Girlfriend Dated Older Guys

[aenima326]

No, that's not the cause. Your insecurity is the cause. What is making you insecure? It's something in your past, not something now. Have a highly critical mother that constantly made you feel as if you had to earn her love, and that nothing you ever did would be good enough to do so? It's not uncommon - I did. Trust me, there's something there that is causing your insecurity. It's HARD to grow up and get past that insecurity, and sometimes you need help. I'm not saying this as a pat answer, I'm talking from personal experience. To be ok with somebody else, you have to be ok with yourself first.

I'm not trying to be a prick, I'm trying to get you to face reality. Eventually it pays off, I swear. My wife and I have a near-perfect relationship, because we've both come through the fire, we both had things to learn that would've killed our relationship deader'n disco if we hadn't first.

I have been cheated on in my past, multiple times. 2 years ago I did get out of a serious relationship (she cheated), and yes, it was very painful but also a part of life. As I mentioned in the original post, I think the problem stems from the fact that our first dating experience ended when she decided to become exclusive with another guy who was 26, and when this ended, she was casually seeing a 40 year old. Then randomly she showed up on my doorstep looking for something casual. This did not last long, as we both developed feelings for one another. (I will add, her last long term relationship, a year ago, ended in her being cheated on. So she has been dealing with that, and has done a fairly good job from my point of view.) I am happy we began seeing each other again, but questions are certainly stemming from this idea that, "before she chose someone else, and this someone else happened to be older... just like everyone else she has ever dated."

As I said, I appreciate your advice. But I feel as if I am very much so facing reality. I would argue most would revert to anger and jealousy, and point their fingers at their girlfriend. I, on the other hand, have admitted that this is an issue I need to deal with, and moreover, it is an issue I want to deal with because I do like and care for this girl. Of course, me being 23 makes me sound very young, I realize this, but I do have a very good grasp on things, particularly this situation. I know what's going on, I am just trying to find a way to not just cope with it, but move past it.

That being said, I think Vince has some credible advice. I think a combination of stress and other externalities have fueled my anxiety over this problem. Keeping positive, and translating potentially bad thoughts into profitable and progressive good thoughts will certainly help, and this I have been doing. I need to find my confidence again, particularly when it comes to 'the bed.' Oddly, I have never had any problems or complaints, my sexual life has always been fantastic, but now this inferior notion has transcended into the bedroom. This is the first girl since my last relationship (of 3 years) who I legitimately connect with, and it is a very mutual connection. I guess I am just indefinitely fearful of over hedging my emotions and care into a girl whom is going to compare me to all of the older guys she has dated. Perhaps I just feel pressure of having to 'live up' to them, even though consistently they have all cheated on her or been low-lives. *Laughing* It truly is ridiculous I have this fear of being compared, I am a good guy, well rounded, and she clearly likes me. Its just frustrating that when things get intimate with her... shit hits the fan inside my head.

[HeartIsAching]

Ok, so what you are doing is called "Fortune Telling". You're imagining what might happen due to your past experiences - what you need to do is ask yourself what your evidence is. If you've got no evidence, then you need to tell yourself that. If you DO have evidence, you need to examine how reliable that evidence is. Use the rules of evidence used in a court of law - is it hear-say, meaning it's something that somebody else said they heard or witnessed? Is it first-hand? Have you caught her in a lie? If not, then it's an issue you can talk yourself out of. If you have evidence, real evidence, then you've got something to be concerned about and decide how you want to proceed.

[aenima326]

@HeartisAching,

I completely agree and wish more people would do this more often. Yes, my past effects me, as it does anyone else. But I have been VERY careful in letting it obstruct me. I would never hold what one ex "did do" over what my current girlfriend "could do." I don't believe this girl would cheat, and I am actually very secure with the fact she both likes me and is and will remain loyal. I'm guessing this is more of a combination of my (1) insecurity and (2) that self-protection mechanism everyone has. I feel less compared to these guys, and in feeling less, I fear yielding to intimacy will, in the long run, hurt me. Certainly a degree of foreshadowing, but less involved with "evidence" and more so just emotions I need to control.

[HeartIsAching]

Gonna have to disagree with part of your post here - men in particular do far too much "controlling" of their emotions. Instead you should expand your emotional vocabulary, self-examine and determine what emotions you're really feeling. Once you identify the specific emotions, you'll have a much clearer idea of WHY you feel the way you do and will be on your way to accepting and embracing those emotions.

I'll give you an example. This is one that happened to me with my (then) 5 year old son. We lived on a busy 4 lane street. One day on our way home from a bike ride, instead of turning the corner and heading up the street towards home, he went straight and off the curb, heading straight into traffic. I leaped off my bike caught him and swung him up onto the curb, and STARTED to go ballistic on him... then I suddenly realized that I wasn't really angry, what I was REALLY feeling was fear. I was frightened for my son's life, and the way we (men especially) make this acceptable to ourselves is to express it as rage - anger is almost always fear in disguise, BTW. Anyhow, what I realized was that I wasn't really angry, I was scared, and that the reason for the fear was gone - my son was standing safe on the sidewalk. Once I realized that, the anger went away. I had no reason for it.

Start understanding what you're really feeling, and you'll be far better equipped to cope.

A couple of links that may be helpful:

[URL="http://www.parentingbookmark.com/pages/Vocabulary.htm"]Emotional Vocabulary[/URL]

[URL="http://eqi.org/elit.htm"]Emotional Literacy[/URL]

[aenima326]

I think, unless you disagree, that I have made it clear. Using your links: I feel significantly inferior (to the older guys she has dated) and fairly insecure (that I can compete with them), thus translating to my personal inability to become more intimate with her. I've made this clear already though. I accept these as my current emotional state, and am still seeking other means (knowing it will take more than one) to subvert them or reduce their affect on me.

[HeartIsAching]

Hey, if you don't want to do the work and figure it out, fine.

[smackie9]

When I was in my teens I only dated older guys too. The oldest was 25 and I was 18. I did it because I could, and it wasn't for the sexual experience. It was an ego boost, and it made me feel mature.

I will tell you this, just because they are older doesn't mean they are any better in bed. Age cannot be used as a gauge for sexual performance I will tell you that from my experiences.

*note: when I got to the age of 24, I went backwards and dated 19-20 year olds. I was lookin for fun and energy.....it was good times I might add. Just before I turned 26 I met my husband, he just turn 20 2 weeks before we went on out first date....we are still together 21 years later.

So instead of talking about how you feel about her past, why not ask her what made her interested in dating those guys......I bet none of it has to do with age or experience. She just probably just found them attractive, just like she finds you attractive.

One thing I discovered when I started college. When you become part of the adult world, age is irrelevant.

[smackie9]

If anything, I suggest you just spend more quality time with her, share your dreams, your deepest secrets, share everything....when you have a deeper connection you will be more secure in your relationship. Best of luck.

[aenima326]

Hey, if you don't want to do the work and figure it out, fine.

I'm sorry... what is with the attitude? I just "did the work," I have "figured it out," and I've made it clear in my posts before. If you can't understand what I am saying, that is on you.

When I was in my teens I only dated older guys too. The oldest was 25 and I was 18. I did it because I could, and it wasn't for the sexual experience. It was an ego boost, and it made me feel mature.

I will tell you this, just because they are older doesn't mean they are any better in bed. Age cannot be used as a gauge for sexual performance I will tell you that from my experiences.

*note: when I got to the age of 24, I went backwards and dated 19-20 year olds. I was lookin for fun and energy.....it was good times I might add. Just before I turned 26 I met my husband, he just turn 20 2 weeks before we went on out first date....we are still together 21 years later.

So instead of talking about how you feel about her past, why not ask her what made her interested in dating those guys......I bet none of it has to do with age or experience. She just probably just found them attractive, just like she finds you attractive.

One thing I discovered when I started college. When you become part of the adult world, age is irrelevant.

Thank you for the advice and the story. 26 and 20 is much more reasonable than 40 and 20. I find that just a bit odd... but your point still stands. I should talk to her and ask her specifically what made them viable for her to date, or perhaps just accept she had her reasons then, and hows new reasons to date me now.

[Cblake36]

hmmmm........I have learned one thing man.................when you start to have strange doubt or uncomfortable feelings.....................there is a reason for it.............face it quickly..........this is why I dont ask about the past............it can screw with ya...........let it boil down ot one thing..............DO YOU TRUST HER? that is what you must answer.............if you do not............you better face this.............it wont go away..........

[aenima326]

If anything, I suggest you just spend more quality time with her, share your dreams, your deepest secrets, share everything....when you have a deeper connection you will be more secure in your relationship. Best of luck.

Smackie, would you recommend holding off with sleeping with her? I feel that I need to develop a higher level of comfort with her, knowing for certain she is interested in staying with me. Perhaps that would levitate my anxiety.

[HeartIsAching]

You hear, but you don't listen. Not my problem.

[aenima326]

You hear, but you don't listen. Not my problem.

OR you just do not like that I am not falling 100% in line with what you are saying... "Once you identify the specific emotions, you'll have a much clearer idea of WHY you feel the way you do and will be on your way to accepting and embracing those emotions." I have done this. You want what emotions I'm claiming to have to be a facade, as if they are representing something deeper and more meaningful.... I have made clear how I feel, and why I feel that way. If you disagree, I'd like you to point out where I have not done this... I promise you, it will be difficult.

Please, remove yourself from this thread if this is your only course of discourse.

[surfer808]

I think what you are doing is unattractive behavior. The only way to "get over" it resides in you as you said yourself. Insecurity and jealousy have the opposite effect of what you want. I wouldn't even talk to her about it anymore. You should have left the past in the past. If you really like her, you need to just focus on that and stop obsessing. ezr said than done. I have done the same as you and asked about stuff I didn't want to hear. I did eventually get over it, just took time, but I wish I wouldn't have gone there in the first place. A complete waste of time.

[aenima326]

Surfer, excellent point. I agree, deal with this on my side. Asking her will just open the possibility of new worries and fears. Appreciate it.