I have a confession:
When ever I am in a relationship...
I am THAT girlfriend that can't stop questioning her boyfriend about his exes.
I am THAT girlfriend that takes his answers about his exes personally, as if by telling me he used to be in love with someone, he's cheating on me.
I am THAT girlfriend that freaks out when another girl kisses him on the cheek. (Granted, she dose this very often, and she hooked up with him last year before I even met him...I don't know if anyone else would freak out about that but I sure did)
I am THAT girlfriend that still can't forgive her boyfriend for things like the above even after he flicked the girl off and threw her out of his house (granted it took him 3 months after I told him I was unhappy about it before he told her to stop)
For me, when my (hypothetical) boyfriend messes up, I forgive him in the moment and move on. But over time, resentment slowly builds until I am blind with anger even when I see him. Sporadically, at random times, I will feel the anger and I will be moved to angry tears and I can barely talk to him without yelling.
I hate that.
I know that I'm wrong. I know that even though he has fault in whatever he did, and whatever he couldn't say to make me feel better. But in the end, resentment is a huge problem. Lack of self-confidence is another problem. When I am not in a relationship, I don't pity myself and I am fairly comfortable with myself. However, as soon as I find someone to be close to, I become this monster. I associate pain and hurt with love, and I don't know how to love without that factor.
Please. I know that I'm wrong and I want to desperately change. I don't know how to handle my emotion! I can only tell myself to stop, and it goes away after awhile, only to come back again.
Does anyone have any advice for me? I don't want to be this person. I don't know why I am this person. I just want to love people properly, instead of shattering any relationship that seems too good for comfort. I also just want to be happy.