Hi,
I have been dating my girlfriend for 2 and a half years. Less than a year ago we moved in together. I'm 27, she's 26. I have a real M-F job, and on the weekends I'm a bartender at a local bar. I met her there.
Ever since we started dating, sex wasn't that great, but I thought it would change as we got to know each other and accommodated to what each other likes and dislikes. As time went by, things didn't really improve. The first year was fine, but after that I slowly stopped desiring her in bed, but my desire for sex still exists. On average, we have sex once a month, sometimes even longer. However, many nights a week masturbation is my way of sexual pleasure. She does not know I do it so often though (at least I don't think she does). I fantasize about having sex with her friends and other hot girls I meet at the bar. So I know for a fact that it's not lack of testosterone or something else that might be causing loss of libido.
My question is, is this a good enough reason to break up with someone?
I have talked to her twice about my lack of desire, and she has tried to "spice things up". However, it's always the same trend. As soon as we talk, sex life takes a little twist but slowly goes back to what it used to be. And the problem is that now, even if she tries, I'm just not aroused enough to want her. So I can't even tell her what needs to change in the bedroom for this to work. I think I just lost complete interest in her sexually.
But besides these sex problems, I love this girl a lot (but maybe not enough?). We are both college graduates, have good jobs, almost never argue and when we do, we fix things talking (we have never yelled at each other during an argument). Our maturity levels are about the same. When we go out we have fun, and if we stay to watch a movie, I like it too. In summary, besides the sex life, this girl is the perfect girl. But I have been asking myself if marrying her is an option, and the answer so far is no.
I'm worried that if I continue with her, I will soon become a cheater. I have been tempted several times to cheat on her with girls that I meet at the bar, and though I haven't been unfaithful yet, I don't think it will be long before I do it. I mean, it's ridiculous how much girls flirt with bartenders. They have left me phone numbers and once I even got a hotel room key.
Some of my friends have told me to quit bar-tendering because of all the temptations, but I think that if I was completely in love with my girlfriend, these temptations should be easily ignored, right? I do know that I feel something for her, but maybe what I feel is not enough?
I have thought about going to counseling, but going to couples therapy and not being married seems a little ridiculous.
I would like to hear opinions from people I don't know. People who will give me unbiased answers.
Thanks a lot for reading and sorry for being this long.