?


P.S. - If I used the time machine to go back in time to change her past, there would have never been any point for me to go back in time in the first place. Hence an impossibility of event-based time travel.

[VincenzoG91]

If it's any consolation, you are getting older every day. The longer you are together, the more she will be attracted to you. Try to change your negative self-talk into something positive.

[smackie9]

I'm 47....I've been with my husband for over 21 years, had two long term relationships before him, had many sexual experiences and short term relationships, grew up in a family of alcoholics with mental illness, was sexually abused, lost my father and uncle to lung cancer, and now I'm dealing with the diagnosis of breast cancer....I hope that's enough experience for you. Feeling inadequate over your GF being with older men? You are just in love. When we get all in love our brain starts to go into overdrive...things make us jealous, and we compare ourselves to the previous suitors. Give it about two to 6 months. If it still hangs over you just as bad, seek out a few counseling sessions to get a professional's prognosis. Seeking out therapy doesn't make you a crazy nut job.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

That's where you're wrong Vincenzo. In 10 years she's going to want a young, inexperienced boy to take under her wing and crack the whip on. She likes the "teacher/student" type of dynamic.

[HeartIsAching]

Anyone with advice that is not cliché or anecdotal?

I'll juxtapose your signature here to my own words; I am looking for someone with experience or advice, not someone to point out obvious truths. I obviously would not be posting here if I could so easily "flip a switch" and have this issue inside my head go away. It is more complicated than that, though I wish it wasn't.

Do you seriously want a solution, or are you looking for validation for your own ideas?

You've got security issues. You need to do some self-evaluation and figure out why. If you can't figure out why on your own, perhaps some professional help might be in order. I know the military has therapy available to you - I did 8 years in the Army and got out when you were in first grade.

[aenima326]

@ smackie,

I did not mean experience in terms of general life experience, but more so directly with a situation like my own. I too could write a list of the things I've been through, of which 98% of 23 year olds have not. I certainly like this girl, but by no means do I 'love her.' I am very well aware of what love is and what it feels like, and I am certainly not there yet. And I dont see therapy as making me a "crazy nut job," however I do like to rely primarily on self-help before throwing myself up to doctors and specialists. I would consider myself very normal. This is the first problem I've dealt with in a very long time, and in my experience, I have learned talking through and about things affords the best results. I appreciate your advice, but as I said, I was looking for something more direct.

[aenima326]

Do you seriously want a solution, or are you looking for validation for your own ideas?

You've got security issues. You need to do some self-evaluation and figure out why. If you can't figure out why on your own, perhaps some professional help might be in order. I know the military has therapy available to you - I did 8 years in the Army and got out when you were in first grade.

I seriously want a means to a solution, rather than being told what ends are available. "Get help," "get over it," "dump her," aren't really solutions as they are just options. Admittedly, and as I said, I feel partially insecure with the guys she has dated. But I think the fact I have never had this issue in my past warrants so credit. I already did the self-evaluation, thats what my first post pointed out. To sum: I like a girl, but I feel uncomfortable with where I "fit in" given she generally dates older guys. I've located the problem, I know its source, and came here to ask for advice on how to move past this fear and insecurity.

[VincenzoG91]

You're dwelling on a negative concept, that she generally dates older guys. In anger management class, I learned that I was dwelling on negative thoughts, nursing grudges before my next outburst. While you probably don't have an anger management problem, you are still doing the same thing, obsessing over negative thoughts. You can try staying busy, too busy to worry about those negative thoughts. Or you can try to find more positive interpretations of the facts, and choose to focus on those positive aspects instead of the negative ones. Instead of thinking, "she generally dates older guys," think "she used to date older guys, but now she is with me. Because she wants to be with me."

[HeartIsAching]

I seriously want a means to a solution, rather than being told what ends are available. "Get help," "get over it," "dump her," aren't really solutions as they are just options. Admittedly, and as I said, I feel partially insecure with the guys she has dated. But I think the fact I have never had this issue in my past warrants so credit. I already did the self-evaluation, thats what my first post pointed out. To sum: I like a girl, but I feel uncomfortable with where I "fit in" given she generally dates older guys. I've located the problem, I know its source, and came here to ask for advice on how to move past this fear and insecurity.

No, that's not the cause. Your insecurity is the cause. What is making you insecure? It's something in your past, not something now. Have a highly critical mother that constantly made you feel as if you had to earn her love, and that nothing you ever did would be good enough to do so? It's not uncommon - I did. Trust me, there's something there that is causing your insecurity. It's HARD to grow up and get past that insecurity, and sometimes you need help. I'm not saying this as a pat answer, I'm talking from personal experience. To be ok with somebody else, you have to be ok with yourself first.

I'm not trying to be a prick, I'm trying to get you to face reality. Eventually it pays off, I swear. My wife and I have a near-perfect relationship, because we've both come through the fire, we both had things to learn that would've killed our relationship deader'n disco if we hadn't first.