I guess I'll start right from the top.

We started as an affair.

I was really upset over someone who had ended our relationship to see someone else. Chain-smoking, alone, and posting pouty Facebook status updates to subconsciously try and get someone to help me. Then she started texting me. She was comforting me and letting me lay my problems on her. I asked her to call me. We were on the phone for 2 hours before it died. After that, we started to become really close. We would meet up at this little elementary school park by my place, and just hang out. Talk about our day, life, and her absent-minded boyfriend.

Then, one chilly night in early September, something I never really wanted to happen (but deep down in my heart did), happened. We were sitting at a little blue bench at the edge of the playground, and she said she was cold and wanted me to hold her for warmth. We kissed. It was the most exilerating feeling in the world, and my breath had never been taken away in quite that way before with any other woman.

That was when it began.

About a week later, I had her and a couple other friends over for the night. A good buddy of mine, the woman who I had gotten over leaving me for someone else and my illegitimate girlfriend. My buddy wanted some OJ from a local 7-11 and convinced her and I to go grab it. About halfway there, I told her how uncomfortable I was with the affair, and that I wanted it to end one way or another. She leaves him, or she leaves me. She told me that when she had last visited her hometown, she had considered throwing herself infront of a freight train and that thinking of me was the only thing that stopped her. I felt horrible. We went to 7-11, grabbed the OJ, and went back. A few hours later, by buddy and my ex were fast asleep on one couch while we took the other. It was cramped. She lead my hand to her breast, and if there was a little more room on that couch we would have done the deed.

3 days later, we slept together for the first time. When I had finished, she told me that the loved me. I told her that I loved her as well. About 2 days later, she ended her relationship and we began legitimately dating.

New years eve, I asked her to marry me.

In March, our relationship had been making sort of a downhill decline, and she called off the engagement.

One month ago, she ended our relationship because she said she wanted to work on our friendship as we had been fighting more frequently and growing apart.

2 weeks ago, she called me. We spoke shortly, she apologised for fighting as hard as she had to keep me from walking away from her and told me that she had been sending me mixed signals. She told me that she didn't love me and had no feelings for me. I found out 1 day later that she was in a relationship with one of her roommates and had been since we broke up.

I decided to try and find out exactly how long they had been a 'thing' by breaking into her hotmail. I discovered that she had been sending my 9-years-older step brother graphic pictures of herself since we had been dating for 2 months. I also discovered that she had ended our engagement for him.

Now we are at last Thursday. I invited her to a local Subway for dinner. It was raining lightly. On the way back, she pulled me into an alley and we kissed. I felt the same as I did the first time we kissed. Now go to Friday. We are casually kissing and making small sexual remarks like we're dating. She tells me that she loves me, and that she would leave her current boyfriend (the roommate that she left me for) if she would get kicked out. She is currently jobless, so I can buy that. Their relationship is starting to fray at the edges.

Today marks what would have been 8 months for us. September 23rd, 2010. It really seems like a small amount of time, but I have never been more unsure about anything or anyone in my life. I have never fought so hard, and I have never loved this much.

I love her more than anything in the world and all day I have been tearing myself to pieces trying to figure out if she really loves me or not. I can't trust her because of how she lied to me behind my back, but I want her back. I need her back.


I guess what I'm trying to ask here is, is she telling the truth? Does she love me?


Sorry if I violate the format rules or anything like that, this is my first post and I'm somewhat emotional.