what do men think about this?

[ShellyZ]

For a guy, it's never too soon to have sex, unless we just had it.

Haha yeah, problem is, it takes 2 people to have sex. So if it's too soon for one of them, there will be no sex.

[abn25]

I guess I should have posted this in the female forum, i think women know all too well where i'm coming from and Shellyz is 100% right on. Oh Vincenzo, to be graced by your always dignified responses..lol

[Wakeup]

Oh please. You've been watching too many movies. If a girl doesn't like you, she's not gonna continue to hang around you, not even for money or attention. And you shouldn't be paying women to hang out with you anyway.

Believe it or not... there certainly are gold diggers out there. They are like male players who pretend to or say anything to get what they want. Players want sex.. gold diggers want what they can get materially.

chickies need to stay out of the male forum

Is that a site rule?

I& would be thrilled if a guy wanted to take things slow so we could get to know each other properly.

so would I, but BEFORE we had sex not after we already did. Besides, I could be wrong but I don't think men think the same way as some women and things related to sex and stoppage of same.

I do agree that it's not a game to the person requesting the stop if she's sincere... I also understand how some men would question her motives too.

I'm worried about getting hurt because I really like you and I want to take the time to get to know you better before we have sex again."

I would question continuing with a person who is confused and lets herself go and then denies herself sex after she's already done it in the "guise" of not doing it will allow her to get to know him better. I believe in not doing it until one knows that one actually likes the guy and that he's not a mass murderer or a psychopath or a player who doesn't value me as a person and that I know we're on the same page. I don't have faith in persons who have sex first tand then want to stop having it to find out all those things.

JMO.

I guess I should have posted this in the female forum, i think women know all too well where i'm coming from

Not all of us think the same way.

[chump4u]

If you slept together too soon, but have decided to pull away and stop how do you view this? Does it seem like a game if you are honest with them about it?

Yes, it seems like a game, because whatever you pretend to believe you are planning to play a vicious little game with this guy. I hope he walks away from you as fast as his legs will take him.

Where do men get this sense of entitlement?

Perhaps from the same place women find their entitlement to play kickball with a guy's heart, and dignity, and self-image, and testicles.

[surfhb]

I guess I should have posted this in the female forum, i think women know all too well where i'm coming from and Shellyz is 100% right on. Oh Vincenzo, to be graced by your always dignified responses..lol

You want dignity or the truth?

[surfhb]

I wonder what one of us chickies would do if we had sex with a guy we found attractive and wanted to make love with and then the next day he said "I think we had sex too soon, can we not have it now while we get to know one another?" I can't only imagine what emotional response that would evoke.

Best post of the thread. LOL!!!! Very few women would be ok with this

[Yet another guy]

Oh please. You've been watching too many movies. If a girl doesn't like you, she's not gonna continue to hang around you, not even for money or attention.

Not every girl for sure. But I have a right to protect myself from the ones that would.

It probably means she's worried that you'll take advantage of her, or you'll use her for sex, or you won't respect her, or you'll be so focused on sex that you won't pay attention to her personality. When women hold off on sex, it's usually because they're afraid of getting hurt.

I would be super offended if my date suddenly for no reason stopped trusting me like she did before. A relationship can't work without trust and hers has proven unreliable. But yeah, I suppose that there's a chance that I'll overlook some minor defect in her personality if the sex is amazing. Then again, I'm pretty accepting even if I'm not getting any.

Men only think women are confusing because they don't think we mean what we say.

Okay, let's assume that she is sincere. She says that she thinks we did it too soon and wants to stop having sex for now. That would be a red flag for me. Sex is something that I would do if I really like someone and I was going for a long term relationship. If she wanted to stop having sex, it would seem to me like she doubts whether she wants to have a long term relationship with me.

How do you get from Point A (what the OP said) to Point B (what the man hears)? If the man took her words at face value, instead of giving her words some warped meaning of his own, he wouldn't be confused.

But, that's exactly what you did too. OP mentioned nothing about not trusting him. She mentioned nothing about liking him. She mentioned nothing about how she sees the relationship. You made assumptions. I had to make assuptions too. And since I can't read her mind, I had to use self reflection. If I was in a situation where I wanted to stop having sex with a girl, she would definitely have grounds to be worried.

And then there is the other problem; sincerity. If she was playing games, do you really think that she would say so? Hardly.

In fact, I think this situation happens a lot, it's really not that confusing. The men in this thread are only objecting because they're trying to convince women that it's never OK to say no to sex. The last thing they're gonna do is encourage women to stop having sex with them!

Oh, give me a break. I don't give a crap whether you or OP have sex with guys or not Every single female on this forum may turn to celibacy for all I care. In fact, I'm giving my explicit permission to do so.
To be honest, I've never been in this situation and I am not objecting anything. I'm simply telling what I would think and feel in such a situation which is what's what OP asked. In short, I would feel hurt.

The OP is asking permission to stop having sex with her current guy!!

Did she ask some sort of a permission? The question is entirely hypothetical. Are you suggesting that I should not have taken her words at face value but instead have given her question some "warped meaning of my own"?

[Yet another guy]

@abn25
In case you are in this situation and are wondering what you should do, here's my opinion.
You should definitely do it but you must have a thorough discussion about it with the guy.
You must explain to him what you feel.
You must explain why you feel so.
You must convince him that you don't like or desire him any less than before.
If you want to do it because you don't trust him, you must make it clear that it's nothing personal.

Even with good communication, I'm betting that it'll affect your relationship and his trust. If he has had bad experiences about this in past, the effect will probably be quite dramatic.

[ShellyZ]

Believe it or not... there certainly are gold diggers out there. They are like male players who pretend to or say anything to get what they want. Players want sex.. gold diggers want what they can get materially.

Gold diggers usually target celebrities or other very rich men, because they're after millions of dollars. Gold diggers don't go after average guys just to get a free dinner on weekends.

I would question continuing with a person who is confused and lets herself go and then denies herself sex after she's already done it in the "guise" of not doing it will allow her to get to know him better.

How is it a "guise"? She's being sincere. She truly believes that not having sex for now will allow them to get to know each other on a deeper level. Besides, if she doesn't want to have sex, then she's not denying herself anything.

I believe in not doing it until one knows that one actually likes the guy and that he's not a mass murderer or a psychopath or a player who doesn't value me as a person and that I know we're on the same page. I don't have faith in persons who have sex first tand then want to stop having it to find out all those things.

Well, some people want to know a bit more about their partner before they have sex. And they want their partner to get to know them too.

Yes, it seems like a game, because whatever you pretend to believe you are planning to play a vicious little game with this guy.

Right, because you know what the OP is thinking better than she does. *face palm*

Perhaps from the same place women find their entitlement to play kickball with a guy's heart, and dignity, and self-image, and testicles.

I don't think the OP wants to hurt this guy. And again, you're looking at sex as something to be given to a man or taken away from him. But it's not like that. Sex is something you DO with someone. It's not something you GIVE to someone or TAKE from someone. Sex is not a reward or a punishment. It's an act, one that's meant for both people to enjoy. Sex isn't just for you, guys! It's for girls too. Men seem to think it's perfectly OK for them to use women for sex and them dump them right afterward, and they don't feel bad for "playing kickball" with her heart, dignity, and self-image. But it's not OK for women to protect themselves from that by saying no to sex? God forbid a woman bruise a man's poor little ego by not having sex with him as soon as he wants it.

Very few women would be ok with this

You've decided that? I think a lot of women would actually be fine with it, but if you have evidence that says otherwise, by all means, present it. I can't imagine why a woman wouldn't be OK with it. Nothing wrong with a man who values me and respects me, and wants to avoid rushing things so he can get to know me. Why would any woman have a problem with that?

Not every girl for sure. But I have a right to protect myself from the ones that would.

And the ones that would are the ones who want to wait for sex? As soon as a girl says that, you know she's just using you? And are you really so fabulously wealthy that women are chasing after you for your money?

I would be super offended if my date suddenly for no reason stopped trusting me like she did before. A relationship can't work without trust and hers has proven unreliable.

This might not even be a relationship yet. I got the impression that the OP is still in the early dating stage with this guy. Besides, trust has to be earned. Can you really blame a girl for not trusting you completely, when she doesn't even know you? It takes some time for trust to develop. Girls can't read your mind, they have no way of knowing that you're a decent guy who's not going to hurt them. They'd have to get to know you a little before they can know that about you.

But yeah, I suppose that there's a chance that I'll overlook some minor defect in her personality if the sex is amazing.

Actually, I think the concern is that you might not care about her personality at all. You might just be in it for sex. Some guys are, and we can't tell which ones just by looking at them.

That would be a red flag for me. Sex is something that I would do if I really like someone and I was going for a long term relationship.

That's great, but how is your girl supposed to know that? A lot of guys just want a one-night stand or a casual fling, and they have no intention of building a relationship with a girl. They just want to get laid a few times before they move on to someone else. And these guys look just like regular people! They blend right in! Women can't tell which guys are sincere like you, and which guys are jerks who just want sex. The only way to find out is to take the time to get to know the guy first. Not all men are honest about their intentions, you see.

If she wanted to stop having sex, it would seem to me like she doubts whether she wants to have a long term relationship with me.

Even if she said she wanted to get to know you? Usually, that means she's in it for the long-term and she hopes you are too. Personally, I have to know that I'm in a committed relationship BEFORE sex. I don't show a guy that I want long-term by having sex with him right away. I show a guy that I want long-term by sticking around and continuing to date him and develop a bond with him. The great thing about long-term relationships is that there's plenty of time for sex after you've gotten to know each other and formed an emotional connection.

You made assumptions.

Haha yeah, but my assumptions were right. But the OP did clearly state that she wants to get to know the guy better. That means she likes him, I would think. If you don't like someone, you don't want to get to know them better. You just never want to see them again. It seemed pretty obvious to me that the OP did not stop liking or desiring the guy.

If I was in a situation where I wanted to stop having sex with a girl, she would definitely have grounds to be worried.

Men and women are different in their attitudes about sex. Women tend to feel more vulnerable with a man once they've had sex. I don't think men feel more vulnerable after sex. I think they just feel "hell yeah!" after sex. Women have more to worry about, basically.

Even with good communication, I'm betting that it'll affect your relationship and his trust. If he has had bad experiences about this in past, the effect will probably be quite dramatic.

You mean he probably won't believe her? Because if he believes everything she says, he'd have no reason to feel hurt. Maybe a little disappointed that sex will have to wait, but not hurt or confused. He'd only be hurt or confused if he thinks she's lying.

[HeartIsAching]

How is it a game? People change their minds all the time, that's allowed. It's only a game if you're trying to manipulate him, and you're not. You realized you made a mistake and now you're taking steps to fix it. There's nothing wrong with that.



The OP never said there is anything wrong with sex. She just decided that she's not ready yet. You're right, sex is meant to be enjoyable, for BOTH people. In order for both people to enjoy it, they both have to be ready and willing to do it. If she's not ready, then it won't be enjoyable for her. Men seem to struggle with this, because they think the woman is withholding sex from him, as if she's trying to punish him or something. But she's not, she just doesn't want to have sex yet. Women don't owe you sex, OK? They're allowed to wait until they're ready.



Using you for what? You can have a great relationship without having sex right away. Are you saying you've never changed your mind about something? You've never done something and then realized it was a mistake? If you do something once, then you have to do it again, even if you don't want to?

Men, try to understand: Women don't owe you sex. They're allowed to say no, even if they've said yes before. Having sex with you once doesn't mean she has to have sex with you again. If you care about the girl, you'll understand and you'll wait for her. If you don't care about her, then why should she have sex with you?

No, and we don't OWE you a relationship.

Frankly, if I got into a relationship with a woman and then she decided she wanted to stop having sex... It'd seriously depend on the woman. Most wouldn't be worth it, I'd go looking.

[MaidenMinx]

I have been told in the past by my man that he needed a break from sex. His problem was he felt like he couldn't just hug or kiss me with out me jumping him. Little did we know at this point in time I had just fallen pregnant. :p He did say to me at the time he was happy with breaks of a month or 2 between sex. I was stunned. I went through a weird phase of feeling rejected and eventually got over it. After our son was born my sex drive all but disappeared and he felt rejected for a while. We started to fight about it. During an argument one day I used for about the 5th time "but you said you like to go months without it". He responded angrily with "How many times are you going to throw that back in my face!" I wish I had never said it. We actually didn't get back into a good level of sex until a couple of years ago when I heard from Dr Phil that if you are having sex less than 10 times a year you are in a sexless relationship. That scared me and after that I apologised for my appaulling attitude to sex. I don't know if I'm making a case for or against, I'm just relaying my experience.

[abn25]

Holy s**t!

[abn25]

Maybe this should be the pitbull and rottweiler forum...

[VincenzoG91]

Is that a site rule?

Nope. One of the great things about this site is that there are wise people of both genders posting here, and you can get some answers from the opposite sex about relationship stuff.

[ShellyZ]

No, and we don't OWE you a relationship.

You're right, that's why waiting for sex is such a great way to find out if the guy really cares about you. I don't want a guy to be with me because he owes me a relationship; I want a guy to be with me because he cares about me as a person and enjoys being with me. So I make my decision about sex, and I let him make his decision about being in a relationship with me.

Frankly, if I got into a relationship with a woman and then she decided she wanted to stop having sex... It'd seriously depend on the woman. Most wouldn't be worth it, I'd go looking.

And that's why women prefer to wait. Waiting gives her the opportunity to find out if the man thinks she's worth it. If the guy thinks I'm not worth it, then why the hell would I want to be in a relationship with him? Good riddance to guys like that, I'm not interested. If he only cares about sex, like you, then he can find someone else to use. I would be horrified if I found out that my boyfriend was only with me for sex. Like I said before, if he cares for me, he'll wait. If he doesn't care for me, then I have no desire to have sex with him, so it's no loss.