Jealousy/ Can't let go of her past

[snowboardiver]

Hi guys, I have been driving myself crazy for over a year now, and I finally decided that I need to get some help/advice from someone that might have experience with this.

I have been dating my partner for 1.5years now and I know she loves me very much (she is almost a little obsessed, but it doesn't lead to any problems!).
She didn't have a crazy, drug-filled, or sex-filled past, I know she's only had sex with about 4 other ppl, and I KNOW that she doesn't 'miss them' or 'think about them', or 'want them back'... she wants to be with me, and she doesn't even want to talk about her exes, but for some reason I CAN"T LET GO OF HER PAST.
I don't know a lot about her exes and don't know them, but one of them lives really close to where we live and when I am outside walking, I find myself looking around for 'him', even though I don't know what he looks like. I have these 'memories' of my gf and her ex, of them having sex in hotels (as they are both Asian, and sex before marriage is usually still a taboo, so younger ppl resort to hotel and motels) and it drives me crazy. I guess I associate it with 'quicky's and one night stands, even though my gf has never done that, and I know there is nothing wrong with wanting to be close, but unfortunately not having a place to do that.

I have gone through my gf's stuff and got 'rid off' all the things she got from exes, letters, presents, etc etc.. and she let me do it.. that's how much she cares about ME and does not care about THEM.
Whenever we fight, I bring up one of her exes, and I know I shouldn't, but I do.
I am jealous of her past and it drives me crazy and I think about them for A LOT of the time during my day, and I know I sound really crazy, but I would like to think that I am not.
Even when using her laptop, I search for possible pictures, or documents that have to do with her exes, even though I KNOW they are not in touch anymore, and she doesn't want to be.

Here is the thing' I TRUST HER COMPLETELY and I KNOW SHE LOVES ME, but for some reason her past drives me insane.. just hearing her exes names, or imagining her having 'memories' with them drives me crazy. I get anxious and my heart starts beating fast, I feel sick to my stomach and I have trouble holding my tongue.
Even during sex sometimes, I think about her and her ex, and can't concentrate on what I am doing.

I know this makes me sound CRAZY and it's SUPER unrealistic and NOT FAIR, but I think the only thing that would make me feel better and would help me let go ofher past, would be if she wouldn't have any memories of them or their time together (they were both long term relationships). This is just crazy, and I am hoping someone can help me and guide me in the right direction.

[Boisdevie]

You need therapy

[JadenMia]

I agree with what has been said..

You have extreme self esteem issues, and sounds like a lot of anxiety also. Why are you so bothered about her past? Did you expect her to go through her llife and not have met anybody before you?? You are never going to meet someone who doesnt have past experiences. And may i add, past experience (not too much) is a good thing.
If you loved her and truly DID trust her, this wouldnt be an issue at all. You went through all her belongings to get rid of her things? That sounds controlling if you ask me. She is with YOU.. If she didnt want you, or didnt think you matched up, she wouldnt be with you for this long.
Give the girl a break and just love her and concentrate on your relationship. If you act jealous and crazy like you are doing, you are going to push her away.. Believe me. SHe sounds like she is with you and happy, so why are you ruining it by being a nuisance?

I was with my ex for about 2 years. He was so jealous like this it started to get annoying after a while. He would go on and on and on about it until i stopped listening and he started to push me away.. I had enough and broke up with him. If you love her, dont let this happen over some stupid insecurities that YOU have.

[Dune]

Dude relax.. You obviously cannot stop her from having previous relationships with other guys. That's just ridiculous. I mean back then, you haven't even met her yet. Sure, she's gotten into a couple of relationships before you but hey, you can treat it as if that's how she got herself to you. In retrospect, she probably wants to be with you and is so happy with you and loves you so much because when she makes comparisons of you with her exes, you probably blow them away! Explains how she doesn't give a damn about her exes and hell, she even let you rummage through her past love letters and other stuff and allow you to feel free to throw them away?! That's totally OUT with the old and IN with the you.

If a girl allows that and does so much for you, what does it say about YOU? Think for a second. Thus far, your relationship with her sounds perfectly smooth and free of problems. Anything MORE you can ask for? The only thing making you jealous is that you can't let go. You have to. It's not healthy to hold on to her exes! LOL this is funny I'm sorry, but you're holding on to HER exes.. Dude.. She's let go.. Have YOU?

You need a lil work on your self esteem. Hopefully once this department gets a boost, you'll start to let things go. Don't see any other way.. Unless you wanna build a time machine.

My apologies if I sounded mean. It just gets to me how you let something this small ruin your game. Man up!

[Nicholas_V]

Obviously, if you keep this up you are going to become the next "ex" farily soon. Every time you feel like this, take a deep breath and count to 10 before you speak another word.

[FudgeSociety]

Man I feel you. I feel everything you feel. And I know what your problem is. You have low self esteem and fear that her exes were "better" than you. But I learned to keep these feelings to myself, don't let her know you think about them anymore. I know it absolutely will kill you inside, but you just have to. Everybody has a past, and I did too. Me and my girlfriend have had the same amount of previous partners. So basically I've had my dick in other women and she has had other dicks in her. It's the same thing for both sides. My girlfriend hates hearing abut my exes and I don't like hearing about hers. That's just an alpha male/female type thing. The best thing for you to do is to focus on the fact that she is with YOU and not THEM. There are reasons she chose you over them, so keep this in mind before you feel any type of jealousy.

[John Littlejohn]

I think the only thing that would make me feel better and would help me let go of her past, would be if she wouldn't have any memories of them or their time together.

No it wouldn't. You're a classic control freak. You're so controlling, you want to control what she remembers. People like that aren't satisfied with the control they've achieved; they always want more.

The reason is that she is not the cause of your jealousy issues. Your complete lack of self-esteem is. Your unfathomable insecurity is. The problem is you, not her, and therefore there is nothing that she can do to address this problem, including magically purging all her memories. You'd just obsess about something else then--- the possibility of her bumping into an ex on the street who hasn't forgotten her, probably. So you'd still keep her at home and not let her go outside.

It's good that you recognize that you sound crazy. You do. What you need to recognize is that it's your crazy, not hers. YOU need to work on this, not her. This problem is pretty extreme with you; I think you're probably going to need professional counseling. Find a good therapist. Shop around and ask questions, but find one. Otherwise, this relationship will fail (I would have given you the boot for even suggesting that you have the right to throw MY stuff in the bin!) and so will every relationship you ever have.

[VincenzoG91]

OP, not only should you seek therapy, but you should break up with this woman and stay single until you get your head straight. Right now, you are mentally and emotionally incapable of handling a relationship with a real person.

[Saya]

Does this happen to you with every relationship?
This isn't healthy... you really need to get help.
I mean, everyone does think about all these things and go through similar things as well, but not constantly like you do.
Do you stop her from going out with her friends? Do you stop her from having male friends/hanging out with them or stop her from talking to her male friends?
If you don't change then your gf will probably leave you.

[Gratedwasabi]

OP, not only should you seek therapy, but you should break up with this woman and stay single until you get your head straight. Right now, you are mentally and emotionally incapable of handling a relationship with a real person.

This. You're damaging yourself and her by being in this relationship. You need to tell her that, be on your own and get therapy. Your behavior and thought process is messed up.

[Sean89]

I do understand your problem, for I have experienced it myself. Not to that extent, but it was a strange situation nonetheless. And I went through alot of what you are going through now.
After I realized that I was a control freak, I thought about why I actually was, and came to the conclusion it was low self-esteem. The fear of not being good enough for her makes you want to, in your case, "erase" her memories about her exes so she only sees you (so you can't be compared with someone else).

Just keep in mind that she is with you because you have something her exes didn't have, try to trust her 101% and never take your relationship for granted. Give her all the freedom she needs, everything else will push her away.

Good luck and all the best mate.

[freakyfresh]

Your paranoid and jelouse. I know because i've been in your situation before. I know it hurts, and to be quite honest, i'm suprised you haven't learnt to move on from her past after a year and a half of being with her. I'm going to be straight with you, my Ex girlfriend's past bothered me a lot, sometimes thinking about it now still bothers me. But truth is... everybody has a past. Be it dirty, bad or damn right disgusting, everybody does.

But you really have got a keeper, she's letting you throw away her Ex's stuff? Dude? Isn't that some sort of sign that she cares about you a lot? I know it hurts but you've got to try your hardest to move on from it!!! She's with you now! Not her Ex's! Be proud that she's got a past... if she didn't, what do you think would happen? She'd be intrigued to try new things. Try your best to forget it and don't bring it up... if you can't, then respect her and yourself and break up with her. But you can do it... i did! Think about it, let it her you, but get over it by yourself... not by involving her!