Am I jealous for a right reason?

[Razzeli]

Hi. I met a nice and lovely girl 1½ months ago, and we have spent a lot of time together, including most weekends. I am 27 years old and she is 25. We obviously both like each other very much, and we have often said this with words and touch. We have also both said that we are serious with this.

She made it clear from the beginning, that she gets along better with men than women, and therefore most of her friends are male. I have accepted this, and I don't have a problem with it when she goes out with them. I obviously don't have nothing against her male friends, and it is good that she has some friends and other activity from time to time.

Now, when both of our feelings towards each other have been growing stronger, she started to spend time and actively participate in discussions in a irc-channel (discussion channel), which basically consist of single men from same city as I. The reason she told me, why she started to hang and talk there was to get new friends.

Last Friday we decided to go to the movies. However after she made these plans clear in that irc-channel, suddenly there was eight other men, who wanted to come to watch the same movie at the same time. I suggested that maybe we should go Saturday instead or to her local city movie theater, which is nearby. However she said that she wanted to see them what they look like. However when we were there, we tried to avoid making contact with them. Afterwards I noticed she was a bit sad, that they didn't recognize her from there, and she also asked about this in the irc-channel, how could they not recognize her.

After she had been only a week on that particular irc-channel, she told me yesterday that one of the men, who has made it clear to all that he is interested in her more than just as a friend, to have coffee with her one on one. Naturally I assumed that she would be flattered about the interest but politely reject the invitation, because she is already seeing me. However she asked my opinion for the matter, and told me that she personally would prefer to go meet this guy, telling me that she would not be interested in him, but would just like to meet him and be friends.

Then all hell break loose when I told her that obviously I am not OK with this, and that is hurtful and disrespectful towards me, however much I trust her intentions. She got angry because of this, and told me that I am just insecure and I don't trust her. I know I have been insecure from time to time, but aren't I allowed to be insecure and hurt in this situation? She told that she does not see it as a problem to see new guys, who are interested in her, because she would not be interested in them romantically. Also she said why I couldn't be his friend at the same time, because I also spend time on that same irc-channel. I said that he would try to push me away from picture and get my place, and friendship is just not possible in this situation. She didn't think that this situation is that serious.

I have been wondering, why would she want to meet new guys like that, if she really is serious with me, as she says. You would think that you wouldn't need to force make new friends with such a short notice and that way, especially in the future if we get through with this thing, because I would think that there would be not so much time in the future to be in contact with her already numerous friends. I have said before that it's fine if the channel has a meeting to go there with or without me, but one on one meetings like that is just not ok. She however said that she would like to meet and get to know some of them also outside the standard meetings.

Is it normal to feel hurt and jealous in this kind of situation, or do I overreact, and what should I do and say and think in this situation? I have decided to have a chat with her about this issue face to face in recent days, and I would appriciate any tips and insight you could give me.

[HeartIsAching]

Welp... she's right.

You're jealous because you're insecure. You're insecure because you don't trust her. If you trusted her, you'd trust that she'd make it clear and if he's not getting the hint, that she'd do the right thing. You don't, so you're using abusive behaviors to try and force what you want.

Basically you have two choices: Live with it and trust her, or don't.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

She's a manipulative, schemer. Dump this chick, or detach yourself from her, and just keep her around as something to **** while you look for a better girl. Then cut her off hard, once you find said girl.

[leoben]

She asked permission to go on a date with another guy and then gave you grief when you objected. Forget the conversation, just dump her.

[VincenzoG91]

She's the one that's insecure, desperate to surround herself with as many guys as possible instead of being capable of spending quality time with one guy. She is being very selfish and disrespectful to you, and she really doesn't sound ready for a serious relationship. I recommend that you cut contact with her immediately, because you are only going to get hurt if you play her stupid game.

[devonbrown]

Instead of letting all hell break loose, why don't you try explaining to her how it makes you feel in a calm manner. Then she might not see your words as insecurity as much as hurt.

She probably likes the attention of guys. That, in and of itself, is not a major issue. But if you do not trust her to do the right things, then it will become an issue.

She asked you your opinion on going to go to meet this guy for coffee. She could have just gone. So I wouldn't necessarily think she is trying to play you.

Why don't you suggest you both go and meet this guy. Then, you can see for yourself how she acts towards him.

Finally, if you two aren't married, she may still be playing the field. If she is, there is nothing wrong with you doing the same thing. Ask her how she would like it if you went to have coffee with a single woman who liked you? That may help her see your side of the situation a little better.

Good luck.

[VincenzoG91]

After she had been only a week on that particular irc-channel, she told me yesterday that one of the men, who has made it clear to all that he is interested in her more than just as a friend, to have coffee with her one on one. Naturally I assumed that she would be flattered about the interest but politely reject the invitation, because she is already seeing me. However she asked my opinion for the matter, and told me that she personally would prefer to go meet this guy, telling me that she would not be interested in him, but would just like to meet him and be friends.

This is the troubling part. She knows that this one guy is interested in her as more than a friend, but she insists on meeting him to see if they can just be friends. Why? What is the damn point? Is she running out of friends that she needs to go out of her way to make friends with a guy who doesn't even really want to be her friend? She sounds selfish, immature, and insecure. I tend to distrust women that feel the need to surround themselves with lots of guys. Seems suspicious that she can't maintain friendships with women... probably because they don't like the way she acts around their boyfriends or husbands.

[Razzeli]

Instead of letting all hell break loose, why don't you try explaining to her how it makes you feel in a calm manner. Then she might not see your words as insecurity as much as hurt.

I consider myself a calm person, and a choice of words may have been poor. I don't feel I came on as aggressive, and today I did pay a visit to her, and tried to have a rational conversation with her about the issue, however she said she doesn't like to think and talk about things in length and analyze them and doesn't like to talk about her own feelings. However it was very clear that she was both angry and upset with me, so I didn't push the issue right now. However I was not aggressive nor did I raise my voice, and kept long pauses between my said thoughts and feelings, and asked about her own thoughts and feelings, but she herself did not say much during my visit. She did however say she is having second thoughts about me, because apparently I am so insecure, and she feels she has done nothing wrong. Also she said she doesn't want to make a commitment to me right now, because she fears that these kinds of things would happen often in the future becuse of me. However she said she is willing to give ME an other chance, but I am starting to second guess the relationship/whatever it is myself now.

Why don't you suggest you both go and meet this guy. Then, you can see for yourself how she acts towards him.

Ask her how she would like it if you went to have coffee with a single woman who liked you? That may help her see your side of the situation a little better.

Actually, I did ask the question how would she feel if I did go to meet a girl who was interested in me. Also I did ask why won't we both go to meet this guy then. She didn't reply to either of my questions.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Stop being such a pussy. She obviously isn't all that keen on you, so until she is, you should go out with other women and stop putting all your stock in this one that doesn't care about you.

[Razzeli]

Seems suspicious that she can't maintain friendships with women... probably because they don't like the way she acts around their boyfriends or husbands.

Well to her defence in here, she is kind of tomboy and likes computer games and scifi etc. Things "typical" women aren't usually interested in. But I don't know if there is more to it.

[VincenzoG91]

There are plenty of guys who like computer games and scifi. They tend to make friends with other guys who are into computer games and scifi.

[Razzeli]

Also to be more exact and does it change anything, that her numerous friends means that she has two friends close by and dozens of internet friends. I am really confused what to do. Especially since she has said numerous times that I am too uncertain, and I have tried to be more understanding, but it still hurts as hell.

[lostnconfused22]

This is the troubling part. She knows that this one guy is interested in her as more than a friend, but she insists on meeting him to see if they can just be friends. Why? What is the damn point? Is she running out of friends that she needs to go out of her way to make friends with a guy who doesn't even really want to be her friend? She sounds selfish, immature, and insecure. I tend to distrust women that feel the need to surround themselves with lots of guys. Seems suspicious that she can't maintain friendships with women... probably because they don't like the way she acts around their boyfriends or husbands.

I reckon she is the one that is insecure. It must be like she feels the need to have all these men around her for some reason. I dont blame you. She knows that these other men are interested in her romantically but she wants to hang out with them n all that but she wont do anything. I think it would be unfair on the other men that is only leading them on I reckon when they could be going out having coffee with someone else. Im all up for being mates with everyone. I have lots of mates that are guys and that I talk to on a regular basis and women friends too. But im not out there on sites trying to find new men to meet up with... like what the?? I dont really get it.

[elleda]

she's playing games and being disrespectful. sorry to tell you the hard (likely) truth here but it is proven that a man or woman who is NOT single (whether the fact is known or unknown) is more attractive. this is likely due to confidence. it must feel great for her to be able to date with a safety net ie: having you for backup until she finds someone else.

dump her first my friend. 25? she should know better. bitch.

[novocane]

I know this type of girl. The nerdy gamer girl attention seeker, surrounding herself with drooling nerds that have no chance with her, only serving to boost her ego.

She basically asked you if it was okay to go on a date with a guy, knowing that he is romantically interested in her.

If you are fighting about things like this after one month, just imagine a year. Just drop this one. Better to do it now, rather than after months of more arguments.