any clues as to the reason?

[kronos51]

So, I came here to read through some other people's problems in the hopes that they would help me with mine, but I guess I might as well get mine out there too.

So I have been dating and madly in love with my (ex?) girlfriend for almost 2 years now. We were acquaintances since about 7th grade, became closer friends around junior year of highschool, and it was at this point I realized how much I liked her. I did not take the initiative at that time however, cuz I stupidly took advice from some of my "friends" (read: people I thought I could trust but just wanted to screw her over) who stretched some stories about her to make her seem bad. The more I got to know her, however, the more I liked her, and I finally asked her out right before christmas of senior year. everything was wonderful even through the beginning of college, but since this past spring there have been some hardships.

She has had self-confidence problems for a long time, and I have tried to do everything I can to make it clear that she is a wonderful girl and that everyone loves her, but this does not seem to help. She says (and I realize) that she needs to find her confidence on her own, without feeling like she is relying on me for it. She says that she has been defining herself as my girlfriend and needs to find her own understanding and definition of herself. She also says that she is madly in love with me (which I know to be true just by her actions and the way she brought this up with me, and was crying the entire time she talked to me) and wants to end up with me, but feels like she isn't ready to be with one person and wants to have the "college experience" (we're both sophomores right now by the way). The part that is oxymoronic to me is that she tells me stories about her friend who is dating, but is not satisfied by that because she loves a guy back home who she knows she wants to marry, and my girlfriend seems to feel the same way (she has tried going on breaks before to date other guys, and it hasn't worked out) and is obviously torn up that she cannot feel 100% into our relationship.

Our communication is great, hence I am not completely distraught about the situation, and I realize that she needs time to figure things out. I guess I am just looking for anyone that can help clarify these reasons for me. I think she is confused herself and doesn't know what to think, and I hope that this will allow her to find her self confidence and know herself better even if she does come to the conclusion that our relationship is not for her, but I just would like any thought-provoking comments on what she may be feeling that is causing so much pain for her and causing this divide between loving me and worrying that we shouldn't be together (as it has been a chronically appearing problem for the past couple months, she was constantly asking how I knew we should be together and if I ever thought maybe we were meant to be apart for college and whatnot).

Any comments appreciated

[appleCore]

It must be a hard situation for you because you obviously care so deeply about her. I think that women sometimes tend to think too much about the future of a relationship, rather than enjoying what is actually good about it at the moment (but any other females willing to refute me on that are welcome ). Despite the fact that she says she wants to end up with you, she has doubts about your place in her life at the moment. This must be hard for you to hear. I had similar feelings of doubt towards my boyfriend over the past year so maybe my input can help. I ended up being so unsure about our relationship that I almost lost him because he believed I did not love him anymore. He broke up with me to prevent his own heart from being broken. While I don't agree with what he did (and how he did it - but that's a different story - see my post if you want) I understand he only did it because he was insecure and afraid he would get hurt. Anyway I'm detracting from my point; I now realise that my doubts were really effecting his self esteem and that's why he did what he did. I don't believe you should encourage the same fears in yourself (about being broken hearted) in f because it may cause you unecessary pain. All I was looking for in my time of need - and all your girlfriend is probably looking for - is a little bit of understanding, compassion and love.

I suggest that you address her concerns DIRECTLY. That is, don't focus on her doubt about being in a relationship, because this merely detracts from the main and more important issues, which are (I presume) her fears about the furture, and her worry about defining an identity seperate from yours. These issues are not directly related to having a boyfriend. They are seperate issues. It's good that she's talking about how she feels; tell her how helpful it is that she's talking to you about her problems instead of keeping her fears to herself (and letting them build up, etc). I also made the mistake of thinking that my boyfriend, and having a boyfriend in general, has a negative effect on one's ability to be myself, do what I want to do, and have my own dreams. It doesn't. I'm so glad I've come to realise this before it's too late (my amazing boyfriend is giving me another chance - yay!!). I realise it was as silly to say "I can't be myself WITH a boyfriend" as it would be to say "I can't be myself WITHOUT a boyfriend". The two issues are just not the same, and do not even have to be correlated (unless you are in a violent or abusive relationship, which is completely different).

She can have her own life without having to give up the good relationship you have. Encourage her to go out, have her own friends, do what she wants to do, maybe even see a counsellor (if she thinks it would help her). Let her know you are OK with her having her own life, outside of your sphere and that you don't want her to give up on your relationship for the wrong reason. In this way you are giving her the best chance to realise what her true concerns are (because she is obviously a little confused herself). If you can't fix the situation, and if her doubts and insecurities are too deep-seated to go away, maybe gradually you will realise that you've done your best to save the relationship and there is really nothing else you can do besides letting her go (but I don't think it will come to that stage).

One last thing, do you have any concerns about the relationship? I mean are there areas in which you think she could improve herself or any things she could be doing to strengthen your relationship? I realise she is feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment and your relationship is fragile, but don't always let your feelings come second in the equation, because a good relationship should always be equal give and take. If this is not an issue, ignore me (but it might be a useful way to put things in perspective if the relationship ends).

I hope I have helped put things in perspective and clarified some of your concerns (and haven't depressed you or anything).

Good luck, and remember the only truly rewarding relationships are always a little hard work!

Ask your girlfriend to email me if she thinks it will help, maybe I can talk to her and help her put things in perspective.

[kronos51]

Thanks apple, I have actually enacted most of what you said, and we had a good mature phone conversation about it earlier, and are talking on IM (sortof unplanned) right now. She knows she loves me and she wants to be with me, but she is very confused right now and needs to make sure she is with me for the right reasons.

I have told her that I am fully behind her and agree with her that she needs to be sure she is with me because she wants to be, and as much as I want to be with her forever I know it cannot happen unless she is comfortable with herself and her decisions.

All in all I am very optimistic that this will allow her to be a much happier person overall (she has had depression for a while, and is much better now but it still bothers her). She is also going to a therapist at school this week, and has said she wants to tell me everything that she is going through because she knows that I understand her and we are still extremely close.

Thanks for the post, if anyone else has anything else to add please do