Are a few harsh, unexpected words enough to make you run?

[chicitita71]

I was hoping for a male insight into this. First, you need to understand the context. I've been having a cyber relationship with a guy since February (initially met online in December and spoke for a few weeks) and because of his job as a military contractor he's either been in Iraq or Yemen during our entire correspondence. We have had a wonderful cyber connection and relationship, writing every day, ony occasional calls cos of his location, but in a nutshell, we fell in love. Our connection, our minds, the way we look at the world, just made us know we were totally right for each other in a inexplicable way, in a way that kind of defies logic. I don't need to go into detail, but we've both declared undying love, see ourselves in each other's future etc etc
He did, however, experience a trauma in Yemen about 10 days before he left, a friend and colleague was shot dead in an ambush, another had both legs blown holes in, and they were all basically under fire for 3 hours. He was understandably traumatised and I tried to be as supportive as possible over the ether, difficult when you're so far away, but I think I managed it. (he's not a boy, he's in a position of command)
Anyway,on Saturday he finally left the hellhole, and was originally supposed to be coming straight to me, but cos of this recent head mashing, decided to fly his 3 daughters out to Oman and have some R and R, time to heal, much-needed time with his girls,who have obviously missed him desperately. We agreed this was the right thing to do.
Despite that I was obviously disappointed after looking forward to seeing him for so long, counting down days for 3 months. Add to all that the fear for his life I'd been experiencing, the anticipation, the waiting, excitement, and finally disappointment and there was a pretty potent mix of feelings on Saturday night which were further fueled by alchohol. He'd told me that he'd be able to call me from Oman, we may even be able to Skype from his daughter's laptop, and I was really looking forward to hearing his voice after having had nothing but words in cyberspace, I just needed it to move into the realm of the 'real', to ground the relationship in more than airspace. I was so convinced that he would want the same, especially now he was free from Yemen and in a civilised place, that I'd assumed that obviously after spending some quality time with his girls that I'd get a quick phone call, just to touch base, or even a text. That didn't happen, and was a further disappointment on top of all I've just mentioned.
To the crux (sorry, the context was needed!!) on Saturday night I sent him a sh*tty, nasty email (out of character I hasten to add) telling him he was full of sh*t and a rude bas*ard. I signed off by saying 'what was I thinking?' Guys, when I woke the next day, sober, I was mortified, ashamed and sorry and tried to fix the damage as soon as I could. He'd replied to my nasty mail briefly and angrily saying that a response like that made him wonder what the eff I was really like and told me to chill the eff out.
I fell on my sword, apologised profusely, explained the root of my angst, where I knew the venom had sprung from, and said I hoped he could forgive and forget my misdemeanour. (This was early Sun afternoon) I heard nothiing. I sent him a resolution email on Monday evening, asking him to just let me know where he was at, what he's decided. This time, I didn't rehash the original apology mail, I came at it from a more empathic view, sating how shocking, unexpected and hurtful my words must have been, like a punch in the face, and that I must've seemed like a nutter. I told him I understood that what I'd done had given him pause for thought about whether to continue the relationship, but to please jsut make ot quick and clean of he wanted to end it as I have a low tolerance for pergatory. Still nothing. I'm in absolute hell, the dread, the waiting, the fear of losing someone i thought was the love of my life. I think I've come to a place where I can see it's over, that the damage was done as soon as I sent my nasty mail and maybe he was never going to contact me again, and my mails, my olive branches, will make not a jot of difference to a bloke who's already decided 'frack this'.
Is what I did generally enough to make a man leg it, even if you love the woman, and even if it's unexpected like I'm sure my mail was? I'm utterly devastated by this....please give me a male perspective!! And thank you so much if you've read this far, it's very patient of you!

[Boisdevie]

Cyber relationship = not real relationship
Declarations of love for somebody you have never spent a lot of time with IN PERSON = wierd.

[chicitita71]

I see your point, but we're not both weird. We got to know each other's minds and hearts. Love is love, no matter what guise it comes in. I'm more interested in the male reaction to the harsh words I said rather in whether you believe we cared for each other. Let's just work on the premise that we did. Thank you for you post though : )

[qwertz]

Sorry but you CANNOT truly love someone unless you have met them in person! Anyway, if he loved you he would want to be in contact to speak to you, and sure as hell wouldnt 'finish' things on one email...IF he loved you. Which im sorry to say but he probably didnt/doesnt.

[sammygee]

Poor thing.
My guess is that He has been through a lot. And He was looking forward to meeting you but the other stuf just got in the way. He probably was extremely put off by what you wrote- this further thing he didn't need in his life.
The best thing you can do now is send him a brief email saying "I totally understand this and wish you luck. I really enjoyed our time communicating xx" And leave it. He may or may not pick it back up.

Babe this is how men work. You cannot afford to come across as difficult or hard work in the begining or they WILL run. There are always many good reasons they don tcall when they said they would. You have to give them the benefit at first until you really get to know them. Good luck with it. Feel better xx

[surfer808]

It also depends on the guy, but I would run very far away fast. What you did was disrespectful and a red flag for sure. What will keep you from doing it again once your "comfortable" in a relationship? My exwife used to say hurtful things, and I took it for 12 years. It never got better and got worse as time went on and ultimately the relationship failed for this reason among others. If I were you I would look inward and see what you can do to fix this in yourself. There is really no need for a person to ever be that way (disrespectful). Its hard to change and you have to want it, but yea this guy is waaay smarter than I was. I would never take disrepect from anyone else again. I've gone from "nice guy" to realist. Better late than never. Also on the flip side you shouldn't let yourself be disrespected as well. Good luck in your future endeavors.

[SwampDonkey47]

Being cruel to be kind here - it is very weird to fall for someone you've never met. If you feel love, then it's cyber love and not real. You don't even know if he's telling you the truth - why didn't he fly you out to Yemen? Why didn't he come home and see all of you? You need to take a rather large reality pill - you are living a dream and it's all meaningless tosh. You're in love with the idea of being in love with him.

I was hoping for a male insight into this. First, you need to understand the context. I've been having a cyber relationship with a guy since February (initially met online in December and spoke for a few weeks) and because of his job as a military contractor he's either been in Iraq or Yemen during our entire correspondence. We have had a wonderful cyber connection and relationship, writing every day, ony occasional calls cos of his location, but in a nutshell, we fell in love. Our connection, our minds, the way we look at the world, just made us know we were totally right for each other in a inexplicable way, in a way that kind of defies logic. I don't need to go into detail, but we've both declared undying love, see ourselves in each other's future etc etc
He did, however, experience a trauma in Yemen about 10 days before he left, a friend and colleague was shot dead in an ambush, another had both legs blown holes in, and they were all basically under fire for 3 hours. He was understandably traumatised and I tried to be as supportive as possible over the ether, difficult when you're so far away, but I think I managed it. (he's not a boy, he's in a position of command)
Anyway,on Saturday he finally left the hellhole, and was originally supposed to be coming straight to me, but cos of this recent head mashing, decided to fly his 3 daughters out to Oman and have some R and R, time to heal, much-needed time with his girls,who have obviously missed him desperately. We agreed this was the right thing to do.
Despite that I was obviously disappointed after looking forward to seeing him for so long, counting down days for 3 months. Add to all that the fear for his life I'd been experiencing, the anticipation, the waiting, excitement, and finally disappointment and there was a pretty potent mix of feelings on Saturday night which were further fueled by alchohol. He'd told me that he'd be able to call me from Oman, we may even be able to Skype from his daughter's laptop, and I was really looking forward to hearing his voice after having had nothing but words in cyberspace, I just needed it to move into the realm of the 'real', to ground the relationship in more than airspace. I was so convinced that he would want the same, especially now he was free from Yemen and in a civilised place, that I'd assumed that obviously after spending some quality time with his girls that I'd get a quick phone call, just to touch base, or even a text. That didn't happen, and was a further disappointment on top of all I've just mentioned.
To the crux (sorry, the context was needed!!) on Saturday night I sent him a sh*tty, nasty email (out of character I hasten to add) telling him he was full of sh*t and a rude bas*ard. I signed off by saying 'what was I thinking?' Guys, when I woke the next day, sober, I was mortified, ashamed and sorry and tried to fix the damage as soon as I could. He'd replied to my nasty mail briefly and angrily saying that a response like that made him wonder what the eff I was really like and told me to chill the eff out.
I fell on my sword, apologised profusely, explained the root of my angst, where I knew the venom had sprung from, and said I hoped he could forgive and forget my misdemeanour. (This was early Sun afternoon) I heard nothiing. I sent him a resolution email on Monday evening, asking him to just let me know where he was at, what he's decided. This time, I didn't rehash the original apology mail, I came at it from a more empathic view, sating how shocking, unexpected and hurtful my words must have been, like a punch in the face, and that I must've seemed like a nutter. I told him I understood that what I'd done had given him pause for thought about whether to continue the relationship, but to please jsut make ot quick and clean of he wanted to end it as I have a low tolerance for pergatory. Still nothing. I'm in absolute hell, the dread, the waiting, the fear of losing someone i thought was the love of my life. I think I've come to a place where I can see it's over, that the damage was done as soon as I sent my nasty mail and maybe he was never going to contact me again, and my mails, my olive branches, will make not a jot of difference to a bloke who's already decided 'frack this'.
Is what I did generally enough to make a man leg it, even if you love the woman, and even if it's unexpected like I'm sure my mail was? I'm utterly devastated by this....please give me a male perspective!! And thank you so much if you've read this far, it's very patient of you!

[Love&Life]

I am in the same situation as you, but less complicated and stressfull. Even though I find it weird myself, last 3 weeks I have been connecting with a penis-ed someone through Skype, we send emails, send textmessages and we end our days with talking to each other for hours. It feels like we've known each other forever, and he is very serious about me. But we too have to wait 3 months, because we both have obligations on different continents. I rationalise the situation and take it easy, but I feel there is something going on between us. A Skype- relationship is not what you wish for, but it just happens. Emotions are "real", meeting each other will take it to the next level.

Your situation is more complicated, he is terribly traumatized and needs a lot of space to heal. He needs a safe environment, and his children come first of course.

I totally understand your feelings and the desire to express your disappointment and pain. But timing couldn't be worse. The question is: where are your boundaries, how much is he worth to you?
I stand behind Sammygee's post for 100%. Write an email how special it was to connect with him, that you wrote the other email out of disappointment and sadness, apologize for your behavior and wish him all the best. An open and mature response.

It is so true that men can;t handle tough situations in the beginning of a relationship...

Good luck, it's a very difficult situation you are in, I hope you can handle it.

Poor thing.
My guess is that He has been through a lot. And He was looking forward to meeting you but the other stuf just got in the way. He probably was extremely put off by what you wrote- this further thing he didn't need in his life.
The best thing you can do now is send him a brief email saying "I totally understand this and wish you luck. I really enjoyed our time communicating xx" And leave it. He may or may not pick it back up.

Babe this is how men work. You cannot afford to come across as difficult or hard work in the begining or they WILL run. There are always many good reasons they don tcall when they said they would. You have to give them the benefit at first until you really get to know them. Good luck with it. Feel better xx

[HeartIsAching]

In the same situation, it would be enough to make me break off contact.

1. He has daughters. I don't know if you have kids or not, but the connection between you and your kids is stronger and deeper than for anyone else. The fact that he wanted to spend time with his kids isn't surprising, what was surprising was that you were actually delusional enough to think there was something wrong with him choosing them over you. Don't bother protesting that you only did it because you were drunk - alcohol doesn't make you do those things, it lowers your inhibitions so you CAN do those things that are in your heart but normally wouldn't let out.

2. A great deal of your post is blame - blaming HIM for why you were angry. He is not responsible for your anger, and your actions, you are. Own them. You got angry, you sent the email.

3. You sent that crap to a guy you'd never met F2F, and now he has doubts about who you really are - surprise.