He cheated...now what?

[NRGRL2009]

Sorry this is so rediculously long, thank you for taking your time to read it... I really do need some advice!

For the past two years, I have had no reason not to trust my bf of 3 years as he has been one hundred percent perfect to me. He is in the military (has been for about two years) and is sometimes gone for months at a time but he has never given me a reason to doubt him while gone. He always calls, leaves sweet texts on my phone, keeps me in the loop as to what he's doing, etc. He is so honest and trustworthy...it is amazing.

However, the first year of our relationship, he was not the man he is today. He was always out drinking and partying with friends which I was okay with because I trusted him. But, about a month before our one year anniversary, that all changed. At that time I was working at a job with long hours and I wouldn't get home until two am. One day, I heard from an acquaintance who worked at a local bar that they had seen him there last Friday night and he was totally ripped. They didn't mention anything else. No biggie, right? He usually was out drinking so I thought nothing of it. When he called me later that day, I jokingly said "I know what you did last Friday." At which point he nervously said "Oh...yeah... I drove that chick home." Waaaaitttt...what? I was shocked but went along with it like I knew. "Yeah, who was she?" I asked. "Kate." RED FLAG. 'Kate' was a girl he had drove home before while he was with his ex and ended up having sex with her in his truck. He did this twice with her. I have never met her but from what he described before (and what I've overheard from other people) she is gorgeous stripper with huge boobs who is a total slut. She is also his friend's (Sean's) cousin who lives out of state and only comes here for visits. I was in shock. At this point, I'm furious so, I tell him I have to go. He knows he is in trouble. Later that day we talk and he wants to meet somewhere private to discuss this and I agree. When I get there, he is crying. I have been friends with him for a decade before this and have NEVER seen him cry.However, I didn't let it get to me too much. He claims he didn't cheat but how he is reacting convinces me otherwise. He tells me that if I want to break up with him, he understands because he hasn't been the boyfriend I deserve but that if I give him a second chance, he will change completely and never break my heart like this again. He says he never realized how much I meant to him until now since he could lose me. He handed me like a 6 page letter saying how sorry he is, how much I mean to him, how he will change if I want to give him a second chance and all his issues he has that he wants to address. I stayed with him. And, since that day, he has been nothing but good to me.

But, there was still the fact he didn't admit to cheating and we never addressed it again. So, instead of facing my fears of his infidelity for the past two years, I hid them and let them eat me alive. I realized yesterday that I had to have closure on this 'issue' by learning the truth and hopefully moving on in our relationship.

So, I confronted him about it and he admitted to cheating immediatly...as I had assumed all along. We had a very deep conversation (until about 4am) about what happened. He said he was so happy we were finally discussing this and that he could finally admit to me what had happened...that he wanted to tell the truth but was terrified I would leave him if I knew. So, as much as hiding tore him apart, losing me would be worse. He told me a day doesn't go by that he doesn't think about it and how he wishes he could take it back. By not talking about it, he tried to just forget and get it out of his memory so he could maybe pretend/feel like it never happened. He swears he's never done anything since and will never do anything again and it is the biggest regret, most painful thing he has ever done his whole life.

He told me he was so drunk he didn't even realize the consequences of what he was doing until he started to sober up...it was the worst feeling ever and he wanted to throw up when he realized what he was doing. So, he saidhe left the bar, dropped her off home (he says they did tell him to take her home...that wasn't a lie I guess.. :/ ) and went straight back to our place. He says they madeout and stuff of that sort but nothing extremely physical...it all happened at the bar. (I had assumed they had sex before he told me this.) When he woke up in the morning he hoped it was just a dream or that he could go back to sleep and wake up and it would have never happened.

He has asked me to please not think I ever did anything wrong and that I've been nothing but perfect and I never deserved any of this. He said he was just a dumbass who made a huge mistake and didn't realize what he had. He swears up and down that he has changed and will continue to change...he is ashamed of being such a p.o.s. and he never wants to be like that ever again. He said all he can do is learn from his horrible mistake and will NEVER do anything like that again and he will treat me with the respect and love that I deserve. He knows the pain he caused me may never completely go away but said that he will prove to me that he has been and is a man of his word. I am pretty good at telling a lie and everything he said lastnight was from the heart.

And, like I said earlier, since he promised me that origonally two years ago the has been on the up and up and nothing but GREAT to me. So, I feel good now that we talked it through...very relieved it is all spoken for and we don't have this lurking in the shadows anymore. I think we will move on from here and have a happier and healthier relationship than we have ever had before as long as we get the proper help. He was 21 at the time and I know people can change if they want...he has already changed so muchfor the better in the past couple years.

I obviously have alot of pent up anger towards him for this. Not to mention, trust and insecurity issues. He wants us to go to counseling and if I don't want to, he will alone at least. I want to go to counseling as well because we are on very shakey ground right now...we need all the help we can get. We both know it may take even a few more years before everything is back to normal.

Anyone had experience with counseling? Anyone been cheated on and made the relationship work? What is your opinion on our situation? What are other ways we can work through this? I truly believe he is a changed person and I believe that we can make our relationship more strong and healthy than ever before. Do you agree?

Thank you!

[happyhippo85]

first of, just to understand,, these have been 2 years go? so u have been happy since and you presumed he did cheat?

[NRGRL2009]

first of, just to understand,, these have been 2 years go? so u have been happy since and you presumed he did cheat?

Yes, the one time he cheated was two years ago. I was okay because I lied to myself and tried to hide my suspicions. However, I was/am terribly insecure and untrusting due to it. So, knowing our relationship could not go on with me feeling this way, I confronted him to get closure on the issue. With everything now on table, we hope we can continue on in our relationship and hopefully better it by fixing the hurt he had caused.