I may have spurned somone I wanted.

[Darren]

First, I am going to say that we both are 41 years old.

I am kind of the shy type. She isn't.

She is far above average good looking. Not for her age but for any age. Without trying to sound stuck on myself I guess some may say that about me also.

That being said I don't have a crush on her. It is more physical and the hope to go out with someone like her.

However, every time I've seen her she came on too strong for me. Always looking me directly in the eyes saying "hello" and giving me "choosing signals". I'm not used to women being that nice to me and didn't know how to handle it. This had messed me up for 2 or 3 months. She's also a barmaid and I know one of the rules of dating is stay away from barmaids and strippers. I suspect she was also a stripper.

She is 41 years old and been bartending for 20 years. Got pregnant at 18. Hypersexual in speech and her interests. I know, all are big red flags.

Well, after much thought I finally decided to talk to her last week. I went into the bar and had a short conversation with her and she was interested in me and I didn't know how to handle it. Things went along pretty good I thought. She really wanted me to come back and see her again.

The next day I went back and she was too busy so I decided to talk to her again the next day she worked which was 5 days later.

5 days later I sat down ( I eat soup there and don't drink often) and she didn't greet me. No hello or nothing. She averted her eyes while walking past me and was just quick and polite when I tried to speak to her.

The next day, yesterday, the same thing. I was there for an hour and we talked but she no longer had interest in me. I had to inninate every conversation. However, at least she was nice.

Anyone know what may have happened? Did the length of time between when I visited her make her feel her advances were spurned?

Perhaps being so hot and working in a bar for two decades she is used to guys "picking her up" right away?

It is no longer a big deal to me anymore but I'd like to take a shot at turning this around.

Please advise.

[KelE]

I'd say just be cool about it. If it ends up seeming like she's playing games, then just don't bother with it. She may like flirting till she gets the attention, then cool it off. I know that seems wacky, so if that's the case that's why I say just let it go. She might be a piece of work.

[Darren]

An old attention whore, perhaps?

She is throwing a sex toy party Monday at the bar. lol (yep that is right)

Thanks, KelE.

She has had me messed up in my head for about 3 months now despite my only speaking to her 5 or 6 times. Until this month I only went to her bar about 3 times a month.

Another thing I must add is that she lives in the house that I recently moved out of and a package was sent there by mistake in December. This was the first time I ever spoke to her. Never had the desire to.

I went there to pick it up the package and she tried to get me into bed with her. She turned up the sheets and laid there asking me to come in and talk. Now you see why my head went crazy. I declined. She had been drinking. That never happened before.

Please keep the advise coming!

I need to get this out of my head! lol Please analyze this situation for me!

[MerryH]

An old attention whore, perhaps?

You really don't think highly of her, do you. They way you talk about her is pretty disrespectful. It's almost like you're saying, "Why won't this slutty girl **** me? After all, she was probably a stripper, she got pregnant at 18, she's worked in bars for 20 years, and she throws sex toy parties! She should totally be letting me bone her. What's her problem?" I'm sure that's a huge exaggeration, but I don't think you could honestly argue that something like this hasn't gone through your mind once or twice.

And she's a bartender/waitress/whatever. It's her job to be friendly and nice to people. And maybe when she's not busy, she likes to give some extra attention to the quiet shy guy who comes into the bar alone and eats soup. Are you sure you didn't misinterpret her behavior toward you? I think this happens a lot.

I mean, maybe she did come on to you before. But then if she sensed that you're scared shitless of her because she has the audacity to look you in the eye and say hello (?! So weird that this messed you up for months. This is such a normal thing that humans do) that very likely could have made her lose interest.

So, I guess if you want to sleep with her, then go into the bar when it's not going to be busy, have some drinks, buy her some drinks, flirt and be charming and hilarious and interesting, stay until she gets off work, then ask her if she wants to get something to eat/go back to your place or whatever.

[sookie6]

you make many assumptions about her based on her profession and past and outside manners.

I'm sure that deep inside she is hoping she'll meet someone decent an who will respect her.

If you are not interested in her as a person, don't use her.

[Darren]

you make many assumptions about her based on her profession and past and outside manners.

I'm sure that deep inside she is hoping she'll meet someone decent an who will respect her.

If you are not interested in her as a person, don't use her.

Thank you for the above.

Reading over my posts, I see I used some strong unfair words to describe her. "Attention whore" is the only term I've known to describe someone who needs attention from someone, they get it then dump them and move on to someone else then repeat. I don't know what else to call it.

When I finally approached her at the bar last week I did so under after much thought. The final assumption was that her past was her past. Since she was 41 maybe she was willing to settle down with someone, which is what I am willing to do now. Her days of a "player" party girl were over and she was looking for a change. I was hoping that her attraction to me (perceived or not) and signals she was sending off would lead to this. I am looking for a good friend and partner. The good looks would have been a bonus.

I let her know through Facebook that her sexpot way of talking was a turn off to me. I approached later at the bar because I was interested in meeting her.

You are right, however. I see did make a lot of assumptions. A ton of them. However, if she was putting out those signals to me just because I was a lonely looking guy who came to the bar near closing time for an hour once a week, her way of getting me (or anyone else) to open up was totally the wrong way of doing it.

Maybe I am right or maybe I am too full of myself. Please give input on this.

Thanks for the analization of the situation. Keep them coming. It is helping me out a GREAT deal.

From the first time I saw it was her who had moved into my old house where the package was delivered the only thought that has been going through my mind is that this is a woman who will be able to really screw me up. lol. Too damn good looking, to overly positive and too ovious in her attraction cues, (perceieved or not)

[Darren]

You really don't think highly of her, do you. They way you talk about her is pretty disrespectful. It's almost like you're saying, "Why won't this slutty girl **** me? After all, she was probably a stripper, she got pregnant at 18, she's worked in bars for 20 years, and she throws sex toy parties! She should totally be letting me bone her. What's her problem?" I'm sure that's a huge exaggeration, but I don't think you could honestly argue that something like this hasn't gone through your mind once or twice.

Boning her went through my mind more than once but I am not into one night stands and was hoping that if she was so "come hither" to me it would lead to a relationship of some kind. My assumption that at 41 years old (I find she is a grandmother) she would want to drop the party girl stuff. Apparently I am wrong.

And she's a bartender/waitress/whatever. It's her job to be friendly and nice to people. And maybe when she's not busy, she likes to give some extra attention to the quiet shy guy who comes into the bar alone and eats soup. Are you sure you didn't misinterpret her behavior toward you? I think this happens a lot.

She was giving me attention even when busy. If some one is not interested in any kind of emotional interaction with someone they should not be giving off so many signals they way she did. At times I watched her interact with other guys at the bar and the only one she was doing this to was me.

I mean, maybe she did come on to you before. But then if she sensed that you're scared shitless of her because she has the audacity to look you in the eye and say hello (?! So weird that this messed you up for months. This is such a normal thing that humans do) that very likely could have made her lose interest.

I hear what you are saying but it wasn't simple smiles and "hello." Long full frontal gazes which I perceived as wanting to get my attention. Leaning over to show boobs. Everything.

So, I guess if you want to sleep with her, then go into the bar when it's not going to be busy, have some drinks, buy her some drinks, flirt and be charming and hilarious and interesting, stay until she gets off work, then ask her if she wants to get something to eat/go back to your place or whatever.

I would have rather have something else. I am not much of a horny dog.

Thanks for your insightful input. There is more to the story but I've given the gist of it.

You guys are really helping me out here! Keep them coming. I blocked her posts from Facebook and am feeling to delete her from it right now.

[Darren]

Sorry for the long replies, gang! this whole thing has really bothered me.

This is one probable situation; She saw me as a lonely, bored guy that came into the bar occasionally for a couple of drinks and wanted me to open up then got freaked out when she realized that I mistaken her for wanting a relationship, resulting in the cold shoulder to mista "nice guy."

Perhaps I am now a "nut case risk" that security there have been notified? lol Makes me feel like crap.

How could I proceed? I actually like going to that bar every once in a while to see a band play for a few minutes and watch people. However, I don't want to be in a place where I or her (there are security guards there) feel uneasy.

Should I just show up and not look at her like we never met?? Not even say hello?

Just say a friendly hello when I get there and move on? Or just stop going there all together?

BTW, I am NOT the stalker type. The only "stalking" I've done is look at her facebook page. I drove by her house only once since I picked up my package from her three months ago.

I just want some closure and put my mind as ease. Most of my intentions with her are good but I feel that I got played by an old "player" from the clubs and it bumbs me.

Thanks for the replies so far.

Already have two replies from Plenty Of Fish site women this morning.

The end is near with help from more advise and analyze.

[Darren]

Bump.

Any thoughts or advise on what to do? Perhaps I answered my own questions but a further comment or two would help me to put this at rest.

I am lucky to have 2 friends locally to talk to about this. However, other perspectives from here would be nice. I can re-read the thread to ease my mind when the heart sinking feeling comes back.

It will help me out a lot.

Thanks in advance.

[sookie6]

don't over-react on this. It's not even worth more posting. You went for it, it did not work out, end of the story.

What you should do maybe if it can ease your mind is to stop going for while and then go back say hello and find a seat from where you don't see her (she can't accuse you of spying on her or something)...

But really you should not even think of it further more. You've been a good sport, tried your luck and that's it.

[Darren]

sookie6,

Thank you. That means a lot to me. I can reread when I am feeling down. It comes and goes. I've never been approached by a woman who threw herself at me like this who is that good looking, then being dumped with no explanation. It's really messed me up.

Please, folks, post a couple more affirmations and perhaps I'll get over this sooner than later, which is what I want. (Man, I'm a wimp! )

In a few months I can look back on this and laugh. But I need some of your help.