New member needing advice

[MeetMrSensitive]

Hi everyone

Needing to vent a little and hopefully get some sound advice. I'll try keep it short and factual cos i'm sure many people wont want to read too much?

I'm a really sensitive/insecure 26 yr old guy who treats my girlfriend very well. She is everything to me. I've been dating my girlfriend for 1.5yrs and its gotten really serious. She wants to marry me etc etc (she wears a ring i bought her on her wedding finger even though i haven't officially proposed, and she's constantly looking at wedding dresses). At first I really felt like we were meant to be together (there are also other reasons for that) and I wanted to marry her too. I really feel she is the love of my life. Things between us were amazing. We both have extremely high sex drives and naturally sex played a big role in our relationship. We were in love, and going at it like bunnies. Life was great.

Now she's lost the sex drive completely unless we're out at a party or something, which doesnt happen often. She even gets irritated when I make a sexual joke! We still have sex maybe every week or two, but she no longer sends me naughty texts or pictures or even kisses me with tongue unless she's been drinking. And she hardly ever calls me baby in text messages anymore. She says she loves me and at the moment we're looking for a place to move into together. She seems to think it may just be because she's unhappy at home (her father is a prick), and she's had no money in the bank account (she starts a job soon), and so when we move out she thinks things should get better. I fear she's lost the spark she had for me, and we may end up being more friends than boyfriend and girlfriend. Aside from that she still acts kinda the same when we hang out together, just a little less affection maybe. She does still call me love and baby, and lie down or sit with me and hold my hand etc. She is not a very sensitive person at all, and thats where we differ. I try to talk to her about everything, but I now feel i'm bringing up the 'serious talks' way too often, and dont want my insecurities to push her away.

Here's a big problem: She's had this guy in her life for YEARS who dated her for 3 yrs, and they've been friends with benefits ever since! She's cheated on most of her previous boyfriends with this guy and has told me she was infatuated with him. She just cannot get over him, even though he treated her like crap and cheated on her when they were together. He's now living overseas but occasionally sends her messages.

She openly gave me her gmail password pretty much on day one and last night I logged in to have a look (yes i know... i shouldnt be doing that!) and i found that she still keeps ALL of his emails, naughty chats and naughty pics!!!!! She recently emailed him some non-naughty pictures (two of which include me) that he supposedly asked for. And she said the chat the other night messed her up afterwards for longer than she had hoped. She basically said she loves him but cannot be friends just yet. I acknowledge the fact that she told him she cant be friends, but the problem I have is that she said to me just a few weeks ago that if she were to see him again she would tell him she's moved on! And that she doesnt love him anymore and that i'm first choice. But then why keep all his emails and keep in contact with him, and tell him she loves him?!?! Even if it is only a few messages a year. I feel cheated because the "last time" he contacted her she actually told me he did. For the most part she's been very honest with me. We used to fight about him a lot and she often said she doesnt love him anymore and she feels sorry for him blah blah blah. Yet she still keeps in contact. I mean, why not block his facebook and email then??? How can you want to marry someone, yet still have feelings for someone else?!?!?!

I think the change in how she treats me via text messages and lack of sexual passion is whats hurting me most. And that I cant help but feel like second best... She once said she used to check my facebook about 15 times a day. Now its like twice a month. And she tells me we've just passed our honeymoon phase, and once that happens you're left with a serious relationship. Am i just being a moron because i'm still IN the 'honeymoon phase'?

Bottom line: I dont know how to handle the situation and i'm feeling horribly depressed right now. Am i just overreacting? I know I do that often... Please send some advice my way.

THANKS

[IncognitoSir]

DO NOT MOVE IN WITH THIS CHICK!!!!! I REPEAT DO NOT MOVE IN WITH THIS CHICK!!!!! She has emotional ties to her ex man. You're sweeping that under the rug, but thats a serious issue between two people who: talk of living together, speak of marriage, say they love each other. Seriously, she wants to marry you but can't let go of an ex? She has no job and wants to live with you......are you prepared to take care of her while she sits home and talks to that guy all day? yeah I know, she starts a job soon right. You may be out of the honeymoon phase but it's not supposed to be like this. Think about it, if you were thinking of marrying someone, would you have all these doubts and fears about being t\with them....NO! Her not wanting sex may have something to do with her lifes stress or it could be she's longing for another...... You're not happy in this relationship and I think you need to discuss this with her before you move in together or get married. It's not just going to fix itself. You two need to give these problems some attention. Starting with this ex bf situation.

[Cinnabella]

She still loves her ex! And you were/ are her rebound. Sucks, by what you have said it appears like that.

[Bonfire]

She cheated on most of her previous boyfriend with this same ex time and time again? You should be glad he is overseas because I doubt she'll stay true to you either if he's around. I would have given her an ultimatum to cut all ties with that ex or I walk. If she truly loves you, she will have no problem severing ties with her ex.

[MeetMrSensitive]

Thanks for the replies! Let me explain a few more things... We've both been students. And have both been looking for jobs at the same time. She's already got a job and she starts in the next month. Its a done deal. She'll be earning way more income than i will be, more than enough to move out into a small place on her own, so she's not using me purely for the money or to get out the house. I'm only able to contribute very little to the moving out process, so if anyone's gonna be reaping the benefits of the moving out process its gonna be me.

This isn't the first time i've logged into her account. When we got together she explained everything to me, and was stupendously honest. Too honest actually, and it kinda messed up my head a bit and got my insecurities all rowed up because I have never, now will i ever cheat on the woman i love. She's told me about this guy from day one, so naturally it freaked me out. I logged into her account after about 3 months. And this ex of hers had been contacting her non stop. Trying to get together to 'watch movies' etc and every time she either said no or just ignored him. This is why i stayed with her, because i realised she is actually making a serious effort with me and our relationship. But i certainly let her know that i wasnt happy with her being friends with him. He went overseas when we had been together for about 6 months. And i know that she had not made plans to see him. Its all in their emails...

I do think her not wanting sex is due to her life stresses. I suppose the really hurtful part is this bloody ex of hers. In this email i read the other night she clearly said that she loves him, and is not ready to be friends so can't have him in her life. Thats good right? She said goodbye... for now? I'm just hurt that after a year and a half with me, this guy still has the effect he does on her... Its like no matter what i do, i get the runner up medal. Yet, she wants to marry me?! I've told her before, she's gotta cut ties with this guy. Block him from facebook and gmail. That was about 9 months ago. Maybe now she has said her goodbyes, but that still doesnt hide the fact that she still supposedly loves him.

Cinnabella: How can i be a rebound? Our sex life has gone to the dogs in my opinion. She's even admitted it too. And judging by her past, if she wasn't happy with me, she would have got it from someone else, and i know for a fact she hasn't. She was sleeping with 3 people (her ex was one of them obviously) at the time we started hanging out as mates. The other two guys no longer contact her.

When i'm unhappy it shows. And i guess now i dont know how to approach this whole ex thing. I've imagined many scenarios in my head. I cant say i read your emails!!! And i cant just say out of the blue to cut ties with him, delete all his emails etc or lose me, because she's gonna know i read her emails. Touchy... Suppose i'll have to come up with something. Like ask her if she's actually been in contact with him. If she says no, and lies to me, which i dont think she will, then i think i'm gonna have to call the whole thing off. Sad times...

If a woman would like to share her opinion on ex's etc that would be great. What goes on in the female mind???

[IncognitoSir]

You're hard headed, but sometimes it takes falling on your face to get it. what goes on in the female mind matters not, every woman is different. Cinna said you were a rebound because she is still emotionally attached to another guy while being with you. she has not "moved on" That makes you a rebound.....a 1.5 year rebound. I didn't mean not to move in with her due to financial reasons or the sort. She is between guys right now. In love with him and dating you.....and I guess she loves you too? Moving in together is a big step, why take such a step while clouded with so much doubt?

[lna1]

From a girl's point of view, it's hard to say whether she's in love with him still or not. She could be holding onto him for many reasons. Women are all different. But emotional security could be one. She might have an idea in her head about him. Or he's been a friend in a way before she met you that she doesn't want to lose. If she lost you, and had told him to get lost, cut him out of her life, she ends up with nothing. She doesn't have him as a friend anymore. Or you.
I could be wrong, but that's my take on it. Marriage isn't always forever. Even if 2 people think it is. She might be thinking of cutting ties with a friend, and what if it's over a couple years later with you two?

You seem like a great guy. Hope you find what you're looking for : )

forgot to mention that as a female, it's been understandable that in a relationship, one doesn't keep talking to their ex. Unless they have a kid together. Ex boyfriends understand that they don't want an ex messing up what they might now have, and vice versa.

[Gratedwasabi]

You're a rebound. She wants overseas dude. Don't move in together.

[reeba]

She sounds like she is the one with the issues, not you.

Get rid of her pronto. If you stay with her, you will be even more messed up than you already 'think' you are. Staying with her will only show you are too insecure to be alone, because there is no love there.

[DarkHelmet82]

i dont think the "rebound" issue has ANYTHING to do with this at all

[MeetMrSensitive]

From a girl's point of view, it's hard to say whether she's in love with him still or not. She could be holding onto him for many reasons. Women are all different. But emotional security could be one. She might have an idea in her head about him. Or he's been a friend in a way before she met you that she doesn't want to lose. If she lost you, and had told him to get lost, cut him out of her life, she ends up with nothing. She doesn't have him as a friend anymore. Or you.
I could be wrong, but that's my take on it. Marriage isn't always forever. Even if 2 people think it is. She might be thinking of cutting ties with a friend, and what if it's over a couple years later with you two?

You seem like a great guy. Hope you find what you're looking for : )

forgot to mention that as a female, it's been understandable that in a relationship, one doesn't keep talking to their ex. Unless they have a kid together. Ex boyfriends understand that they don't want an ex messing up what they might now have, and vice versa.

Thanks for spending the time to write a lengthy response! I understand how some girls tell their guy friends they love them from time to time. Apparently it can be quite normal. Annoys me to no end though. But for her to be "messed up" after a chat with him definitely means there are still feelings for him. Whether she meant in love, or just love, is beyond me. She very rarely talks to him, but when she does its always him that initiates the emails. Doesn't change much, but still.

The last time he contacted her, and she told me, she said he just asked how she was doing and how the festive period was. She sent me an email telling me she had replied, and mentioned my name 3 times. To me it sounds like she does in fact love me, is a little unhappy with the way her life is at the moment, but she just can't seem to turn a blind eye to this guys emails. Even though she told him in her last email that they cant be friends. She must be holding on for some reason, and i want to know what the hang that reason is??? How can she not just block him after the way he's treated her, and out of respect for me?!

Who knows what i'm gonna do... I can't just approach the subject and say things, have to put on a brave face and wait till the topic emerges again in our conversation i suppose...