Parents disapproves of my girlfriend BIG time!!!

[jediknight4ever]

Hey everyone I'll keep the story as short as possible.

I'm 28 Chinese, only child living at home with parents who are very traditional.
Migrated with parents to Australia since I was 8 years old and have been living in Sydney
ever since. I speak (1)English and Mandarin. My parents speak minimal English.

My girlfriend is 28 Vietnamese, She's been in Australia since she was 11. Her dad
disappeared/ran away when she was 7 years old and hasn't been seen since. She came to
Australia with her mum and lives with her grandparents and aunty. She has a strained
relationship with her mum and doesn't speak Mandarin. She speaks (1)English, Vietnamese
and Cantonese.

She's more independent than I am, I'm still more or less of a momma's boy.
We've been friends for almost 2 months b4 we started dating, it's been 3 months now.
I met her thru a social gathering function.

I've had an incling that my mum doesn't like her when she came over for bike riding
and table tennis (when we were just friends) so I lied about a road trip during Easter
that I took my girlfriend on to the outback saying that I'm going out on a road trip with
my high school friends (all guys). Because if they'd knew they would never have allow me to go.
But they found out through my ill-considered plan and all hell broke loss.

They want me to end the relationship immediately, saying she's brainwashed me, she's not
good/compatible for me. She's selfish, inconsiderate and can't speak Mandarin, it's like
having a foreigner as a daughter-in-law. Her family is messed up and not normal,
what if you two have kids and then she runs away like her dad. And other irrational
presumptions that I won't mention.

They say they'll disown me, sell the house and move back to China if I don't break up with
her. They can't accept the fact that she did not grow up in a normal family surrounding.
The main reasion they think she's selfish is because the road trip took longer than we
anticipated. So we spent 4 days of the 5 days Easter long weekend outside b4 we came back.

I was dating other girls when we were just friends, but she asked me to be exclusive with
her which I happily obliged to do, my parents ask me why I don't like the other girls who
are Chinese and can speak Mandarin, I say I don't click with them the way I do with her.

I've asked them to have lunch together with her but my parents refused, saying there's no
need. My dad hasn't even met her yet, my mum's only seen her one time and says she's got
a small head (which she does) but I like her not for her looks but her personality brains and wit.
If I am a Sheldon Cooper then she'd be as close to the female version of that, just like Elaine
and Jerry Seinfeld but not that so similar that it's freaky.

I think I've listed enough stuff for now, I really like my girlfriend and don't want to
leave her, but my parents are driving me crazy, their ideal girlfriend would be someone
who can speak Mandarin and who's parents are not divorced. It's really affecting my
relationship with her. I know they mean no harm and are just been very protective of me.

But are my parents over-reacting? What should and shouldn't I do?

Thanks for reading
So bloody stressed

[Saya]

First of all, I feel so sorry for you.
Hmm, this is really hard since your parents are really strict and very traditional.
You haven't gone out with her for long time and your mum is judging her so much and thinking way too much into the future..
Your mum is over reacting and judging your gf way too much!! She really need to get to know her better.
Hmm, if your mum likes girls who speaks Mandarin then maybe your gf can learn to speak Mandarin?
Maybe ask your gf over to your house for lunch and your parents can get to know her better?

[HeartIsAching]

So your parents are racist, controlling and are using threats and coercion to interfere in your personal life. Call their bluff. Next time they say they're going to sell the house and move back to China, say "Go for it."

[sadie_genie]

Your parents need to chill. I bet they are bluffing when they said they will disown you. But even if they will do that...so what? You are 28, you should have graduated from school and have a job by now. So, why are you so worried about them disowning you? You are not a child.

[pisces25]

IMO parents should love their children unconditionally. If I was you I'd remain firm that you want to be with your GF and request they respect your wishes. Unfortunately (but not in all cases) mums tend to be protective of their sons and she would probably have a problem with any girl you chose, regardless of race there would always be something because no one is good enough for her 'little boy'. I don't really know what advice to offer sorry. All I would do if I was you is continue to reiterate your position and hope that they come around. It isn't a nice position to be in but can you live your life based on your parents wishes and not your own?

[im_a_fool]

My father has disowned me....4 times. Seriously, he disliked a lot of the decisions I have made but he came to accept that it was my decision as an adult. I understand your traditions are different than ours in the US, however, one has to take this seriously...Do you love her? Do you see a long life with her? Is she worth risking your relationship with your parents in any way?

[jediknight4ever]

I can't say that I love her, but I'm falling in love and I do see a future with her
Funny how you mentioned strict Saya because my name in Chinese does actually mean strict.
But I'm totally opposite of that, really carefree and likes to joke around
Is she worth my relationship with my parents? That's a hard question to answer
She's a very logical, reasonable, smart and considerate person, my parents are very
old fashioned, always talking about the Cultural Revolution and how lucky I am now.
And how they weren't allowed to go for a trip by just the two of them when they were dating.

I'm not so stressed now, it can either go one way or the other, there are no alternate universe.
Like Liu Kang said "Every man is responsible for his own destiny"

[MaidenMinx]

If your parents are very traditional, I wouldn't take their threat to disown you too lightly. Yes they are overreacting and being irrational. Which is why I would hesitate to follow the advice of people telling you to call their bluff.

On a side note, my mums gf is from Laos and has been here in Aus about 20 years. I can't remember what we were talking about but all of a sudden she was saying "noooo they're not Asian" in reference to Chinese people. There were only a few of countries (Laos and Vietnam being 2 of them) that she accepted as properly Asian. Sure she was mostly joking but I got the distinct impression there was a kernel of truth there. I was honestly surprised by her attitude. It sounds like your parents are of the same but opposite opinion.

I am sorry for your situation, and have no real advice for you.

[sookie6]

you are 28...which in any culture is an age of reason...

If it can help you my young neighbour let his mother pick his wife. They are now divorced with one very young child...proof that parents don't always know more or better.

[Boisdevie]

You are 28 years old and still living at home? Perhaps that's why your parents think they can dominate you becuase you're not acting like an adult. Why not move out, get your own place and live your own life? And then your parents to stop interfering with your life.

[jediknight4ever]

Thank you all for responding, even though I'm 28 already, I'm still very much a momma's boy.
All of this stress has contributed in me lossing my current job, to which I have told no one of.
Nothing has changed since 2 months ago, my parents are trying to set me up with daughters of our relative's friends

I've met one of them just for the sake of meeting her, my girlfriend doesn't know this because
I don't want her to be even more disappointment at my parents. Now this girl is 4 years younger than me,
came here to study her Masters and have been in Australia for half a year. She speaks jack all english,
I have to converse with her in Chinese which is a struggle at times. I don't feel any attraction towards her,
though her parents are good friends with my aunty and uncle. Her family is quite well off and has multiple properties
in China.

Now my parents are trying to get me to go out with her again. I told them I'm not interested in her because her
facial features are quite odd. That's not enough, they think I'm only putting her off because of my gf. I asked her
if she likes Australia, she says not really, she prefers China. But no her parents likes Australia and if I court her
more, she might actually think about staying here. Does this sound ever so familiar to you?

The main reason my parents want me to break up with my gf is because of her non-conventional upbringing
her dad ran away when she was only 7 years old, due to family pressure. Her mum has an illness and could not
take care of her, so her mum re-married and had her stay with her grandparents.

I don't know how to break the news to my parents, I'm 100% certain that they will blame my girlfriend
for my job loss and tell me to not go out with her. Of course I will find another job, it's only a matter of time.
I feel like I'm walking down this dead end road and just want to give up.

Yours Sincerely
Ge

[Henry123]

Some parents takes awhile to accept that their son/daughter is dating out of ther own ethnicity or race.
It may be the case.

[Henry123]

She speaks jack all english,
I have to converse with her in Chinese which is a struggle at times. I don't feel any attraction towards her,
though her parents are good friends with my aunty and uncle.

Yours Sincerely
Ge

Good enough reason to tell your parents this.

Maybe bring home (pretend) another girl and see how your parents react to that. Especially if she is totally from another race or ethnicty. (get a female friend to play this role) It may change their mind quickly.
Worst case scenario tell them your gay. Then they are going to wish for your girlfriend back.


Sometimes in life you cant please your parents no matter what. If you let go your girlfriend, would one day when you look back at your life would you regret it? It can haunt you. Ultimately its your life. You need to work on being more assertive. These types of things with parents happen with alot of people not just you of course.

[bulrush]

This sounds like a culture clash to me. Your parents have their culture. I think by being controlling, they are trying to get you out of the house, on your own, without saying that and hurting your feelings.

In the US, it is our custom that if you live with your parents, and don't pay any bills, you abide by their rules. If you pay half the bills, then you can make your own rules. Act like an adult, and you get to have your own life.

I think it's time to find another job, wait 6 months to make sure the job is stable, then move out. Save up your money.

[vashti]

If you pay half the bills, then you can make your own rules. .

I don't think this is an American tradition. If you want to make up your own rules, you have to be completely independent.